A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science reveals one person in thirty finds large, hairy arachnids “creepy.”
“It’s as if we’re still living in the Dark Ages,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers, who further harangued the packed press conference against the sad, bigoted state of society.
The study tested participants response to being led into a 10′x10′ room full of Goliath bird-eating tarantulae and then locked in for a period of 48 hours, after which they participated in a short survey.
“Well, to be honest, they have too many legs and just plain look like they’re up to no good,” said an anonymous member of the Third Klux Panthers, a secretive, anti-arachnid group. “These spiders are taking our jobs, raping our women, and don’t respect the American flag” he said.
Although its numbers have not been verified, the group claims to include roughly one-thirtieth the population of the U.S.
Their official slogan is “Better Dead than Web.”
“As as scientist, I’m supposed to be impartial, but I have to editorialize,” said Meyers. “These people are fucking sickos.”
We here at Stampworthy have done our best to keep you apprised of the greatest threat to humanity: ants. It is with a heavy heart we inform you that the ants have begun a revolt against their former arachnid masters who have long held them at bay. Lucky McHappy, our finest photographer, gave his live to bring you this image:
If this picture is worth 10,000 words (or even 1,000 for that manner), then at least two of them would be “holy shit!” In retrospect, we should have just posted the following YouTube clip instead of sending one of our own to die an excruciatingly painful death…
The following information was obtained from classified documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, oh yeah, and we hacked into the government’s computer network:
The arachnid overlords and humans have long held a truce in which the ants have played a rather dubious role. The sexpedals were originally raised in concentration farms as a live-harvest food to be offered to the spiders until the web-spinning beings discovered they could grow their own supply without our help. This led to secret global wars between spiders and humans.
President Roosevelt’s well-known monetary ties to the spiders led to widespread fear in his cabinet that the press would band bury him the shovels of truth. In order to avoid this fate, Roosevelt fabricated World War II to distract the public from his personal dealings as well as the larger global arachnid threat. Luckily a German-defector scientist discovered a way to insert Lysine into government ants which infiltrated the spiders’ farms. And so the arachnids became dependent on Lysine ants provided by humans. A new truce was issued and peace prevailed.
Little else is known at this time, but it is widely believed that the spiders have been bio-engineering their own Lysine ants in secret. The government has long suspected this–satellite and Google Map photos reveal rudimentary facilities that could be used to develop this technology, but inspections of the facilities were delayed, avoided, then refused by the arachnids.
Stampworthy picked up an arachnid distress call and quickly dispatched a news team to investigate the disturbance. They were never heard from again. So we decided to sent Lucky to take pictures of the bodies to use as Photoshop Phriday fodder. The image and video above reveal that somehow some of these gentically engineered ants have escaped and that they are staging a revolt of global proportions. It is only a matter of time before we must contend with their ever-growing vengeance-seeking hoard.
The Bush Administration has declined to comment on the situation, although Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey offered that “If there were a massive super-army of ants, we could market American-made products directly to them–wouldn’t that be great for the economy?”
A Stampworthy source close to the president revealed that talks with the spiders are under way and that the U.S. is considering an alliance with the arachnids.