Dr. Philip Neigh, professor of astrophysics at Fake University has a dire warning for the citizens of Earth: “If you green it, they will come.” Neigh announced at a press conference today that recent advances in so-called “green” technology may renew aliens’ interest in our planet. “They’ve been looking elsewhere,” said Neigh, “but if we keep cleaning things up, they may come back.” He further extrapolated that although the aliens’ intentions are unknown to us, they’re most likely dubious. “I mean, they probably don’t look like us, and that means they’re bad news bears,” he said.
Neigh proposes a range of actions to mitigate the possibility of invasion. “There are many things we can do to prevent a calamity,” he said. “The easiest is to throw our trash onto the street instead of into trash cans.” He further suggested driving an S.U.V. to the end of the driveway to get the paper, running faucets 24-hours a day, and making the switch to electric scissors.
(Above: an artist’s rendition of Dr. Neigh’s “invaders from beyond the moon”)
While many critics have pointed out Neigh’s dubious credentials and the non-existence of “Fake University,” his ideas are gaining popularity. “They call me mad, but I’m a man of science,” said Neigh, “And what’s more, I’ve got the respect and support of the American people.” Stampworthy has uncovered records that prove the late author Michael Crichton has been funding Neigh’s research since the 1980s. Neigh is currently gathering signature for a petition to Congress calling for the execution of all recyclers and members of Earth First.