Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

Obama unveils No Zombie Left Behind Act

Friday, March 27th, 2009

(Above:  an integrated zombie/human math class learns the ins and outs of integrals)

In a surprise move this week, President Barrack Obama announced the “No Zombie Left Behind Act,” a series of sweeping education reforms pertaining to the living impaired.  “It’s time we recognize the rights of these disadvantaged students,” said Obama. “Education in the U.S. isn’t just from the cradle to the grave.  Just because a person isn’t living doesn’t mean they aren’t learning.”

The NZLBA rewards schools with high testing undead pupils with Title T funds.  “This money is an umbrella for these students, protecting them from the horrors of the sun and tax levie funding,” said Obama.  “Let me make this clear.  This money isn not a handout; these students have got to get brains.”  He further added:  “braaaains.”

D.C. homeless’ demands for “change” lead to shortage and unlikely solution

Friday, January 16th, 2009

As the inauguration of President Obama’s draws closer, officials in The District of Columbia are wondering what to do about the shortage of change caused by the homeless population.   “The people of this city have been generous to our domicilitically challenged” says D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty.  According to a 2008 poll conducted by the ACME Polling Institue, D.C.’s homeless are 60 percent more affluent than homeless in cities of similar size and income.  “This has serious consequences, namely, no one has any change for the bus,” says Fenty.  “Something must be done.”

Fenty’s appeals have been answered by new Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner.  “Normally problems like this are best handled at the local level,” says Geithner, “but foot traffic congestion at the inauguration is a major concern–we knew we had to do something.”  That something is the minting of a new $1.35 coin bearing the portrait of president Obama.  “We’re going to hand them out to ever denizen of the city to make sure everyone has change for the bus,” says Geithner.  “The coins will only have value for one day, so as not to affect inflation.  My aides tell me you still must report them on your income taxes.”  He pauses before adding, “I’m sure as hell going to.”

As for the homeless in D.C., Mayor Fenty has bigger plans.  “We’re going to round up and melt down all of the homeless,” says Fenty.  “They’re rich in silver, copper, alcohol, and cardboard–it’s time we harvest natural resources at home.  Who knows?  They could be the source of a new bio-fuel.”

Profiles in Courage – Barack Obama

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

History was made November 7th, when, after 400 years of oppression, Barack Obama became the first black man in the history of the United States.

“The magnitude of this achievement cannot be understated” said Prof. Groovachussets, an expert in Cryptoanthropology at the University of Phoenix. “Sure, there have been reports of black men in other countries. There was this one guy in Ethiopia. Hale something. Hale Salami. Damn it, that’s not it! It sounds like that, but that’s not it. Wait, why are you writing that down? Stop writing that! You’re not going to stop, are you? Dude, I totally fucked your mom.”

For years, scattered sightings of black men were reported throughout the country, predominantly in the south. “Oh man, it was terrifying!” said vintner Cletus Aretus. “I was hunting for crawdads in the crick by the bayou, and I saw something move out the corner of my eye. I looked up, and it was a black man. Well, I have no shame in telling you that at that sight I released my bowels, and I have also no shame in telling you that the sensation was intensely satisfying and erotic. I have some pamphlets in my shack, if you would like to learn more. It’s the last taboo, really.

But in so many cases, including Dr. Aretus’s, the black man was not really there. “Well, it turned out to be a black bear, and as he mauled my flesh and my foul, soiled clothing, I could only imagine how much worse it could have been,” he said.

While researchers are rejoicing this discovery, they are also looking forward to new challenges. “We’ve got our black man” said Prof. Groovachussets, “but what about the colossal squid? What about friendship?”

Conclusive evidence of the extraordinary achievements of Barack Obama

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