Posts Tagged ‘John McCain’

McCain Makes Health Records Public; Appears Free of Cancer, But is a Robot

Friday, May 23rd, 2008

Presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain has released his private health records to the public and appears to be in good health, for a robot.

“I want Americans to have faith that I can execute my duties as Commander in Chief of this great nation for centuries to come,” said McCain today in a press conference. “I know you’re all impressed with those sleek, young T-1000 models. They may speak well, but they don’t have the staying power or robotic credentials of us T-800s,” he added.


The Beach Boys foreign policy

Sunday, February 10th, 2008


As election season heats up, Sen. McCain aides revealed a plan to revise and revive his infamous “bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran” policy. A source close to McCain has leaked a few of these new policies to Stampworthy:

“Everybody’s gone green now, green U.S.A.”

“Round, round, get around, I get around without a cane, for now”

“Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a immigrant worker program, then we wouldn’t have to build a wall.”

“God only knows what I’d do without depending on the votes of conservatives who are so disgusted at the prospects of a female or African-American president that they’re forced to vote for me.”

In response, Sen. Obama has announced a new series of foreign policies based on Neil Young tunes, including “A man needs a male president,” “Out on the campaign trail,” and “When you dance I can really consider voting for you.”

Sen. Clinton is considering policies based on Chuck Barry songs including “Roll over potential democratic candidates,” “Barrack and the USSR,” and “You never can tell what my husband is going to do next.”

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