Posts Tagged ‘Practical Economic Solutions’

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Welcome to the fifth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Pot, weed, grass, smoke, Acapulco gold, cannabis, reefer, Texas tea, ganja, stash, Mary Jane, herb, wacky tebacky, AK-47, Bubble Gum, dope, Vitamin M, bud, blunt, Sam, home-grown, Black Bart, The chronic, take five, broccoli, spliff, sack, green, hemp, nature hike, immigration papers, toke, nature’s babysitter, Maui wowie, sweet leaf, the plant, Jamaican sight seeing tour, chef’s salad, joint, Jolly Green Giant, the vegetarian option, Jame’s joys, break time, Bob Marley’s lawn clippings, breakfast of champions, and space grass–it goes by many names.

Whatever you call it, it’s the solution to our economic woes.

The legalization of marijuana creates a new market to house executives, financiers, and stoke venture capitalists.  The mass farming, harvesting, and packaging of the product requires the mobilization of America’s unemployed masses, who are already deeply involved in the trade of said product.  The decriminalization aspect frees up space in our over-crowded jails, while freed prisoners are primed for the automotive industry, which will transport the crop.  Also, extreme greenies will stop crying and get jobs.  Drug smugglers will have lower carbon footprints and proctologist bills.

As a matter of national security, it ends our dependence on foreign plants.  America has a rich culture of horticulturalists, ranging all the way back to George-King of the United States-Washington.   Some scientists theorize massive fields of marijuana would help increase greenhouse gases, thus solving our climate woes as well.  America will reemerge as a agricultural giant, a massive exporter of plants and hemp necklaces. Best of all, this move saves the government from bailing out Funyons and Cheetos, whose sales are expected to increase by 1,000%.

Where will we grow this crop you ask?  We at Stampworthy suggest the entire state of Montana.

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume III: Rent the Presidency

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

Welcome to the third installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume III:  Rent the Presidency

Opinions are like assholes–they’re both itchy and very close to genitals.  Everyone thinks they know what’s best for the nation, and as such, the government will, for a sizable fee, allow any citizen to act as commander in chief for a day.  The legislation they pass and veto is likely to be drastic and quite absurd.  As such Congress and the Senate will spend all of their time fixing things and thus stop spending time intervening in the economy, social, and legal issues.  This is in turn will save U.S. citizen from the drastic and quite absurd actions of their government–a kind of legislative bailout.  The people will have renewed faith in the government and as such start spending and starting businesses again.

Of course their will abuses of the Presidency.  From mile-high-club parties on Air Force One to the implementation of new national holidays such as “No Pants Friday,” there will damage to America’s credibility abroad (except with France).  As such, the unemployed American masses will get new jobs as will ambassadors, PR agents, and janitors in charge of cleaning up the proverbial and literal mess created by rogue Presidents.  If there aren’t enough interested parties, we’ll implement a night with Michelle special.

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume II: Outlaw all Pharmaceuticals

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Welcome to the second installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume II: Outlaw all Pharmaceuticals

The economic benefits of outlawing pharmaceuticals are wide and varied.  First, all pharmacists, drug companies, distributors, lobbyists, and salesmen will be jailed.  This action creates an abundance of new jobs for the growing unemployed population.  Moreover, the need for related professionals such as “drug dealers” and “urban pharmacists” skyrockets.  Once everyone in the pharmaceuticals game is behind bars, our already over-crowded prisons must be expanded.  This need for infrastructure results in state-funded projects for construction workers.  Moreover, these facilities require additional staff to keep track of miscreants.

The sentences for drug-related crimes will be normalized to two years without parole for all offenses.  During this time these workers are forced to work in prison factories.  The influx of license plates pushes car companies to increase production to avoid the exorbitant cost of storing unused tags.  The resulting abundance of autos reduces their price until every person in America can afford a car.  The government thus lowers the driving age to 12 to facilitate car-related commerce.  This, in turn, necessitates more driving instructors and highway patrol(wo)men.  The roads become crammed, thus more roads are built.  Young drivers pay ridiculously high insurance rates, proving a boon to insurers.  Increased traffic results in more accidents, setting off a chain reaction of ambitious body shop work and swollen courtrooms.

The net result is a wealth of jobs in multiple sectors.  All that remains to be decided is the location of the new jails.  We suggest Montana.

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume I: The Mandatory Secession of Montana

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

Welcome to the first installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume I: The Mandatory Secession of Montana

The benefits of Montana’s secession from the United States are almost as plentiful as its only natural resource:  militia men.  Firstly, we’ll stop wasting government spying on these psuedo-separatists.  The Montana Militia has already prepared a new bureaucracy, flag, and currency for their new State, so we don’t have to arrange another expensive puppet regime.   We’ll have a new trading partner in Montana, one whose needs are be immediate and thorough.  While their currency is primarily backed by bear furs, our support will foster world wide recognition of its value.  This also helps bolster the U.S. dollar.

When the deal begins to sour, the U.S. will declare war on Montana.  This domestic effort is far cheaper than our exotic campaigns.  Moreover, it brings troops closer to home.  More Americans will be put to work building a great wall around this new hostile boarder.  Once we’ve subdued the Montanans in battle, we can use it as a cheap tourist destination or penal colony.

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