“Our government is a known terrorist organization with numerous ties to terrorist states,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.  “They use satellites to commit numerous acts of terrorism, and it’s our belief that unless we monitor these activities, we’re at risk of an imminent terrorist attack.”

Shortly after Napolitano announced the program, the American Civil Liberties Union announced a lawsuit against the U.S. government, alleging the new program infringes on the U.S. government’s right to privacy.

“The government has no right to invade the government’s business,” said Ima Angree, the ACLU lawyer behind the suite.  “This program is a prime example of the government’s systematic attempt to strip the government of its civil liberties.”

But Napolitano thinks differently.

“These are tough times and tough times call for tough measures,” she said.  “If you don’t agree with that, then tough noogies.”

But Angree thinks differently.

“If the government has the right to invade the privacy of the government, what use has power?” said Angree.  “We are prepared to protect the government from the government at all costs.”

The satellite program is scheduled to begin early next month, despite the pending lawsuit.

The Obama administration announced Friday that terror suspects will no longer be referred to as “combatants” and instead will be called “birthday boys.” The controversial term “combatants” came into common parlance during the Bush Jr. administration and was often used to describe detainees at Guantánamo Bay in Cuba.  The new term “birthday boys” alludes to a kinder, gentler treatment of said detainees.

“This term marks the start of a new era,” said President Barrack Obama.   “From now on the world community must recognize, we treat our illegal detainees better than anyone else.”  President Obama went on to outline new guidelines, under which all “birthday boys” will be treated to cake and party favors, as if it were their birthdays.

The ACLU responded immediately to the annuncedment with a harshly worded letter.  “We’re outraged by this whitewashing,” said ACLU chairman Bill Stressman.  “Everyone knows that not all detainees are men.”