Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

Occupational video game designers simulate military occupational design

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

“We need to modernize the series in a realistic manner,” said Bill Gainer, President of Re-Activision, after announcing the release of the fifth title in the “Call of Duty” video game franchise.  “Call of Duty 5:  Full-Time Occupation” includes missions that simulate patrol of liberated Iraq, marking the second time the series has ventured from its World War II time frame.  “We decided that if we’re going to portray modern warfare, we need to base it on real life,” said Gainer.

The storyline picks up shortly after the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner was unfurled and continues until the present day.  Over the course of the game, the character controls three different characters including an American in charge of a small brigade, an Iraqi child sent by the U.S. military to infiltrate a would-be insurgency group, and an elderly peasant woman escaping fire from both sides.  In addition to shell shock, “Call of Duty 5″ includes fast screen clipping to simulate methamphetamine withdrawal.

“We have faith that we can continue this series for quite some time,” said Gainer.  “There’s no end in site to the series’ longevity–expect another hundred years of games.”

Calvin Klein unviels “Whiskey for Women”

Friday, May 1st, 2009

Fragrance designer Calvin Klein unveiled a new line of perfumes at his headquarters in New York entitled “Whiskey for Women.”  “It’s a perfume for the confident, aggressive women,’” said Klein.  The perfume, which is ninety percent Johnny Walker Red Label, makes the wearer smell of fermented grain.

“Unlike my other lines, this one has a practical component,” said Klein, alluding to the country’s economic woes and poor fragrance sales last quarter.  “If at the end of the night you’re alone and feeling down, you can imbibe the rest to feel better about yourself.”

“Whiskey for Women” has been available in Russia for years, but this is the first time it’s been marketed and sold in the U.S.  “The Ruskies loved it and I’m confident Americans are ready for it,” said Klein.  “Better red than dead–bottoms up!”

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Welcome to the fifth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Pot, weed, grass, smoke, Acapulco gold, cannabis, reefer, Texas tea, ganja, stash, Mary Jane, herb, wacky tebacky, AK-47, Bubble Gum, dope, Vitamin M, bud, blunt, Sam, home-grown, Black Bart, The chronic, take five, broccoli, spliff, sack, green, hemp, nature hike, immigration papers, toke, nature’s babysitter, Maui wowie, sweet leaf, the plant, Jamaican sight seeing tour, chef’s salad, joint, Jolly Green Giant, the vegetarian option, Jame’s joys, break time, Bob Marley’s lawn clippings, breakfast of champions, and space grass–it goes by many names.

Whatever you call it, it’s the solution to our economic woes.

The legalization of marijuana creates a new market to house executives, financiers, and stoke venture capitalists.  The mass farming, harvesting, and packaging of the product requires the mobilization of America’s unemployed masses, who are already deeply involved in the trade of said product.  The decriminalization aspect frees up space in our over-crowded jails, while freed prisoners are primed for the automotive industry, which will transport the crop.  Also, extreme greenies will stop crying and get jobs.  Drug smugglers will have lower carbon footprints and proctologist bills.

As a matter of national security, it ends our dependence on foreign plants.  America has a rich culture of horticulturalists, ranging all the way back to George-King of the United States-Washington.   Some scientists theorize massive fields of marijuana would help increase greenhouse gases, thus solving our climate woes as well.  America will reemerge as a agricultural giant, a massive exporter of plants and hemp necklaces. Best of all, this move saves the government from bailing out Funyons and Cheetos, whose sales are expected to increase by 1,000%.

Where will we grow this crop you ask?  We at Stampworthy suggest the entire state of Montana.

Google unveils “Google Stalker”

Saturday, April 4th, 2009

Google Stalker, the newest program from search engine guru Google, promises to hone Internet stalking to a science.  The service aggregates and sythesizes social networking sites, blogs, and other public documents into one easy to read page.  Google C.E.O. Eric Schmuck announced the service today at a packed press conference at the Googleplex, the company’s compound in Mountain View, California.  “Let’s face it–the majority of the people who spend time online are friendless males who stalk women,” said Schmuck.  “It’s time we cater to their needs.”

Nintendo announces religous-themed “Wii Pray”

Monday, March 9th, 2009

Video game mogul Nintendo unveiled it’s first game marketed directly to the religious community:  Wii Pray.  “It’s time we recognize the needs of gamers sensitive to silly superstitions,” said C.E.O. Kawabata Shinkuma.  Wii pray, which utilizes the Wii Fit components, measures players’ posture, composure, and devotion during prayer.  The packaging also includes extra Nun-Chucks (TM) for dual game play.

“We’ve been dogmatic about unity here at Nintendo,” said Shinkuma.  “This is a game for Christians, Muslims, Jews, or whatever other mumbo jumbo you believe in.”  Wii Pray comes just one week after  the release of Wisdom Tree’s Sims’ Lord–a fact the Nintendo C.E.O. couldn’t evade.  “Look, our idea was immaculately conceived in the boulder covered caves of Nintendo,” asserted Shinkuma.  “Accept no false idols:  Wii Pray is your video game savior.”

(Tibet:  a pair of young monks solemnly reflect on the emptiness of being as onlookers gawk at their quintuple digit scores.)

Nintendo’s stock has been hit heavily by the Global Finanical Crisis, but Shinkuma has faith that Wii Pray will resurrect his company to their former prestige.  “I just pray it catches on,” he said.

Sims’ Lord to bless Christian gamers

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

Tucson, Arizona based video game company Wisdom Tree is set to release “Sims’ Lord,” a bible themed video game in the vein of the popular Sims and Spore series.   “Jesus is back and in a big way” says C.E.O. Christian Smith.  “Most simulation games leave out the most important character:  The Big Guy, the Head Cheese, the Head Honcho, you know, God.”

Sims’ Lord allows gamers to play the role of Jesus Christ and influence the progress of history in order to subtly manipulate video game designers.  “It’s important that people see that God is pulling the strings,” says Smith.  “Every one of those sim-ulation games is the result of God’s plan–that’s what this game teaches you.”

In related news Maxis, the creators of The Sims and others, is suing over copyright infringement.

To the Stampworthy Masses: We Hear You!

Thursday, January 8th, 2009

**Comments pour in daily. Sometimes all at once, which just goes to show the devotion our readers have, following our posts almost as religion. We read all of your comments, and enjoy the witty insight that you share. I figured I would post some of our favorite comments over the last year…

I like guns. I have a Howitzer out back… so this little diddy had to make the top of the list… How could our readers be so in tune with my interests? Magic? Black Magic? or perhaps…. Black powder pistol kits.

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Encouraged by this readers suggestion, I took out 5 loans. While the reader’s selections were less than well informed.. thanks for the tip.

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Countrywide home loans. Student loans. Small business loans. Fha loans. Payday loans. Bad credit loans. Personal loans. Mortgage loans. Home loans….

This short story… haiku, wait…. poem? I did find use of your link referring to the “raised pink skin patch on penis”. I thought I was the only one. Let the healing begin.

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Who doesn’t like a little cow on pig action? or rooster on sheep for that matter. That link you provided was amazing!

Animal sex mating.

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Animal sex movies. Animal sex pictures. Sex animal sex. Animal sex pics. Farm animal sex. Animal sex….

Thank you for your support in 2008. You’re the best!

**Links removed because spam-bots suck.
As Bob Barker always said, “Please remember to scan and disinfect your PCs.”

New game sweeps nation off of feet and into desk jobs

Sunday, March 16th, 2008

A new software program, Outlook Sweeper, is thought to be responsible for the 20 percent increase in work hours in U.S. businesses last quarter. Software giant Microsoft released the game, a hybrid of Minesweeper and Outlook Express, late last fall.

The program allows workers to play games in their cubicles without fear of detection by superiors. “I don’t have to leave my left hand on the alt-tab keys anymore. I much more relaxed now,” said one anonymous employee of a local energy company.

Outlook Sweeper, Minesweeper, Outlook Express, Microsoft, Bill Gates

Software Executive Steve Ballmer said the program has been floating around the Microsoft office for a while, unbeknownst to him. Ballmer spotted a low level employee refining his schedule for hours on end. After promoting the apparent expert planner, he was surprised to learn that the man had actually been playing a game disguised as a calender.

“One day I was looking over his shoulders and discovered it was actually Minesweeper. I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself,” Ballmer told Stampworthy. “I asked him to install it on my computer. Then I fired him. We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior here at Microsoft.”

The game may be just what the struggling economy needs. Desk jockeys across the country are logging more hours, accruing more overtime pay, and spending more money than every before. Moreover, sales of Microsoft Office Suite already doubled last year’s and are expected to be reach a record high in 2008.

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