Posts Tagged ‘pharmaceuticals’

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume II: Outlaw all Pharmaceuticals

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Welcome to the second installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume II: Outlaw all Pharmaceuticals

The economic benefits of outlawing pharmaceuticals are wide and varied.  First, all pharmacists, drug companies, distributors, lobbyists, and salesmen will be jailed.  This action creates an abundance of new jobs for the growing unemployed population.  Moreover, the need for related professionals such as “drug dealers” and “urban pharmacists” skyrockets.  Once everyone in the pharmaceuticals game is behind bars, our already over-crowded prisons must be expanded.  This need for infrastructure results in state-funded projects for construction workers.  Moreover, these facilities require additional staff to keep track of miscreants.

The sentences for drug-related crimes will be normalized to two years without parole for all offenses.  During this time these workers are forced to work in prison factories.  The influx of license plates pushes car companies to increase production to avoid the exorbitant cost of storing unused tags.  The resulting abundance of autos reduces their price until every person in America can afford a car.  The government thus lowers the driving age to 12 to facilitate car-related commerce.  This, in turn, necessitates more driving instructors and highway patrol(wo)men.  The roads become crammed, thus more roads are built.  Young drivers pay ridiculously high insurance rates, proving a boon to insurers.  Increased traffic results in more accidents, setting off a chain reaction of ambitious body shop work and swollen courtrooms.

The net result is a wealth of jobs in multiple sectors.  All that remains to be decided is the location of the new jails.  We suggest Montana.

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