Nine months after the death of George Carlin, biographer Al Sleet has unveiled a startling discovery: when not performing his act, Carlin drummed for the ’70s progressive rock band Gentle Giant. “I was looking through his financial records when I came across some paychecks from Vertigo and Columbia Records,” said Sleet. “It turns out that from 1972 to 1980 he drummed under the name John ‘Pugwash’ Weathers.” During this stint he recorded such classic albums as Octopus, In a Glass House, and The Power and the Glory.
“As his comedy act took off, Carlin has less and less time for the band,” said Sleet, who discovered several lost journals of reflections about the band. “His writing on the subject is in British English, so it took some time to decipher the texts, but he clearly talks about the conflicts between his two careers.” This eventually lead to the band’s downfall. Carlin’s preoccupation with the Federal Communications Commission v. Pacifica Foundation case and its relation to his “Seven Dirty Words” skit lead to a watered down Gentle Giant album in 1978. Fans and critics largely concur Giant for a Day foreshadowed the demise of the band.
“In the end, George Carlin was a magnificent entertainer who happened to be a hell of good drummer,” said Sleet. “I never would have guessed the comic so well know for his plain black garb would wear such silly costumes though.”
(Above: George Carlin behind the skins on Gentle Giant’s “Proclamation”)
The giant squid protest against the newspaper industry entered its second week yesterday. “Ultimately, we’re hopeful there will be a timely resolution that’s beneficial to all parties involved, but we can’t keep waiting” said Rupert Murdoch, owner of The Wall Street Journal, one of the papers affected by the strike. “If they don’t get back to work by the end of the week, we’ll be forced to take drastic actions.”
Giant squids, whom produce 80 percent of the ink used to print papers, have been lobbying for better hours and a more comprehensive dental plan. “Grghghgh ghghg ghghrrr,” said Grrrghr, the representative of the Architeuthis dux genus.
The heads of the five newspaper families will meet later this week in New York to discuss what to do about the protest. “It’s a sticky situation,” said Murdoch. “The newspaper industry is a sinking ship that can’t afford to provide life vests to every pissant employee.” While he denied any knowledge of their presence, an inside source informed Stampworthy that Japanese fishing boats with the FOX logo have amassed along all major world coasts. Murdoch did comment however, “giant squid sushi would fetch a pretty hefty price on the underground seafood market.”
Welcome to the fourth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.
Volume IV: Eliminate Women in the Workforce
With the rise of feminism and affirmative action, women have never had it so well. Just think, ninety years ago women couldn’t even vote. It was a much different time, a better time. America had no idea where pro-women thinking would take them. Due to the massive amount of women in the workforce, quality and productivity are at an all time low in the United States. With a severe lack of excellent product, demands for our exports are slowing at an ever increasing speed. How many times have you thought, said or heard someone say “They don’t make them like they used to?” Us here at Stampworthy have a few ideas to make things like it was in the long, long ago.
If women are eliminated or limited to certain jobs in the workforce, productivity will go through the roof. No longer will men be distracted by the sexy secretary. No longer will it take two people to do the job of one because a women lacked the strength to do it on her own. If females are given tasks that they are historically better at (i.e. daycare, cooking, cleaning, giving birth, prostitution) then their self esteem grows. who doesn’t want to feel like they are good at their job?
Many women will be upset that they will lose their job or be downgraded to a job where they make significantly less money. We here at Stampworthy can ease their minds by letting them know that men, natural leaders, will excel in the position where they failed. This country was founded by men and for men. We have lost our way… and that way is to keep our women in check. If they fail to comply, we’ll send them to Montana, site of a new super-prison run by men.
(Above: an integrated zombie/human math class learns the ins and outs of integrals)
In a surprise move this week, President Barrack Obama announced the “No Zombie Left Behind Act,” a series of sweeping education reforms pertaining to the living impaired. “It’s time we recognize the rights of these disadvantaged students,” said Obama. “Education in the U.S. isn’t just from the cradle to the grave. Just because a person isn’t living doesn’t mean they aren’t learning.”
The NZLBA rewards schools with high testing undead pupils with Title T funds. “This money is an umbrella for these students, protecting them from the horrors of the sun and tax levie funding,” said Obama. “Let me make this clear. This money isn not a handout; these students have got to get brains.” He further added: “braaaains.”
Metallica has been one to always top themselves (i.e. St. Anger). Earlier this week guitarist Kirk Hammett announced that Jason Newstead will join the band when they perform during their Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame
induction ceremony. In a Stampworthy exclusive interview, Hammett announced the return of their deceased bass player Cliff Burton.
“Cliff Burton was resurrected from the dead earlier this week,” Hammett proudly announced. “We keep chasing our past, so we thought, why not bring the past to life?” He added: “Thinking about doing this ceremony without Cliff would drive me into the sanitarium. We had to ride the lightning on this one so we could kill ‘em all on stage.”
In his first interview in decades Cliff Burton seemed ecstatic to join his former comrades. “My revival is a thing that should not be. But new technology had me hit the lights and I was greeted by James (Hetfield) and Lars (Ulrich) with a ‘Welcome Home’ sign as I began to breathe again.” He further expressed elation about the upcoming Rock Hall induction. “I am stoked to play the show! After all that’s the place where rock stars go to die, so why not bring the dead?” Metallica’s PR crew has warned Burton to refrain from his signature excessive head banging during the concert. “Much like the other members, I’m not quite all there, so they don’t want the creeping death.”
Media speculation over the inclusion of former guitarist, Megadeth founder Dave Mustaine. Kirk squashed the rumours. “Playing with Dave would be a mega symphony of destruction.” He further added: “Have you actually listened to Megadeth? I mean, we put out some bad albums but come on.”
Metallica is rumoured to be playing ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ with Burton at the event April 4th in Cleveland. “We can’t wait to unload this show–justice will be served in Cleveland. Without Cliff, and nothing else matters,” said Kirk of the show. Burton further added: “This time, no tour buses.”
Dr. Philip Neigh, professor of astrophysics at Fake University has a dire warning for the citizens of Earth: “If you green it, they will come.” Neigh announced at a press conference today that recent advances in so-called “green” technology may renew aliens’ interest in our planet. “They’ve been looking elsewhere,” said Neigh, “but if we keep cleaning things up, they may come back.” He further extrapolated that although the aliens’ intentions are unknown to us, they’re most likely dubious. “I mean, they probably don’t look like us, and that means they’re bad news bears,” he said.
Neigh proposes a range of actions to mitigate the possibility of invasion. “There are many things we can do to prevent a calamity,” he said. “The easiest is to throw our trash onto the street instead of into trash cans.” He further suggested driving an S.U.V. to the end of the driveway to get the paper, running faucets 24-hours a day, and making the switch to electric scissors.
(Above: an artist’s rendition of Dr. Neigh’s “invaders from beyond the moon”)
While many critics have pointed out Neigh’s dubious credentials and the non-existence of “Fake University,” his ideas are gaining popularity. “They call me mad, but I’m a man of science,” said Neigh, “And what’s more, I’ve got the respect and support of the American people.” Stampworthy has uncovered records that prove the late author Michael Crichton has been funding Neigh’s research since the 1980s. Neigh is currently gathering signature for a petition to Congress calling for the execution of all recyclers and members of Earth First.
Stampworthy has been tipped off that SF writer and conspiracy theory guru Robert Anton Wilson is alive, well, and apparently living as a Capuchin monk who sings in a heavy metal band. The following video, which was sent to our offices on an unmarked Betamax tape and was recently featured on Boing Boing, provides visual confirmation:
Welcome to the third installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.
Volume III: Rent the Presidency
Opinions are like assholes–they’re both itchy and very close to genitals. Everyone thinks they know what’s best for the nation, and as such, the government will, for a sizable fee, allow any citizen to act as commander in chief for a day. The legislation they pass and veto is likely to be drastic and quite absurd. As such Congress and the Senate will spend all of their time fixing things and thus stop spending time intervening in the economy, social, and legal issues. This is in turn will save U.S. citizen from the drastic and quite absurd actions of their government–a kind of legislative bailout. The people will have renewed faith in the government and as such start spending and starting businesses again.
Of course their will abuses of the Presidency. From mile-high-club parties on Air Force One to the implementation of new national holidays such as “No Pants Friday,” there will damage to America’s credibility abroad (except with France). As such, the unemployed American masses will get new jobs as will ambassadors, PR agents, and janitors in charge of cleaning up the proverbial and literal mess created by rogue Presidents. If there aren’t enough interested parties, we’ll implement a night with Michelle special.
The Obama administration announced Friday that terror suspects will no longer be referred to as “combatants” and instead will be called “birthday boys.” The controversial term “combatants” came into common parlance during the Bush Jr. administration and was often used to describe detainees at Guantánamo Bay in Cuba. The new term “birthday boys” alludes to a kinder, gentler treatment of said detainees.
“This term marks the start of a new era,” said President Barrack Obama. “From now on the world community must recognize, we treat our illegal detainees better than anyone else.” President Obama went on to outline new guidelines, under which all “birthday boys” will be treated to cake and party favors, as if it were their birthdays.
The ACLU responded immediately to the annuncedment with a harshly worded letter. “We’re outraged by this whitewashing,” said ACLU chairman Bill Stressman. “Everyone knows that not all detainees are men.”
has unveiled a startling discovery: when not performing his act, Carlin drummed for the ’70s progressive rock band Gentle Giant. “I was looking through his financial records when I came across some paychecks from Vertigo and Columbia Records,” said Sleet. “It turns out that from 1972 to 1980 he drummed under the name John ‘Pugwash’ Weathers.” During this stint he recorded such classic albums as Octopus, In a Glass House, and The Power and the Glory.
there will be a timely resolution that’s beneficial to all parties involved, but we can’t keep waiting” said Rupert Murdoch, owner of The Wall Street Journal, one of the papers affected by the strike. “If they don’t get back to work by the end of the week, we’ll be forced to take drastic actions.”
