Cereal killer strikes again, lays Smacks down

July 14th, 2009 by Rick

New York’s infamous Son of Tony cereal killer has struck again.  The victim this time is 27-year-old Bobby Lance Miskef Zepsucie, heir to the Kellogg’s Sugar Smacks fortune.  His body was found Monday evening covered in the cereal his father invented in 1953.  Police have yet to reveal details, but eye-witnesses told Stampworthy reporters his mouth was overflowing with Sugar Smacks, leading to speculation of forced inhalation and subsequent suffocation.

If verified, this marks the fourth killing of a cereal heir related death in the last month.  The first three deaths include the Downy child of the creator of Special K, the gay son of the Fruit Loops engineer, and the flakey Rice Krispies triplets, whom New Yorkers have decided to count as one entity.

Police have yet to make an arrest in the Son of Tony case, but are hopeful.  “We have yet to make an arrest in the Son of Tony case, but we’re hopeful,” said Adolf O’Malley, head of the New York Police Department’s Sugar-related Crimes Unit (SCU).  He later affirmed the SCU has yet to make an arrest in the Son of Tony case, but they’re hopeful.

Some have questioned whether Zepsucie murder is related to the other deaths.  “He was into the hard stuff,” a close friend of Zepsucie told Stampworthy reporters.  “He started running with a different crowd and didn’t really seem like himself…he just sat there staring at the wall mumbling ‘dig ‘em.’”

Still, the SCU is pursuing the case as a related crime.  “We’re pursuing the case as a related crime,” said O’Malley.  “Fool me once, shame on…shame on you.  Fool me four times–you can’t fool me again.”

In a related story the heir to the Frosted Flakes fortune has gone missing.   His family could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson from Kellogg’s told Stampworthy reporters that the public should not panic, that “everything will be great.”

Metal Sunday: Lynyrd’s Innyrds

July 5th, 2009 by Rick

Band name: Lynyrd’s Innyrds

Genre: blues/goregrind

Themes: the rebel flag, slaughter, Union butchers, butchery

Lyrics: “If I cleave her tomorrow, would she be able to tell the cops about me, for I must jumping state lines now, ’cause there are other circulatory systems I need to open, but if I stayed here with you girl, your corpse just wouldn’t be the same, ’cause I’m freer than a jailbird now, and this bird you can not change, lord knows I can’t change.”

Image: Lynyrd Skynyrd meets Charles Manson meets Carcass

Tag line:  “Sweet Home Gore-o-rama”

Strange but true: one in thirty finds spiders “creepy”

July 2nd, 2009 by Rick

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science reveals one person in thirty finds large, hairy arachnids “creepy.”

“It’s as if we’re still living in the Dark Ages,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers, who further harangued the packed press conference against the sad, bigoted state of society.

The study tested participants response to being led into a 10′x10′ room full of Goliath bird-eating tarantulae and then locked in for a period of 48 hours, after which they participated in a short survey.

“Well, to be honest, they have too many legs and just plain look like they’re up to no good,” said an anonymous member of the Third Klux Panthers, a secretive, anti-arachnid group. “These spiders are taking our jobs, raping our women, and don’t respect the American flag” he said.

Although its numbers have not been verified, the group claims to include roughly one-thirtieth the population of the U.S.

Their official slogan is “Better Dead than Web.”

“As as scientist, I’m supposed to be impartial, but I have to editorialize,” said Meyers.  “These people are fucking sickos.”

Occupational video game designers simulate military occupational design

June 30th, 2009 by Rick

“We need to modernize the series in a realistic manner,” said Bill Gainer, President of Re-Activision, after announcing the release of the fifth title in the “Call of Duty” video game franchise.  “Call of Duty 5:  Full-Time Occupation” includes missions that simulate patrol of liberated Iraq, marking the second time the series has ventured from its World War II time frame.  “We decided that if we’re going to portray modern warfare, we need to base it on real life,” said Gainer.

The storyline picks up shortly after the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner was unfurled and continues until the present day.  Over the course of the game, the character controls three different characters including an American in charge of a small brigade, an Iraqi child sent by the U.S. military to infiltrate a would-be insurgency group, and an elderly peasant woman escaping fire from both sides.  In addition to shell shock, “Call of Duty 5″ includes fast screen clipping to simulate methamphetamine withdrawal.

“We have faith that we can continue this series for quite some time,” said Gainer.  “There’s no end in site to the series’ longevity–expect another hundred years of games.”

Pathetic man unable to fulfill sim’s life

June 29th, 2009 by Zombie

Steve Nieves, a 29 year old house painter, is so incapable at the basic tenets of life that he cannot fulfill the life of his character in the popular game Sims 3.A sad, dreamless man watches his simulated character's sad, dreamless existence.

Even though the developers of The Sims series program each character with artificial intelligence that guides them towards self-satisfaction, Steve thwarts his avatar’s every attempt at meaningful existence.

“Well, so my guy, I named him Bart Fart, he wants to be a writer, so the computer wants to make him write,” Nieves muttered in between mouthfulls of chips and beer, “but I’m here playing this game all day, it just doesn’t feel right to make him do more than troll on the internet or play video games.”

Nieves was able to assist his character in one way, however, by giving him the “slob” personality trait.

“Since he’s a slob, he doesn’t get bothered by a messy room, so that makes it easier.  Gives him more time to relax.”

So far after 19 hours of gameplay, only interrupted for a brief masturbation session while watching an illegally downloaded copy of Swordfish, Steve has not managed to obtain any meaningful career or relationship goals for Mr. Fart.

“He’s written about half of a story, and when he finishes it he can sell it for money, but I just keep thinking it’s not fair.  What if he isn’t inspired?  That could really hurt his feelings.  And it totally sucks they don’t have house painting as a career goal.  House painting is good money, and nobody complains if you show up drunk.  Shit, did I have work today?”

Brachiosauruses suffered erectile dysfunction

June 1st, 2009 by Rick

“We’re pretty sure they couldn’t get it up,” said Dr. Rodger Malmstein, resident paleontologist of The Dinosaur Museum in Blanding, Utah.  Dr. Malmstein’s research shows brachiosauruses lacked  sufficient blood flow to maintain an erection without resultant loss of blood flow to the brain.  “This solves the mystery about why so many brachiosauruses skeletons are involved in coitus,” said Dr. Malmstein.  “Many times when the male prepared to preform the deed, he passed out and crushed his partner.”

Dr. Malmstein’s has been researching the sex lives of dinosaurs for 16 years, ever since he read Michael Crichton’s seminal novel “Jurassic Park.”  “That book changed everything,” says Dr. Malmstein.  “The story and the characters were so compelling, but the thing that really got to me was the sexual tension between Ellie and the Tyrannosaurus–that transformed my career.”

Dr. Malmstein plans to release this and other findings in a new book later this year entitled “Dino-sores:  sex, STDs, and Prehistoric Animals.”

You Heard It Here Second: Rock band uncovers gnomes’ secret plot to drown Earth in molten pigment

May 25th, 2009 by Rick

Massachusetts’ doom trio Black Pyramid have uncovered startling footage of a secret, subterranean terrorist plot.  The evidence is posted below.  Homeland Security should fund their next album.

Mid-season break, South Park fan enters depression

May 7th, 2009 by Rick

“I don’t know if I can make it much longer,” said Bartholomew Gustafson, a longtime South Park fan. The 13 season animated show has been dormant for two weeks follow its mid-season break.

“I haven’t laughed for fourteen days and have had nothing to talk about at the water cooler at work,” said Gustafson.  The 28 year old virgin accountant, says the show meant the world to him, and likened its absence to multiple deaths in the family.  “I’m so depressed.  I see Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny’s faces everywhere I go, I just…I just…miss them so much,” said Gustafson between bouts of crying.

Gustafson faces four years in prison for disturbing a private graveyard, a charge he claims is related to the cartoon.  “I buried my South Park dolls in the old Indian burial ground–I thought it’d work, like on the show,” he said.  Gustafson was incredulous when presented with a copy of the book “Pet Cemetery” by Stephen King.  “No way, this King guy ripped them off!”  He now faces 20 years in prison for beating a Stampworthy reporter to death with the novel.

New episodes of South Park resume this fall.

Metal Sunday: Plutonium

May 3rd, 2009 by Rick

Band name: Plutonium (Pu)

Genre: Progressive sludge metal

Themes: Engineering isotopes, UN inspections, and the annihilation of humanity

Lyrics: “bring me my wine/the dawn of my rebirth/sleep/forget/when the cup is empty/I drink from nothingness/forever/transcend through time”

Image: Southern and Old Country-refined class, plus goggles

Tag line:  “Pu-666, the heaviest of metals”

Calvin Klein unviels “Whiskey for Women”

May 1st, 2009 by Rick

Fragrance designer Calvin Klein unveiled a new line of perfumes at his headquarters in New York entitled “Whiskey for Women.”  “It’s a perfume for the confident, aggressive women,’” said Klein.  The perfume, which is ninety percent Johnny Walker Red Label, makes the wearer smell of fermented grain.

“Unlike my other lines, this one has a practical component,” said Klein, alluding to the country’s economic woes and poor fragrance sales last quarter.  “If at the end of the night you’re alone and feeling down, you can imbibe the rest to feel better about yourself.”

“Whiskey for Women” has been available in Russia for years, but this is the first time it’s been marketed and sold in the U.S.  “The Ruskies loved it and I’m confident Americans are ready for it,” said Klein.  “Better red than dead–bottoms up!”