The new nano-trackers, crafted in the shape of the new leader’s visage, will be injected into the bloodstream of all American citizens born after January 20, 2009.  “We want to know where you are and you want to support your new president–it’s a win-win situation,” said Obama.  The plan, endorsed by both House Democrats and Republicans, is retroactive, requiring all Americans to receive the implant on their subsequent birthday.  “This is a time of change, and we have to know who’s on board,” said Obama.

The implants, provided by Cyberdyne Systems Corporation, are programed with artificial intelligence in order to minimize interaction with vital bodily functions.  “This hybrid, mutt technology is the cutting edge of science,” said Obama.  “Only racist, religious, gun-toting nuts can reject the future.”