The Obama administration announced Friday that terror suspects will no longer be referred to as “combatants” and instead will be called “birthday boys.” The controversial term “combatants” came into common parlance during the Bush Jr. administration and was often used to describe detainees at Guantánamo Bay in Cuba.  The new term “birthday boys” alludes to a kinder, gentler treatment of said detainees.

“This term marks the start of a new era,” said President Barrack Obama.   “From now on the world community must recognize, we treat our illegal detainees better than anyone else.”  President Obama went on to outline new guidelines, under which all “birthday boys” will be treated to cake and party favors, as if it were their birthdays.

The ACLU responded immediately to the annuncedment with a harshly worded letter.  “We’re outraged by this whitewashing,” said ACLU chairman Bill Stressman.  “Everyone knows that not all detainees are men.”