His Holiness went on to relate a vision came to him in which God revealed the clouds in heaven are actually accumulated second hand smoke.  “Without smokers, there would be no heaven,” the Pope said.  “What’s more–I’m going to level with you–the smoke that came up when they chose me, that was from my pack of Marlboro Reds.”

“I for one feel relieved,” said the Bishop Leonard Brenen.  “I’ve been a closet smoker all of my life.  I used to force alter boys to sneak me cartons of smokes.”

“It’s time we recognize smokers’ contributions to Catholicism,” said the Pope to a crowd of cheering and coughing supporters.  He is expected to reveal a sweeping plan for clergy smoke breaks during sermons and confessionals later this week.