Dictated by Jim the Refiner to Zombie
This is a special time for all Americans. A time to stop and reflect, a time, amidst all the turbulence and strife, to appreciate how good we actually have it. And I, for one, am thankful that you’ve finally clammed the fuck up.
It’s a fucking holiday, okay? So I’ve had a few drinks. When else am I supposed to have a few drinks? Before work? Is that what you want, you petulant cunt? I’ll tell you what I’m thankful for, I’m thankful that you’ve stopped pointing out that I’ve had a few drinks. Because all that does is harsh the nice buzz I’ve worked so hard to get. And guess what I have to do to fix it? That’s right, have a few more drinks.
Goddam, I’m thankful you’re turning away, so I don’t have to look at your whiny face again.
You know what else I’m thankful for? This fucking undercooked turkey, which I’m sure will give me dysentery. Because I will get sick and die a painful fucking death. And then I won’t have to deal with you and your bullshit all the time.
Do I believe in god? Is there a reason I would believe in god today? Is this day any different than any other day? No. So don’t waste everyone’s time trying to say grace, “for a change”. Goddamit, Martha.
Oh right, I’m supposed to be giving thanks. Thanks for reminding me, you greasy twat. Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much. I’m so thankful I lived through the goddam shit, lying in muck, bullets flying over my head, watching my best friend Tom get his fucking head blown into a smoky, blood-spewing crater right beside me, mosquitos the size of beagles sucking the blood out of my dick, just so you can complain that I didn’t try your goddam canned green beans hard enough!