A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science affirms the long-held theory that a child’s hopscotch ability indicates their likelihood of achievement later in life.

“This will revolutionize our approach to education,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers.

The century long study on which the paper is based is comprised of data gathered at elementary schools across the U.S.

“It’s taken us a long time to assemble this information, but the results are crystal clear,” said Meyers.  “The better you are at hopscotch at age 6, the more successful you’ll be by age 60.”

Dr. Meyers could only theorize as to the ‘why’ of the connection.  “I’m not sure as the to primary link,” he said.  “But it probably has something to do with drive, determination, and an intense fear of humiliation and hazing from insensitive hop-heads.”

Among the tentative conclusions reached in the TITS study is a controversial call for a mandatory hopscotch exam for admission to elementary school.

“We know it’s not going to be popular,” said Meyers.  “But you have to ask yourself–is it really worth a teacher taking extra class time to help a kid color between the lines when they can’t even hop between them?”

32 years–that’s how long we’ve had to prepare for the swine flu, according to ex-Pink Floyd bassist Rodger Waters.  “When we put out Animals in 1977, I insisted on the flying pig avatar for concerts.  That pig was the warning,” he intimated in a press conference earlier today.  “People really seemed to enjoy the music and the pig, so I assumed the message was clear.”

Waters claims the lyrics to songs on Animals reinforce the imagery of the avian swine.  “Look at the lyrics to ‘Pigs on the Wing 1′:  If you didn’t care what happened to me/And I didn’t care for you/We would zigzag our way through the boredom and pain/occasionally glancing up through the rain/wondering which of the buggers to blame/and watching for pigs on the wing.”  He went on to hum the guitar solo.  “Have you got it, yet?  Don’t you see the meaning?” asked Waters.  “It rains in April, farmers bugger farm animals, and pigs on a wing are flying pigs–that means they flu!”  Waters went on to play his entire catalog of songs for the press conference over the course of several hours before taking more questions.

“I’m an artist and as such I’m ahead of the curve.  I know these things are going to happen,” said Waters.  “I tried to warn everyone, but apparently most people just don’t understand symbolism.”

“After years of searching, I’ve finally found my long lost cousin Timbaland,” said Mr. T at a packed press conference earlier today.  The two appeared side by side to answer questions for five minutes and lift weights for an hour.  “It’s so great to know I’m at least related to someone relevant,” said T.

T’s quest for his estranged cousin began as an attempt to flesh out his family tree . “I was trying to figure out what the ‘t’ in my name stood for and was searching through a photo album when a song from Scream came up on my I-pod,” said T.  “I thought, ‘I hate this fool singer, but these beats are funky, man these beats are funky.’  Then I remembered my childhood family reunions.”

“Mr. T and I used to make all kinds of noises as kids,” said Timbaland as he wiped tears away from his eyes.  “We banged pots and pans in the kitchen while ol’ grand dad whistled and played with spoons on his knees…they were wooden spoons, but he was blind, so no one told him.”  Timbaland further stated he was aware of the relation, but thought Mr. T had died in the late 1980s in a laser-tag accident.  “I’m so glad to stand next to him–to see that he’s, you know, still alive,” said Timbaland.

The aging B-list actor and member of the A-team says the two have begun work on his third album, Ain’t No Fooling Me…I’m Still Mr. T.  “This whole incident made me realize something,” said T.  “Everyone thinks I’m dead–I’m not dead.  I pitty the fool who thinks I’m dead.”

Stanley Burrell a.k.a. MC Hammer was arrested yesterday for assaulting Liam Addams, a high school senior, at a local mall in Oakland, California.  Police reports state that the boy was ‘paying homage’ to the rapper at O-Town Fashion Place’s yearly talent show when Hammer suddenly became irate, struck Addams repeatedly with his gold chain, and left the young man in a coma.

“Before he jumped on stage, Hammer proclaimed, ‘No one wears Hammer Pants but Hammer’ then finally he jumped on stage,” said witness, James S. Krise. “We tried to pull him off but he kept screaming ‘you can’t touch this.’ All I can we can do is pray for the boy to be okay.” After posting bail, Hammer stated in his press release that it was “Hammertime to stop the young man from parodying his act” and that he was “too legit to quit once it started.” He showed some remorse stating that he would “send some pumps for the bumps” to Mr. Addams.  The Addams family plans to file charges and has stated “we do what we want to do.”

An American werewolf in New York is taking the city to court over the effects of light pollution.  “It’s affecting my health and preventing me from leading a normal life,” said Hare E. Bach, the plaintiff who filed the suite.  Bach claims the luminescent glow of lights and buildings obscures moon light, which is vital to his well being.  “Things have gotten pretty hairy lately,” he said.  “I’ve been so depressed I haven’t taken myself for a walk in two months.”

Back claims he’s contacted the city on several occasions about the problem, but that no action has been taken.  “This law suite is frivolous,” said Singapore Hellsing, a representative of the city.  “We’ve heard hide nor hair of Bach until now and besides that, the green night sky is one of the defining characteristics of our skyline,” he said.  “There’s no single silver bullet that will solve this problem to everyone’s satisfaction.”

A judge will hear the case on the next full moon.

Band name: God Damm (ft. former members of Korn, Creed, Faith + 1, & Stryper)

Genre: Christian Pop Metal

Themes: Being the bad boys of Christian rock, posing, and God complexes

Lyrics: “With robes wide open/under the glass panes/Welcome to my
chambers/I’ll show you everything”

Image: Sheep skins

Tag line:  “I can see, I can see, I can see I’m going blind (without Jesus)”

Welcome to the fifth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Pot, weed, grass, smoke, Acapulco gold, cannabis, reefer, Texas tea, ganja, stash, Mary Jane, herb, wacky tebacky, AK-47, Bubble Gum, dope, Vitamin M, bud, blunt, Sam, home-grown, Black Bart, The chronic, take five, broccoli, spliff, sack, green, hemp, nature hike, immigration papers, toke, nature’s babysitter, Maui wowie, sweet leaf, the plant, Jamaican sight seeing tour, chef’s salad, joint, Jolly Green Giant, the vegetarian option, Jame’s joys, break time, Bob Marley’s lawn clippings, breakfast of champions, and space grass–it goes by many names.

Whatever you call it, it’s the solution to our economic woes.

The legalization of marijuana creates a new market to house executives, financiers, and stoke venture capitalists.  The mass farming, harvesting, and packaging of the product requires the mobilization of America’s unemployed masses, who are already deeply involved in the trade of said product.  The decriminalization aspect frees up space in our over-crowded jails, while freed prisoners are primed for the automotive industry, which will transport the crop.  Also, extreme greenies will stop crying and get jobs.  Drug smugglers will have lower carbon footprints and proctologist bills.

As a matter of national security, it ends our dependence on foreign plants.  America has a rich culture of horticulturalists, ranging all the way back to George-King of the United States-Washington.   Some scientists theorize massive fields of marijuana would help increase greenhouse gases, thus solving our climate woes as well.  America will reemerge as a agricultural giant, a massive exporter of plants and hemp necklaces. Best of all, this move saves the government from bailing out Funyons and Cheetos, whose sales are expected to increase by 1,000%.

Where will we grow this crop you ask?  We at Stampworthy suggest the entire state of Montana.

A homeless man publicly executed on Friday has risen from the grave.  A group of shocked onlookers ran in terror as he proceeded to consume the flesh of the living.

“He seemed agitated and disoriented,” said one onlooker.  “First he ranted about a bunny laying eggs and his twelve drinking buddies, and then he became aggressive and started biting people.”

Stampworthy sent three reporters to get the scoop, all of whom mysteriously vanished.  One of their taperecorders has been recorvered, containing the word “braaaiiinnnsss” repeated for fifteen minutes.

If there is anything that can be said about the bailouts, everyone can agree…that there haven’t been enough. The government should be printing enough money to give everyone 1 million USD. What’s the harm in that? These politicians need to stop thinking like we’re going to run out of ink. PRINT. PRINT. PRINT.

We as a nation are not taking advantage of our greatest asset:  the ability to print money.

Our investors are not happy…We have been running in the red for the past three quarters. I’m afraid that if we don’t receive a bailout, we may have to fire all of our CEOs and halt the bonuses given to our board of directors. That would be unacceptable.  Isn’t this America: the Land of the Free Money?

WE ARE TOO BIG TO FAIL! Too big! You hear that!?

I’m so fired up, I think I’m going to go take a cruise in my yacht.

P.S. Send monies.

Google Stalker, the newest program from search engine guru Google, promises to hone Internet stalking to a science.  The service aggregates and sythesizes social networking sites, blogs, and other public documents into one easy to read page.  Google C.E.O. Eric Schmuck announced the service today at a packed press conference at the Googleplex, the company’s compound in Mountain View, California.  “Let’s face it–the majority of the people who spend time online are friendless males who stalk women,” said Schmuck.  “It’s time we cater to their needs.”