“I know what yer thinkin’,” said Bush in a televised press conference.  “Isn’t it too dang hot in Asia for fireworks?  Well my advisers assure me that they’ll work just fine.”  When pressed on the issue the Maverick president explained the plan further.  “Don’t you remember your history?  At the end of the American Revolutionary War there were big fireworks–that’s how they knew to stop fightin’.  Well I figure, if those people done see fireworks, they’ll know their war is over.”

The fireworks program requires additional military funding.  Experts project the costs to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $150 billion.  “It’s time we Americans tucked our chaps into our boots, tightened our hats, and did our share of helping,” said the president.  “These things ain’t free, well, unless we get them Chinese ones with all the lead.”

Pope Benedict XVI cut his U.S. visit short after a mere eight hours in the country. The Pope stained his dress during a dinner with President George Bush at an Outback Steakhouse (TM). “Lord knows I should have brought more than one,” he told the media via satellite telephone from his personal jet.

The restaurant chain would not disclose what the Pope was eating at the time of the incident, but Stampworthy sources inside the clergy disclosed the stain was from an order of baby back ribs. “He usually eats them in the bathtub,” said the source.

The Pope plans to return to the U.S. soon, this time with a larger wardrobe. “Next time I’ll bring some red ones–like that Llama guy,” he said.