Posts Tagged ‘Convenient Lie’

Combat Global Warming, Join the Seal Club

Friday, May 16th, 2008

Join the Seal Club, and end the global warming threat.

The facts are in and much to scientists surprise, global warming is actually not caused by soccer moms driving their gas guzzling H3s to Starbucks, but by the common arctic seal. Mating, and nesting habits of harp seals have compromised the structural integrity of the polar ice caps, as well as melted the surface via a new hypothesized method called the mass body incubation effect.

“It’s like they are single handedly trying to destroy the earth. Analyzing the data we have collected, it appears that holes in the ozone layer have opened and continue to get larger since Aerosol cans were banned. We believe it may have been the only thing keeping these seals habits in check.”, Scientist Adalbert Benson told Stampworthy.

“I was wrong.”, Al Gore dejectedly announced to the press from his 20 room mansion, “Who would have thought it was those damned seals fault? I stand by the environment and am going to do the right thing. I’m flying my private jet to the arctic at once! If we’re lucky, I may land on one of those furry bastards. Now then, where is my cricket bat?”

There is opposition from local fur traders like John Richards, “All these tree hugging hippies have already been coming out here decimating our way of life. We are professionals, it’s an insult to our trade to have unskilled mobs taking a crack at our craft. Some of us have more than 20 years into this career. It is very upsetting.”

5/3rds of Stampworthy are staunch advocates of the environment… so we bring to you this special package 1 of a kind package for the young Earth defiler in your life…

Act now and do your part to save our planet!
Youth Seal Club Starter Kit includes:

  • 5 Days of guided hunting with a Veteran Seal Club Member
  • 1 Youth starter seal club
  • 1 Pair snowshoes
  • 1 Map of seal hunting grounds
  • 1 “Seal Club Explorer” patch
  • 1 Unforgettable experience!

You know… for the kids.

“I was a little scared at first, but when my guide told me it was just like whack-a-mole… I really had fun. Seals are slow. Thanks Dad.”
Scotty, age 8

“Seeing our two kids out there painting the arctic red with the brains of those varmints brought tears to my eyes. It’s like they were saving the world all by themselves. Ive never been more proud. Plus. It’s great exercise.”
-Mary, age 43

“I bought Seal Club packages for all my grandchildren!”
-Agatha, age 73

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