America’s only reliable news source has proven itself once again with this lucid, insightful commentary on Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs.
Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat
Kithgan, makers of the popular 28 Days Later birth control pill are suing FOX subsidiary Searchlight Pictures over rights to the name “28 Days Later.” FOX Searchlight Pictures released a popular horror/science fiction film in 2002 under a name which Kithgan claims infringes on it’s copyright secured in 1984.
“It’s our right to chose how our name is used and FOX should respect that choice,” said Kithgan spokeswoman Latoya Wright. “A bloody barren future is not an image we want associated with Kithgan brand birth control.” Ms. Wright declined to comment on the details of the suit.
“I wish they quiet being such a pill,” said FOX spokeswoman Jeff Wong. “They have brand recognition in their corner of the market, we have it in ours.” He added “They’ve threatened to sue us every month, just like clockwork–they just need to eat a pint or two of Chunky Monkey and calm down.”
As for the timing of the lawsuit, Ms. Wright had this to say: “We were expecting a check in the mail, but it never came. At first we thought it was late, but after a couple of weeks we knew something was dreadfully wrong and that we needed to take action.”
Welcome to the second installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.
Volume II: Outlaw all Pharmaceuticals
The economic benefits of outlawing pharmaceuticals are wide and varied. First, all pharmacists, drug companies, distributors, lobbyists, and salesmen will be jailed. This action creates an abundance of new jobs for the growing unemployed population. Moreover, the need for related professionals such as “drug dealers” and “urban pharmacists” skyrockets. Once everyone in the pharmaceuticals game is behind bars, our already over-crowded prisons must be expanded. This need for infrastructure results in state-funded projects for construction workers. Moreover, these facilities require additional staff to keep track of miscreants.
The sentences for drug-related crimes will be normalized to two years without parole for all offenses. During this time these workers are forced to work in prison factories. The influx of license plates pushes car companies to increase production to avoid the exorbitant cost of storing unused tags. The resulting abundance of autos reduces their price until every person in America can afford a car. The government thus lowers the driving age to 12 to facilitate car-related commerce. This, in turn, necessitates more driving instructors and highway patrol(wo)men. The roads become crammed, thus more roads are built. Young drivers pay ridiculously high insurance rates, proving a boon to insurers. Increased traffic results in more accidents, setting off a chain reaction of ambitious body shop work and swollen courtrooms.
The net result is a wealth of jobs in multiple sectors. All that remains to be decided is the location of the new jails. We suggest Montana.
Video game mogul Nintendo unveiled it’s first game marketed directly to the religious community: Wii Pray. “It’s time we recognize the needs of gamers sensitive to silly superstitions,” said C.E.O. Kawabata Shinkuma. Wii pray, which utilizes the Wii Fit components, measures players’ posture, composure, and devotion during prayer. The packaging also includes extra Nun-Chucks (TM) for dual game play.
“We’ve been dogmatic about unity here at Nintendo,” said Shinkuma. “This is a game for Christians, Muslims, Jews, or whatever other mumbo jumbo you believe in.” Wii Pray comes just one week after the release of Wisdom Tree’s Sims’ Lord–a fact the Nintendo C.E.O. couldn’t evade. “Look, our idea was immaculately conceived in the boulder covered caves of Nintendo,” asserted Shinkuma. “Accept no false idols: Wii Pray is your video game savior.”
(Tibet: a pair of young monks solemnly reflect on the emptiness of being as onlookers gawk at their quintuple digit scores.)
Nintendo’s stock has been hit heavily by the Global Finanical Crisis, but Shinkuma has faith that Wii Pray will resurrect his company to their former prestige. “I just pray it catches on,” he said.
Band name: Metalmorphosis
Genre: avant garde, noise metal
Themes: satire, inhumanity, guilt, isolation, inadequacy, absurdity, bureaucracy, social norms
Lyrics: “When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous vermin…”
Image: Kafkaesque
Tag line: “Dear Max, please burn everything”
Welcome to the first installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.
Volume I: The Mandatory Secession of Montana
The benefits of Montana’s secession from the United States are almost as plentiful as its only natural resource: militia men. Firstly, we’ll stop wasting government spying on these psuedo-separatists. The Montana Militia has already prepared a new bureaucracy, flag, and currency for their new State, so we don’t have to arrange another expensive puppet regime. We’ll have a new trading partner in Montana, one whose needs are be immediate and thorough. While their currency is primarily backed by bear furs, our support will foster world wide recognition of its value. This also helps bolster the U.S. dollar.
When the deal begins to sour, the U.S. will declare war on Montana. This domestic effort is far cheaper than our exotic campaigns. Moreover, it brings troops closer to home. More Americans will be put to work building a great wall around this new hostile boarder. Once we’ve subdued the Montanans in battle, we can use it as a cheap tourist destination or penal colony.
Our comrades at Boing Boing have unearthed yet another important historical document. Rampant neglect of capitalization, terminal punctuation and misuse of they’re/their, who’s/whose, and it’s/its aside, this is good stuff:
Norfolk Virginia’s favorite prophetical non-profit is poised to launch the largest fish-related knitting project in the history of fish-related knitting. PETA is poised to clothe the entire sea population with kitten costumes in an effort to end fishing and seafood consumption.
“We’re going to get catty about fish,” says PETA president and co-founder Ingrid Newpicard, in an uncharacteristically punny press conference. “Fish need to be treated with the same reference we have for kittens right meow.” When questioned about the fate of the catfish, Newpicard chuckled and replied “What a kitty thing to ask me.” She further intimated that “Sea Kittens was a last minute decision. I for one wanted them to be called Sea Pussies.”
A spokeswoman for the Red Lobster chain issued a public reply to the campaign which applauds PETA’s “misguided enthusiam.” She further intimated the bizzare project was “a little fishy” and likely related to the members’ dietary lacuna of Omega-3.
Tucson, Arizona based video game company Wisdom Tree is set to release “Sims’ Lord,” a bible themed video game in the vein of the popular Sims and Spore series. “Jesus is back and in a big way” says C.E.O. Christian Smith. “Most simulation games leave out the most important character: The Big Guy, the Head Cheese, the Head Honcho, you know, God.”
Sims’ Lord allows gamers to play the role of Jesus Christ and influence the progress of history in order to subtly manipulate video game designers. “It’s important that people see that God is pulling the strings,” says Smith. “Every one of those sim-ulation games is the result of God’s plan–that’s what this game teaches you.”
In related news Maxis, the creators of The Sims and others, is suing over copyright infringement.
Band name: Tanked!
Genre: Progressive Metal
Themes: panzers, drinking, swimming, changing the water every now and then
Lyrics: “blub blub blub blub blub”
Image: the heaviest of tanks
Tag line: “Go Fish”
