Posts Tagged ‘barack obama’

Smokers go native, lawmakers on warpath

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

When President Barack Obama signed the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act in June 2009, many thought the final nail had been hammered into the coffin of public smoking.   No one suspected a group of crafty smokers would find a loop hole in the law, go native, and inadvertently revive the nearly extinct Native American practice of pipe making.

At the center of this story is 23DPED, a controversial provision in the bill stating “no person shall use tobacco products within three feet of any person, including themselves.”  After a group of tobacco enthusiasts calling themselves Smokescreen was arrested in a park last June for smoking within three feet of themselves, they got to thinking.

“We got to thinking,” says Billy Blacklunge, a founding member of Smokescreen.  “After about four meetings and five failed public protests, we decided to actually read the bill–that’s when we came across 23DPED.”

Smokescreen members and others believe the bill allows smokers to use devices that place the burning tobacco at least three feet away from the user and others.  The group contacted the North American Native Indigenous Peoples Indian American Artisans or (NANIPIAA) and asks if they knew anyone who could design pipes for their members.

“We figured, hey these guys used to smoke long pipes, so maybe they know how to make them,” says Blacklunge.  The NANIPIAA put them in contact with Giorgio Long-Stem, the last of the Lakota pipe makers.

“Our pipes, they’re very long,” says Long-Stem, who’s been crafting pipes for over 40 years.  Due to the diminished role of smoking in Lakota ceremonies, public castigation, and legal restriction, Long-Stem has had a rough time finding an outlet for his skills.

“When Smokescreen got in touch with me, I was just literally about to hang myself,” says Long-Stem.  “I figured my craft was dead and that I was as a grieving widow, a shadow left with no place in this new world.”  But Smokescreen’s orders reinvigorated his business and gave him a reason to live.

“They breathed new life into me,” says Long-Stem.  “Now that my people’s pipes are catching on, I’ve taken on three apprentices and still can’t keep up with orders.”

Long-Stem’s designs have spread all over North America and lead to numerous knockoffs and several high end designer models.  In order to keep his own pipes distinct and instantly recognizable, he applied for a trademark and now engraves each model with the words “Freedom Pipe.”

Chanunpa, the word my people use for this pipe, is too narrow a convention for this,” says Long-Stem.  “We smokers are in this together now.  We are the new tribe and the Freedom Pipe is the symbol of our solidarity.”

The government is none too happy and is set to fight back against smokers.  Today President Obama issued a statement condemning Smokescreen and Long-Stem’s efforts and has threatened legal action.

“I have extreme reservations about these groups and their attempts to undermine the rule of the land,” he says.  “I understand these new laws are vague, and Lord knows, everything I sign my name on doesn’t get into particulars, but the practices of these groups are a mockery of the law and in clear violation of it.”

The State has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Smokescreen and Long-Stem and seeks to impound their assets.

But their lawyer has a different opinion.

“23DPED–it’s all there in black and white just waiting to be read,” says Sandra Shystern, who took on the case this afternoon.  “The governments’s lawsuit against Smokescreen is nothing but a smokescreen.  Their anti-smoker and anti-NANIPIAA agenda has been clear for quite some time.”


Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Sounds familiar… but I can’t quite place it…
Hitlers Happy Little Boyscouts

I could have sworn you were going to cut military spending? Nothing like doubling it I guess…

I think the first thing we need is a new salute for this new army. Perhaps they can even seek out terrorists within the motherland… I mean homeland.

I doubt Obama and his puppeteers would allow things to get as flashy as the Nazis did… but, we will be watching.

I’m cool with it as long as I get one of those neat armbands and a gun… but I will settle for a baton, one of the retractable ones.


Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

President elect Barack Obama has announced the launch of an innovative nano-tracker system that will follow the movements of Americans all over the world.  “In this historic moment we have a decision to make,” said Obama to a crowded press conference on Tuesday.  “We can rise above the partisan politics and embrace our future or we can be slaves to our private concerns,” he asserted.

The new nano-trackers, crafted in the shape of the new leader’s visage, will be injected into the bloodstream of all American citizens born after January 20, 2009.  “We want to know where you are and you want to support your new president–it’s a win-win situation,” said Obama.  The plan, endorsed by both House Democrats and Republicans, is retroactive, requiring all Americans to receive the implant on their subsequent birthday.  “This is a time of change, and we have to know who’s on board,” said Obama.

The implants, provided by Cyberdyne Systems Corporation, are programed with artificial intelligence in order to minimize interaction with vital bodily functions.  “This hybrid, mutt technology is the cutting edge of science,” said Obama.  “Only racist, religious, gun-toting nuts can reject the future.”

Dead Founding Father backs Obama

Sunday, October 19th, 2008

An independent, bi-partisan forensic team has determined that were the father of America, our first president, that guy on the dollar bill, George Washington, still alive, he would have supported Sen. Barrack Obama’s bid for the presidency.  “The science is still in it’s infancy,” said the head of the team, Dr. Ding L. Berri.  “We can’t tell you why he would have supported the senator, only that he would have.”

The team used a combination of modern forensic techniques as well as a new device created especially for this purpose.  “The device, nicknamed the turdy-something, compiles dietary information from extant fecal matter,” says Dr. Robert.  “It’s disgusting, but really, really fascinating.”  When questioned by Stampworthy about the origin of the sample, she commented that, “It’s a little known fact that every president contributes a jar of bodily functions to a secret underground vault for future scientific studies.”

“We’ve really advanced the field here,” said Dr. Flo Tor, another scientist on the project.  “Using these new techniques, we’ll be able to tell whether or not President Lincoln would have been in favor of a North American Union.”  She went on to make an inappropriate joke about log cabins.

Jack and Hill went up the Hill, the Capitol – Hill?

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

Apparently Jack Nicholson has allowed clips of his movies to be pasted together in a poor attempt to form a coherent thought. That thought? You should vote for Hillary Clinton! The similarities between Clinton and Nicholson are striking, they both scare the hell out of us here at Stampworthy!

However, what is it that these clips imply about Hilary? Take for example the first, where the Joker is exclaiming “Money Money Money!” to the good citizens of Gotham. The Joker ends his message by gassing anyone in an eight block radius. In the Shining, good ole Mr Torrance grabs an axe and tries to hack up his family . . . A clip from a Few Good Men is seen as well about a minute in, where in the same scene Colonel Jessep (played by Nicholson) also states “If you haven’t gotten a blow job from a Superior Officer well, you’re just letting the best things in life pass you by.”

Using this video as a framework, we can easily deduce what Jack really thinks about Hillary, and womankind in general:

And of course we must include with all respect, the parody to the first Nicholson ad, which is an unofficial ploy for Obama. We here at Stampworthy do not endorse either candidate, however this one is much funnier, so it wins:

Happy Voting!

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