Posts Tagged ‘video games’

Occupational video game designers simulate military occupational design

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

“We need to modernize the series in a realistic manner,” said Bill Gainer, President of Re-Activision, after announcing the release of the fifth title in the “Call of Duty” video game franchise.  “Call of Duty 5:  Full-Time Occupation” includes missions that simulate patrol of liberated Iraq, marking the second time the series has ventured from its World War II time frame.  “We decided that if we’re going to portray modern warfare, we need to base it on real life,” said Gainer.

The storyline picks up shortly after the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner was unfurled and continues until the present day.  Over the course of the game, the character controls three different characters including an American in charge of a small brigade, an Iraqi child sent by the U.S. military to infiltrate a would-be insurgency group, and an elderly peasant woman escaping fire from both sides.  In addition to shell shock, “Call of Duty 5″ includes fast screen clipping to simulate methamphetamine withdrawal.

“We have faith that we can continue this series for quite some time,” said Gainer.  “There’s no end in site to the series’ longevity–expect another hundred years of games.”

Pathetic man unable to fulfill sim’s life

Monday, June 29th, 2009

Steve Nieves, a 29 year old house painter, is so incapable at the basic tenets of life that he cannot fulfill the life of his character in the popular game Sims 3.A sad, dreamless man watches his simulated character's sad, dreamless existence.

Even though the developers of The Sims series program each character with artificial intelligence that guides them towards self-satisfaction, Steve thwarts his avatar’s every attempt at meaningful existence.

“Well, so my guy, I named him Bart Fart, he wants to be a writer, so the computer wants to make him write,” Nieves muttered in between mouthfulls of chips and beer, “but I’m here playing this game all day, it just doesn’t feel right to make him do more than troll on the internet or play video games.”

Nieves was able to assist his character in one way, however, by giving him the “slob” personality trait.

“Since he’s a slob, he doesn’t get bothered by a messy room, so that makes it easier.  Gives him more time to relax.”

So far after 19 hours of gameplay, only interrupted for a brief masturbation session while watching an illegally downloaded copy of Swordfish, Steve has not managed to obtain any meaningful career or relationship goals for Mr. Fart.

“He’s written about half of a story, and when he finishes it he can sell it for money, but I just keep thinking it’s not fair.  What if he isn’t inspired?  That could really hurt his feelings.  And it totally sucks they don’t have house painting as a career goal.  House painting is good money, and nobody complains if you show up drunk.  Shit, did I have work today?”

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