Posts Tagged ‘PETA’

PETA to clothe the undersea masses

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

Kiss Me - I'm a Sea Kitten!Norfolk Virginia’s favorite prophetical non-profit is poised to launch the largest fish-related knitting project in the history of fish-related knitting.  PETA is poised to clothe the entire sea population with kitten costumes in an effort to end fishing and seafood consumption.

“We’re going to get catty about fish,” says PETA president and co-founder Ingrid Newpicard, in an uncharacteristically punny press conference.  “Fish need to be treated with the same reference we have for kittens right meow.”  When questioned about the fate of the catfish, Newpicard chuckled and replied “What a kitty thing to ask me.”  She further intimated that “Sea Kittens was a last minute decision.  I for one wanted them to be called Sea Pussies.”

A spokeswoman for the Red Lobster chain issued a public reply to the campaign which applauds PETA’s “misguided enthusiam.”  She further intimated the bizzare project was “a little fishy” and likely related to the members’ dietary lacuna of Omega-3.

PETA opens human zoo

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have furthered their mission by once again treating one species of animals (people) very poorly.  Early patrons of the San Francisco Zoo arrived to find all of the exhibits populated by people.  “We’re very proud of this action,” said Ingrid Newkirk.  “We really think it will get people to think their relationship with animals.”

The San Francisco Zoo, prompted by angry patrons, must refund all tickets.  “I’m not sure how we’re going to pay for this and repopulation,” said a PR agent for the zoo.  “We’re probably going to have to use poachers.”

“Eat Me!”…Okay.

Friday, May 2nd, 2008

Ingrid Newkirk announced on the Colbert Report that she was donating her body to us carnivores at her death. To which I, Jason Kass, say, “Sign me up.”

I began thinking that this may be a marketing ploy however… Not in a shock sense… but it would turn many of the potential cannibals away from human flesh as I imagine at the time of a natural death, the meat will be stringy and rubbery. But if luck is on our side, she will succumb to death at an early age. One that will keep the meat moderately intact, like say choking on a piece of tofu, drowning, or if chance would have it: getting locked in a meat freezer.

I have been running through the opportunities in my head, and as per Steven Colbert, here are my choice meat selections:

Grind up the rest into the soup of the day.
Bone Ape Tit!

  • Categories

  • Recent Posts

  • -->