His Holiness went on to relate a vision came to him in which God revealed the clouds in heaven are actually accumulated second hand smoke.  “Without smokers, there would be no heaven,” the Pope said.  “What’s more–I’m going to level with you–the smoke that came up when they chose me, that was from my pack of Marlboro Reds.”

“I for one feel relieved,” said the Bishop Leonard Brenen.  “I’ve been a closet smoker all of my life.  I used to force alter boys to sneak me cartons of smokes.”

“It’s time we recognize smokers’ contributions to Catholicism,” said the Pope to a crowd of cheering and coughing supporters.  He is expected to reveal a sweeping plan for clergy smoke breaks during sermons and confessionals later this week.

Pope Benedict XVI cut his U.S. visit short after a mere eight hours in the country. The Pope stained his dress during a dinner with President George Bush at an Outback Steakhouse (TM). “Lord knows I should have brought more than one,” he told the media via satellite telephone from his personal jet.

The restaurant chain would not disclose what the Pope was eating at the time of the incident, but Stampworthy sources inside the clergy disclosed the stain was from an order of baby back ribs. “He usually eats them in the bathtub,” said the source.

The Pope plans to return to the U.S. soon, this time with a larger wardrobe. “Next time I’ll bring some red ones–like that Llama guy,” he said.