Archive for the ‘War on Terror’ Category

Big Man v. Big Government

Monday, August 17th, 2009

Lawyers gave their opening arguments in the much publicized case of Arbuckle v. United States early Monday morning.

R.C. Arbuckle, 38, has charged the government with accessory to weight gain in the first degree.  This is the first time the charge has been raised in a U.S. court.

“We all know the camera adds ten pounds,” Sue Grauman, Esq., attorney for Arbuckle, told the packed courtroom.  “My client has been under constant surveillance and gained weight in ten pound intervals throughout the interim,” she said.  “It’s time the U.S. owns up to its role in Mr. Arbuckel’s weight gain.”

The defense argued Mr. Arbuckle is a known Happy Meal and Hot Pocket enthusiast and is responsible for his own increase in mass.  “These allegations are ridiculous,” said Virginia Volstead, J.D., attorney for the State.  “The government would no sooner influence Mr. Arbuckle’s eating habits as we would his drinking habits, or his big brother’s,” she said.

The trial will resume tomorrow morning with the calling of plantiff’s first witness, Orson Welles.

You Heard It Here Second: Rock band uncovers gnomes’ secret plot to drown Earth in molten pigment

Monday, May 25th, 2009

Massachusetts’ doom trio Black Pyramid have uncovered startling footage of a secret, subterranean terrorist plot.  The evidence is posted below.  Homeland Security should fund their next album.

U.S. ditches “combatants,” adopts “birthday boys”

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

The Obama administration announced Friday that terror suspects will no longer be referred to as “combatants” and instead will be called “birthday boys.” The controversial term “combatants” came into common parlance during the Bush Jr. administration and was often used to describe detainees at Guantánamo Bay in Cuba.  The new term “birthday boys” alludes to a kinder, gentler treatment of said detainees.

“This term marks the start of a new era,” said President Barrack Obama.   “From now on the world community must recognize, we treat our illegal detainees better than anyone else.”  President Obama went on to outline new guidelines, under which all “birthday boys” will be treated to cake and party favors, as if it were their birthdays.

The ACLU responded immediately to the annuncedment with a harshly worded letter.  “We’re outraged by this whitewashing,” said ACLU chairman Bill Stressman.  “Everyone knows that not all detainees are men.”

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