Welcome to the fifth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.
Volume V: Legalize Marijuana
Pot, weed, grass, smoke, Acapulco gold, cannabis, reefer, Texas tea, ganja, stash, Mary Jane, herb, wacky tebacky, AK-47, Bubble Gum, dope, Vitamin M, bud, blunt, Sam, home-grown, Black Bart, The chronic, take five, broccoli, spliff, sack, green, hemp, nature hike, immigration papers, toke, nature’s babysitter, Maui wowie, sweet leaf, the plant, Jamaican sight seeing tour, chef’s salad, joint, Jolly Green Giant, the vegetarian option, Jame’s joys, break time, Bob Marley’s lawn clippings, breakfast of champions, and space grass–it goes by many names.
Whatever you call it, it’s the solution to our economic woes.
The legalization of marijuana creates a new market to house executives, financiers, and stoke venture capitalists. The mass farming, harvesting, and packaging of the product requires the mobilization of America’s unemployed masses, who are already deeply involved in the trade of said product. The decriminalization aspect frees up space in our over-crowded jails, while freed prisoners are primed for the automotive industry, which will transport the crop. Also, extreme greenies will stop crying and get jobs. Drug smugglers will have lower carbon footprints and proctologist bills.
As a matter of national security, it ends our dependence on foreign plants. America has a rich culture of horticulturalists, ranging all the way back to George-King of the United States-Washington. Some scientists theorize massive fields of marijuana would help increase greenhouse gases, thus solving our climate woes as well. America will reemerge as a agricultural giant, a massive exporter of plants and hemp necklaces. Best of all, this move saves the government from bailing out Funyons and Cheetos, whose sales are expected to increase by 1,000%.
Where will we grow this crop you ask? We at Stampworthy suggest the entire state of Montana.