Dictated by Jim the Refiner to Zombie

This is a special time for all Americans.  A time to stop and reflect, a time, amidst all the turbulence and strife, to appreciate how good we actually have it.  And I, for one, am thankful that you’ve finally clammed the fuck up.

It’s a fucking holiday, okay?  So I’ve had a few drinks.  When else am I supposed to have a few drinks?  Before work?  Is that what you want, you petulant cunt?  I’ll tell you what I’m thankful for, I’m thankful that you’ve stopped pointing out that I’ve had a few drinks.  Because all that does is harsh the nice buzz I’ve worked so hard to get.  And guess what I have to do to fix it?  That’s right, have a few more drinks.

Goddam, I’m thankful you’re turning away, so I don’t have to look at your whiny face again.

You know what else I’m thankful for?  This fucking undercooked turkey, which I’m sure will give me dysentery.  Because I will get sick and die a painful fucking death.  And then I won’t have to deal with you and your bullshit all the time.

Do I believe in god?  Is there a reason I would believe in god today?  Is this day any different than any other day?  No.  So don’t waste everyone’s time trying to say grace, “for a change”.  Goddamit, Martha.

Oh right, I’m supposed to be giving thanks.  Thanks for reminding me, you greasy twat.  Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much.  I’m so thankful I lived through the goddam shit, lying in muck, bullets flying over my head, watching my best friend Tom get his fucking head blown into a smoky, blood-spewing crater right beside me, mosquitos the size of beagles sucking the blood out of my dick, just so you can complain that I didn’t try your goddam canned green beans hard enough!

Thank YOU!!!

The country of Turkey has been pardoned by President Bush.  The surprise announcement capped The President’s unprecedented week of deregulation and pardons.  “Turkey, we forgive you,” Bush said. “Them Armenians may still be mad, but we here in America just want you to know that the past…well, it’s over, it’s the past.”

Aids close to President Bush revealed that the move is part of a broad, last minute foreign policy tweak.  “The President also has plans to patch things up with the Indians and clear things up with his controversial friends in Chad,” said one aid.