Archive for the ‘Science’ Category

Teen smoking rate “greatly diminished after 20″

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science reveals the rate of teen smoking drops off dramatically after age 20.

“This study is a watershed in the fight against teen smoking,” said  TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers.  “It’s likely this data will lead to major revisions in anti-smoking literature.”

The data, which includes surveys from 420 middle schools, high schools, and post secondary schools, flies in the face of conventional wisdom–namely the belief that teen smoking continues into adulthood.

“When we looked at the numbers, we were stunned,” said Myers.  “It turns out that after teen smokers turn 20, their participation in teen smoking goes from 22 percent to 0; it basically stops.”

According to Myers, that means the U.S. Department of Education is wasting 100s of millions of dollars in anti-smoking pamphlets at post secondary institutions across the nation.  “The data says it all–once they’re in their 20s, these kids are no longer teen smokers,” he said.

Myers thinks the study has wider implications as well.

“Extrapolating on that, it seems that teen smoking isn’t habit forming,” he said.  “That means we’re wasting even more money educating kids about an activity that’s essentially limited to seven years of their lives.”

Government satellite to spy on government satellites

Sunday, August 30th, 2009

The U.S. government has announced a new multi-billion dollar satellite spying program to spy on government satellites.

“Our government is a known terrorist organization with numerous ties to terrorist states,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.  “They use satellites to commit numerous acts of terrorism, and it’s our belief that unless we monitor these activities, we’re at risk of an imminent terrorist attack.”

Shortly after Napolitano announced the program, the American Civil Liberties Union announced a lawsuit against the U.S. government, alleging the new program infringes on the U.S. government’s right to privacy.

“The government has no right to invade the government’s business,” said Ima Angree, the ACLU lawyer behind the suite.  “This program is a prime example of the government’s systematic attempt to strip the government of its civil liberties.”

But Napolitano thinks differently.

“These are tough times and tough times call for tough measures,” she said.  “If you don’t agree with that, then tough noogies.”

But Angree thinks differently.

“If the government has the right to invade the privacy of the government, what use has power?” said Angree.  “We are prepared to protect the government from the government at all costs.”

The satellite program is scheduled to begin early next month, despite the pending lawsuit.

Strange but true: one in thirty finds spiders “creepy”

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science reveals one person in thirty finds large, hairy arachnids “creepy.”

“It’s as if we’re still living in the Dark Ages,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers, who further harangued the packed press conference against the sad, bigoted state of society.

The study tested participants response to being led into a 10′x10′ room full of Goliath bird-eating tarantulae and then locked in for a period of 48 hours, after which they participated in a short survey.

“Well, to be honest, they have too many legs and just plain look like they’re up to no good,” said an anonymous member of the Third Klux Panthers, a secretive, anti-arachnid group. “These spiders are taking our jobs, raping our women, and don’t respect the American flag” he said.

Although its numbers have not been verified, the group claims to include roughly one-thirtieth the population of the U.S.

Their official slogan is “Better Dead than Web.”

“As as scientist, I’m supposed to be impartial, but I have to editorialize,” said Meyers.  “These people are fucking sickos.”

Old adage confirmed: “hopscotch ability linked to success”

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science affirms the long-held theory that a child’s hopscotch ability indicates their likelihood of achievement later in life.

“This will revolutionize our approach to education,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers.

The century long study on which the paper is based is comprised of data gathered at elementary schools across the U.S.

“It’s taken us a long time to assemble this information, but the results are crystal clear,” said Meyers.  “The better you are at hopscotch at age 6, the more successful you’ll be by age 60.”

Dr. Meyers could only theorize as to the ‘why’ of the connection.  “I’m not sure as the to primary link,” he said.  “But it probably has something to do with drive, determination, and an intense fear of humiliation and hazing from insensitive hop-heads.”

Among the tentative conclusions reached in the TITS study is a controversial call for a mandatory hopscotch exam for admission to elementary school.

“We know it’s not going to be popular,” said Meyers.  “But you have to ask yourself–is it really worth a teacher taking extra class time to help a kid color between the lines when they can’t even hop between them?”

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