Posts Tagged ‘greening’

Scientist’s warning: Earth greens, is invaded

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

Dr. Philip Neigh, professor of astrophysics at Fake University has a dire warning for the citizens of Earth:  “If you green it, they will come.”  Neigh announced at a press conference today that recent advances in so-called “green” technology may renew aliens’ interest in our planet.  “They’ve been looking elsewhere,” said Neigh, “but if we keep cleaning things up, they may come back.” He further extrapolated that although the aliens’ intentions are unknown to us, they’re most likely dubious.  “I mean, they probably don’t look like us, and that means they’re bad news bears,” he said.

Neigh proposes a range of actions to mitigate the possibility of invasion.  “There are many things we can do to prevent a calamity,” he said.  “The easiest is to throw our trash onto the street instead of into trash cans.”  He further suggested driving an S.U.V. to the end of the driveway to get the paper, running faucets 24-hours a day, and making the switch to electric scissors.

(Above:  an artist’s rendition of Dr. Neigh’s “invaders from beyond the moon”)

While many critics have pointed out Neigh’s dubious credentials and the non-existence of “Fake University,” his ideas are gaining popularity.  “They call me mad, but I’m a man of science,” said Neigh, “And what’s more, I’ve got the respect and support of the American people.”  Stampworthy has uncovered records that prove the late author Michael Crichton has been funding Neigh’s research since the 1980s.  Neigh is currently gathering signature for a petition to Congress calling for the execution of all recyclers and members of Earth First.

Obama Claus

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

Santa Claus has retired.  A life long republican, Christkind says he was deeply hurt by the results of the November election and announced this week that he’s hanging up his sack for good.  “If Senator McCain is too old to be president, I guess I’m too old to give out gifts,” he told a press conference earlier today.

“This is a sad time for America and the world, but it’s also an opportunity,” said President Elect Barrack Obama.  “I know there’s a lot of healing that needs occur, and we’re all going to have to do our part.”  The president went on to reveal a new plan that combines his celebrated cult of personality with his energy plan and foreign policies.

“This year, I will travel all around the world on Christmas Eve and deliver presents to all of the little good little Republicans and Democrats, regardless of race, religion, disability, gender or sexual orientation,” said the president.  “America will lead by example: I will go house to house, across expanses of oceans and through the desert, all on foot.  It’s time we end our dependence on foreign reindeer.”

President Obama faces several challenges, not least of which is the estimated 6,200 visits per second required to visit every household on Earth in one day.  “A lot of people say it can’t be done, but they also said that about my bid for the Presidency,” responded the president.  “We’ll show them a holiday figure they can believe in.”

Where in the Studio is Carmen Sandiego?

Wednesday, July 9th, 2008

“We’re back, and we’ve gone green,” announced Dana Calderwood, the director of the popular educational children’s game show, “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” The announcement that the twelve-year-old series has been revamped was delivered to a press conference of shocked reporters earlier today.

“This time we’re going to do it right–we’re going to teach geography to kids along with an environmentally conscious mind set,” said Calderwood. “Carmen’s carbon footprint is completely unacceptable.”

The updated villainess sports a green coat and travels within a narrower geographical scope. “The show all about responsible travel and living within your means,” said the director. Carmen will no longer be taking private jets and boats to remote locations. Instead, she will be confined to a travel radius delineated by the battery life of a fully-charged Segway scooter.

Carmen Sandiego

PBS has revived the show on a temporary basis, but with a drastically reduced budget. “It will be a challenge to do this on a shoe-string budget, but that’s part of environmentalism,” said Calderwood. Questions will now draw exclusively from information included on Google Maps and Wikipedia.

Calderwood says there’s another pragmatic feature aspect of the show: “Anti-American sentiment has spread all over the world. Is there any reason to teach children the location of places they’ll never be able to visit?”

Rockapella could not be reached for comment.

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