Posts Tagged ‘Crytids’

Profiles in Courage – Barack Obama

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

History was made November 7th, when, after 400 years of oppression, Barack Obama became the first black man in the history of the United States.

“The magnitude of this achievement cannot be understated” said Prof. Groovachussets, an expert in Cryptoanthropology at the University of Phoenix. “Sure, there have been reports of black men in other countries. There was this one guy in Ethiopia. Hale something. Hale Salami. Damn it, that’s not it! It sounds like that, but that’s not it. Wait, why are you writing that down? Stop writing that! You’re not going to stop, are you? Dude, I totally fucked your mom.”

For years, scattered sightings of black men were reported throughout the country, predominantly in the south. “Oh man, it was terrifying!” said vintner Cletus Aretus. “I was hunting for crawdads in the crick by the bayou, and I saw something move out the corner of my eye. I looked up, and it was a black man. Well, I have no shame in telling you that at that sight I released my bowels, and I have also no shame in telling you that the sensation was intensely satisfying and erotic. I have some pamphlets in my shack, if you would like to learn more. It’s the last taboo, really.

But in so many cases, including Dr. Aretus’s, the black man was not really there. “Well, it turned out to be a black bear, and as he mauled my flesh and my foul, soiled clothing, I could only imagine how much worse it could have been,” he said.

While researchers are rejoicing this discovery, they are also looking forward to new challenges. “We’ve got our black man” said Prof. Groovachussets, “but what about the colossal squid? What about friendship?”

Conclusive evidence of the extraordinary achievements of Barack Obama

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