Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Gay rally snafu proves eye-opening for Wichita couple

Friday, November 13th, 2009
In a scheduling mix-up that is being described by some as divine irony, Wichita couple Thomas and Thelma Bagger, who had traveled to our nation’s capitol for Saturday’s Tea Party rally, instead found themselves in the center of the National Equality March for gay and lesbian rights which took place a day later.

The confusion was apparently caused when Mrs. Bagger received an e-mail from her sister that contained the incorrect date for the Tea Party rally. Unfortunately Thelma, who only turns on her computer once a week for fear of allowing in the Devil, missed the follow-up e-mail which corrected the mistake.

The Baggers joined the protest at the intersection of 15th and K Street and were immediately impressed by both the turnout and the spirited, and colorful, marchers. The couple was thrilled when young men sprinkled them with what they called “fairy dust,” and they delighted in the many religiously themed signs in the crowd, but their initial approval soon turned to confusion. Though they could find nothing technically wrong with slogans such as “Jesus had Two Daddies,” the blatantly false “God Loves Fags” left them scratching their heads.

The full horror of their situation, however, did not become apparent until Rosie O’Donnell introduced herself to Thelma, and Thomas realized that she wanted to have “unnatural relations” with his wife: “I could tell she wasn’t gonna take no for an answer, so I told Thelma it was ok. God don’t call it a sin if you go gay in self-defense.”

When asked how he failed to notice what was going on around him until the march was well under way, Mr. Bagger admitted that he had noticed some “mighty odd things,” but he believed his ignorance was the result of a deeply held faith in human decency: “I thought I was surrounded by straight, God-fearing, Obama hating capitalists, so I said to myself ‘who am I to judge?’”

Metal Sunday: Plutonium

Sunday, May 3rd, 2009

Band name: Plutonium (Pu)

Genre: Progressive sludge metal

Themes: Engineering isotopes, UN inspections, and the annihilation of humanity

Lyrics: “bring me my wine/the dawn of my rebirth/sleep/forget/when the cup is empty/I drink from nothingness/forever/transcend through time”

Image: Southern and Old Country-refined class, plus goggles

Tag line:  “Pu-666, the heaviest of metals”

Hammer Arrested for Hurting ‘Em

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

Stanley Burrell a.k.a. MC Hammer was arrested yesterday for assaulting Liam Addams, a high school senior, at a local mall in Oakland, California.  Police reports state that the boy was ‘paying homage’ to the rapper at O-Town Fashion Place’s yearly talent show when Hammer suddenly became irate, struck Addams repeatedly with his gold chain, and left the young man in a coma.

“Before he jumped on stage, Hammer proclaimed, ‘No one wears Hammer Pants but Hammer’ then finally he jumped on stage,” said witness, James S. Krise. “We tried to pull him off but he kept screaming ‘you can’t touch this.’ All I can we can do is pray for the boy to be okay.” After posting bail, Hammer stated in his press release that it was “Hammertime to stop the young man from parodying his act” and that he was “too legit to quit once it started.” He showed some remorse stating that he would “send some pumps for the bumps” to Mr. Addams.  The Addams family plans to file charges and has stated “we do what we want to do.”

George Carlin’s biographer unearths comic’s double life as musician

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Nine months after the death of George Carlin, biographer Al Sleet has unveiled a startling discovery:  when not performing his act, Carlin drummed for the ’70s progressive rock band Gentle Giant.  “I was looking through his financial records when I came across some paychecks from Vertigo and Columbia Records,” said Sleet.  “It turns out that from 1972 to 1980 he drummed under the name John ‘Pugwash’ Weathers.”  During this stint he recorded such classic albums as Octopus, In a Glass House, and The Power and the Glory.

“As his comedy act took off, Carlin has less and less time for the band,” said Sleet, who discovered several lost journals of reflections about the band.  “His writing on the subject is in British English, so it took some time to decipher the texts, but he clearly talks about the conflicts between his two careers.”  This eventually lead to the band’s downfall.  Carlin’s preoccupation with the Federal Communications Commission v. Pacifica Foundation case and its relation to his “Seven Dirty Words” skit lead to a watered down Gentle Giant album in 1978.  Fans and critics largely concur Giant for a Day foreshadowed the demise of the band.

“In the end, George Carlin was a magnificent entertainer who happened to be a hell of good drummer,” said Sleet.  “I never would have guessed the comic so well know for his plain black garb would wear such silly costumes though.”

(Above:  George Carlin behind the skins on Gentle Giant’s “Proclamation”)

Squid strike enters second week, newspaper industry issues ultimatum

Monday, March 30th, 2009

The giant squid protest against the newspaper industry entered its second week yesterday.  “Ultimately, we’re hopeful there will be a timely resolution that’s beneficial to all parties involved, but we can’t keep waiting” said Rupert Murdoch, owner of The Wall Street Journal, one of the papers affected by the strike.  “If they don’t get back to work by the end of the week, we’ll be forced to take drastic actions.”

Giant squids, whom produce 80 percent of the ink used to print papers, have been lobbying for better hours and a more comprehensive dental plan.  “Grghghgh ghghg ghghrrr,” said Grrrghr, the representative of the Architeuthis dux genus.

The heads of the five newspaper families will meet later this week in New York to discuss what to do about the protest.  “It’s a sticky situation,” said Murdoch.  “The newspaper industry is a sinking ship that can’t afford to provide life vests to every pissant employee.”  While he denied any knowledge of their presence, an inside source informed Stampworthy that Japanese fishing boats with the FOX logo have amassed along all major world coasts.  Murdoch did comment however, “giant squid sushi would fetch a pretty hefty price on the underground seafood market.”

Nintendo announces religous-themed “Wii Pray”

Monday, March 9th, 2009

Video game mogul Nintendo unveiled it’s first game marketed directly to the religious community:  Wii Pray.  “It’s time we recognize the needs of gamers sensitive to silly superstitions,” said C.E.O. Kawabata Shinkuma.  Wii pray, which utilizes the Wii Fit components, measures players’ posture, composure, and devotion during prayer.  The packaging also includes extra Nun-Chucks (TM) for dual game play.

“We’ve been dogmatic about unity here at Nintendo,” said Shinkuma.  “This is a game for Christians, Muslims, Jews, or whatever other mumbo jumbo you believe in.”  Wii Pray comes just one week after  the release of Wisdom Tree’s Sims’ Lord–a fact the Nintendo C.E.O. couldn’t evade.  “Look, our idea was immaculately conceived in the boulder covered caves of Nintendo,” asserted Shinkuma.  “Accept no false idols:  Wii Pray is your video game savior.”

(Tibet:  a pair of young monks solemnly reflect on the emptiness of being as onlookers gawk at their quintuple digit scores.)

Nintendo’s stock has been hit heavily by the Global Finanical Crisis, but Shinkuma has faith that Wii Pray will resurrect his company to their former prestige.  “I just pray it catches on,” he said.

Sims’ Lord to bless Christian gamers

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

Tucson, Arizona based video game company Wisdom Tree is set to release “Sims’ Lord,” a bible themed video game in the vein of the popular Sims and Spore series.   “Jesus is back and in a big way” says C.E.O. Christian Smith.  “Most simulation games leave out the most important character:  The Big Guy, the Head Cheese, the Head Honcho, you know, God.”

Sims’ Lord allows gamers to play the role of Jesus Christ and influence the progress of history in order to subtly manipulate video game designers.  “It’s important that people see that God is pulling the strings,” says Smith.  “Every one of those sim-ulation games is the result of God’s plan–that’s what this game teaches you.”

In related news Maxis, the creators of The Sims and others, is suing over copyright infringement.

Metal Sunday: Lama Decapitation

Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

Band name: Lama Decapitation
Genre:  death metal
Themes:  exile, slaughtering the Chinese, drinking lama’s blood
Lyrics: “I will be the last; lama’s blood is spilled; annihilate the rest; prophecy fulfilled”
Image: black robes, spikes, pentagram tattoos
Tag line:  “Tibetan Constitutional Monarchy”

Pope Benedict XVI okays smoking

Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

Pope Benedict XVI announced today that smoking is “okay in God’s book.”  The surprise proclamation garnered support as well as admonishment around the world.  “We can no longer afford to waste our breath on Hail Marys resulting from the psuedo-sin of smoking,” said the Pope.

His Holiness went on to relate a vision came to him in which God revealed the clouds in heaven are actually accumulated second hand smoke.  “Without smokers, there would be no heaven,” the Pope said.  “What’s more–I’m going to level with you–the smoke that came up when they chose me, that was from my pack of Marlboro Reds.”

“I for one feel relieved,” said the Bishop Leonard Brenen.  “I’ve been a closet smoker all of my life.  I used to force alter boys to sneak me cartons of smokes.”

“It’s time we recognize smokers’ contributions to Catholicism,” said the Pope to a crowd of cheering and coughing supporters.  He is expected to reveal a sweeping plan for clergy smoke breaks during sermons and confessionals later this week.

Pope Cancels U.S. Visit After Staining Dress at Outback Steakhouse (TM)

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008


Pope Benedict XVI cut his U.S. visit short after a mere eight hours in the country. The Pope stained his dress during a dinner with President George Bush at an Outback Steakhouse (TM). “Lord knows I should have brought more than one,” he told the media via satellite telephone from his personal jet.

The restaurant chain would not disclose what the Pope was eating at the time of the incident, but Stampworthy sources inside the clergy disclosed the stain was from an order of baby back ribs. “He usually eats them in the bathtub,” said the source.

The Pope plans to return to the U.S. soon, this time with a larger wardrobe. “Next time I’ll bring some red ones–like that Llama guy,” he said.

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