Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

We Need More Bailouts

Sunday, April 5th, 2009

If there is anything that can be said about the bailouts, everyone can agree…that there haven’t been enough. The government should be printing enough money to give everyone 1 million USD. What’s the harm in that? These politicians need to stop thinking like we’re going to run out of ink. PRINT. PRINT. PRINT.

We as a nation are not taking advantage of our greatest asset:  the ability to print money.

Our investors are not happy…We have been running in the red for the past three quarters. I’m afraid that if we don’t receive a bailout, we may have to fire all of our CEOs and halt the bonuses given to our board of directors. That would be unacceptable.  Isn’t this America: the Land of the Free Money?

WE ARE TOO BIG TO FAIL! Too big! You hear that!?

I’m so fired up, I think I’m going to go take a cruise in my yacht.

HELP!

P.S. Send monies.

To the Stampworthy Masses: We Hear You!

Thursday, January 8th, 2009

**Comments pour in daily. Sometimes all at once, which just goes to show the devotion our readers have, following our posts almost as religion. We read all of your comments, and enjoy the witty insight that you share. I figured I would post some of our favorite comments over the last year…

I like guns. I have a Howitzer out back… so this little diddy had to make the top of the list… How could our readers be so in tune with my interests? Magic? Black Magic? or perhaps…. Black powder pistol kits.

black powder pistol kits

jennings firearms inc pistols barrel belgian doubled pistol
counterclockwise, look at it 410 double barrel pistol ,
wishingbone, So 9000 beretta part pistol ,
apostle, So 1914 automatic colt pistol ,
weltschmerz, So 2006 revolver tour velvet ,
familyvolvocaceae, About grip revolver s w

best 40 caliber pistol

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Encouraged by this readers suggestion, I took out 5 loans. While the reader’s selections were less than well informed.. thanks for the tip.

Unsecured debt consolidation loans….

Countrywide home loans. Student loans. Small business loans. Fha loans. Payday loans. Bad credit loans. Personal loans. Mortgage loans. Home loans….

This short story… haiku, wait…. poem? I did find use of your link referring to the “raised pink skin patch on penis”. I thought I was the only one. Let the healing begin.

Old cock or a new one? type

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Who doesn’t like a little cow on pig action? or rooster on sheep for that matter. That link you provided was amazing!

Animal sex mating.

Sex with animal…

Animal sex movies. Animal sex pictures. Sex animal sex. Animal sex pics. Farm animal sex. Animal sex….

Thank you for your support in 2008. You’re the best!

**Links removed because spam-bots suck.
As Bob Barker always said, “Please remember to scan and disinfect your PCs.”

Editorial – I’m Thankful You’ve Shut Your Goddam Trap

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

Dictated by Jim the Refiner to Zombie

This is a special time for all Americans.  A time to stop and reflect, a time, amidst all the turbulence and strife, to appreciate how good we actually have it.  And I, for one, am thankful that you’ve finally clammed the fuck up.

It’s a fucking holiday, okay?  So I’ve had a few drinks.  When else am I supposed to have a few drinks?  Before work?  Is that what you want, you petulant cunt?  I’ll tell you what I’m thankful for, I’m thankful that you’ve stopped pointing out that I’ve had a few drinks.  Because all that does is harsh the nice buzz I’ve worked so hard to get.  And guess what I have to do to fix it?  That’s right, have a few more drinks.

Goddam, I’m thankful you’re turning away, so I don’t have to look at your whiny face again.

You know what else I’m thankful for?  This fucking undercooked turkey, which I’m sure will give me dysentery.  Because I will get sick and die a painful fucking death.  And then I won’t have to deal with you and your bullshit all the time.

Do I believe in god?  Is there a reason I would believe in god today?  Is this day any different than any other day?  No.  So don’t waste everyone’s time trying to say grace, “for a change”.  Goddamit, Martha.

Oh right, I’m supposed to be giving thanks.  Thanks for reminding me, you greasy twat.  Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much.  I’m so thankful I lived through the goddam shit, lying in muck, bullets flying over my head, watching my best friend Tom get his fucking head blown into a smoky, blood-spewing crater right beside me, mosquitos the size of beagles sucking the blood out of my dick, just so you can complain that I didn’t try your goddam canned green beans hard enough!

Thank YOU!!!

Seriously?

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Sounds familiar… but I can’t quite place it…
Hitlers Happy Little Boyscouts

I could have sworn you were going to cut military spending? Nothing like doubling it I guess…

I think the first thing we need is a new salute for this new army. Perhaps they can even seek out terrorists within the motherland… I mean homeland.

I doubt Obama and his puppeteers would allow things to get as flashy as the Nazis did… but, we will be watching.

I’m cool with it as long as I get one of those neat armbands and a gun… but I will settle for a baton, one of the retractable ones.

Why Wood They Do That!?

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008


Todays homework assignment:

  1. Drive to [insert hardware/lumber store].
  2. Take a stroll to the lumber section.
  3. Find a person wearing a logo emblazoned apron.
  4. Tell them Jay sent you (they will know).
  5. Tell them this “Your 2x4s are labeled incorrectly”.
  6. Reference 1A.
  7. visit Stampworthy.com and post a comment on this topic, giving their explanation.

I search for a reason as to how this miss-advertising will help a customer. I don’t care if it is common industry practice. It wasn’t the case in the past… a 2×4 was 2 inches by 4 inches. I don’t care if the boards have a smoother finish so it loses 1/2″ per dimension.

Just advertise what it is.
Class Dismissed. HOOOO!!!!

fig. 1A
Advertised
2″ x 4″ (The thing Hacksaw Jim Duggan carried around)

Actual Size
1 1/2″ x 3 1/2″

Happy VD Day

Thursday, February 14th, 2008

So this has a little more history than Sweetest Day, or Kwanzaa and Jumanji for that matter.

The fact remains that the day was reintroduced just to sell a little bit more lace and bears holding hearts, where after the 14th, the heart is completely awkward looking, and you decide to rip it off.

Just how many times do you need to wrap a piece chocolate? It wont get the rat feces out.

How do you show someone you love them? Throw money at them. “Wait!”, you say, “that isn’t romantic at all.” Oh okay well, convert that money into chocolate and expendable presents. One has to remember that the more cash you throw at gifts, the more you love someone.

Women like dead flowers. Since when did giving someone something dead become a kissable occasion. Try it with anything: rat, tree, baby, Doesn’t work. get her some flowers, so you can say look how beautiful these were. I don’t think there is any better way to symbolize a doomed relationship than wilting and dying flowers. Buy a pack of seeds! They will at least grow and blossom into something bigger.

If you want to really show someone you love them, buy them a rock. One that has every feature of humanity. It has to reflect the environment around it, be incredibly dense, and you have to see right through it. Buy them a rock that has no real physical value, besides the perceived. If your lucky, you may get your mitts on a diamond that had more than a few hands chopped off because of it.

Better yet… give her a severed orphan’s paw. Thats how you say I love you.

There was something I was supposed to remember to do to help me remember something else. Or something like that.

Friday, February 8th, 2008

I was supposed to remember something. I was having trouble remembering it, so I thought of something to help me remember what it was. I thought to myself, “self, you’re going to remember to do this, that way you’ll be able to remember that other thing you were supposed to remember.” Okay, that’s a start.But wait–I remembered that I wanted to remember it, so maybe I don’t need to do it anymore. Maybe I remembered to do it earlier, but forgot that I did it, and am now remembering to do it, again. I don’t remember.

I think it had something to do with Federal Deficit.

No, that’s not it. I’m barely involved with the government anymore, I think. Actually, I’m not too sure. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing something? That’s right, I was trying to remember if I had remembered to do something that was supposed to help me remember something.

Should I try to remember what that something was or should I try to remember the thing that was supposed to help me remember in the first place? This isn’t an easy choice. If I remember the thing I was supposed to do to help me remember the other things, there’s no guarantee that doing it will help me remember the original thing in question; remembering the thing to do to help me remember is an intermediate step that prolongs the whole process. I could try to remember the original thing I was supposed to remember; However, I made a point of remembering that there was something I needed to do to help me remember it.

Forgot it. I can’t take it anymore. Thoughts all for now.

What’s wrong with our Web site?

Thursday, February 7th, 2008

Are you sick of your Web site? Does that snazzy, clean Web 2.0 design (for which you paid top dollar) get you down? The Stampworthy staff can help. Just look at our site, it’s unpredictable. And fresh. We wrap so many themes into one!

Our favorite movie happens to be Forrest Gump, and we pride ourselves in that with all our web designs: “You never know what you’re gonna get.” Much like a very cheap box of chocolates. Not only that, but it is our dream to host a web site that has certain diseases and/or disorders. Because we believe the internet should resemble the real world, not la la land where everybody’s perfect.

Could you tell what disease Stampworthy has been diagnosed with? If you guessed turrets, you are correct! Have a chocolate, but choose carefully. Now get going and tell us how we can screw with design your Web site today. Or, better yet, go back and tell us yesterday.

Andrew Dice Clay

Tuesday, February 5th, 2008

He’s not funny.

Why not?

Monday, February 4th, 2008

Why do people feel the need to ask rhetorical questions?

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