Times Square was flooded with protesters today demanding free trade cocaine.  “We’re tired of the harmful trade conditions [sniffle] surrounding the coke trade,” says Martha Smith, head of the White Knights, a cocaine advocacy group.  “It’s time the government [sniffle] does something about it.”

During the protest, the White Knights collected signatures for a petition that calls on the government to create an independent group to regulate the drug trade.  “We already do it for [sniffle] our vegetables, why not for our drugs?” says Smith.  The new law would make it a federal crime to label cocaine as fair trade without undergoing proper government inspection.

“We have to walk a fine line with this,” said White House press agent Danny Smith.  “The U.S. government takes the coke trade very seriously, but we can’t just change [sniffle] old systems willy nilly.”

As the inauguration of President Obama’s draws closer, officials in The District of Columbia are wondering what to do about the shortage of change caused by the homeless population.   “The people of this city have been generous to our domicilitically challenged” says D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty.  According to a 2008 poll conducted by the ACME Polling Institue, D.C.’s homeless are 60 percent more affluent than homeless in cities of similar size and income.  “This has serious consequences, namely, no one has any change for the bus,” says Fenty.  “Something must be done.”

Fenty’s appeals have been answered by new Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner.  “Normally problems like this are best handled at the local level,” says Geithner, “but foot traffic congestion at the inauguration is a major concern–we knew we had to do something.”  That something is the minting of a new $1.35 coin bearing the portrait of president Obama.  “We’re going to hand them out to ever denizen of the city to make sure everyone has change for the bus,” says Geithner.  “The coins will only have value for one day, so as not to affect inflation.  My aides tell me you still must report them on your income taxes.”  He pauses before adding, “I’m sure as hell going to.”

As for the homeless in D.C., Mayor Fenty has bigger plans.  “We’re going to round up and melt down all of the homeless,” says Fenty.  “They’re rich in silver, copper, alcohol, and cardboard–it’s time we harvest natural resources at home.  Who knows?  They could be the source of a new bio-fuel.”

The country of Turkey has been pardoned by President Bush.  The surprise announcement capped The President’s unprecedented week of deregulation and pardons.  “Turkey, we forgive you,” Bush said. “Them Armenians may still be mad, but we here in America just want you to know that the past…well, it’s over, it’s the past.”

Aids close to President Bush revealed that the move is part of a broad, last minute foreign policy tweak.  “The President also has plans to patch things up with the Indians and clear things up with his controversial friends in Chad,” said one aid.

Sounds familiar… but I can’t quite place it…

I could have sworn you were going to cut military spending? Nothing like doubling it I guess…

I think the first thing we need is a new salute for this new army. Perhaps they can even seek out terrorists within the motherland… I mean homeland.

I doubt Obama and his puppeteers would allow things to get as flashy as the Nazis did… but, we will be watching.

I’m cool with it as long as I get one of those neat armbands and a gun… but I will settle for a baton, one of the retractable ones.

Democrat and self-described liberal Tom McStomPhon found himself in an ethical dilemma Wednesday morning, when, in effort to “get his money’s worth” from an early-morning erection, couldn’t decide whether to fantasize about Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin or Sen. Hillary Clinton.

“Don’t you want it, you stupid, right wing airhead?” moaned Tom, as he gently caressed the tender head of his engorged member. “That’s right, scream for me! Scream, ‘Africa is a continent’. Yeah… oh, where did you come from, Lady Senator? You want me to lie down here?”

“This is clearly an imbalance between the need to dominate and the recent catharsis of the election,” said Prof. Bounce, Head of the Sexuality and Lotion Department at the University of Phoenix. “During the Clinton years, liberals like Tom preferred submissive fantasies, often finding themselves as Bill Clinton, caught cheating with Monica Lewinsky. Then Hillary comes in, and probably either ties the guy up, or uses him as a urinal, or something like that.”

“But during the Bush years, liberals turned to aggressive domination fantasies, flailing Condi Rice for treading on the Constitution, or anally training Laura Bush in the bathroom of a Baptist Day Care,” Prof. Bounce concluded, “…for my money, there’s nothing better than Janet Reno forcing me into a schoolgirl outfit.”

Eventually, Rev. McStomPhon was forced to abandon his conflicted political sex fantasies. “I was too conflicted, too confused. I eventually went with this girl who rejected me in middle school who now has three kids by two fathers. We do it in the back of my Toyota, and she keeps commenting on how roomy it is.”

Santa Claus has retired.  A life long republican, Christkind says he was deeply hurt by the results of the November election and announced this week that he’s hanging up his sack for good.  “If Senator McCain is too old to be president, I guess I’m too old to give out gifts,” he told a press conference earlier today.

“This is a sad time for America and the world, but it’s also an opportunity,” said President Elect Barrack Obama.  “I know there’s a lot of healing that needs occur, and we’re all going to have to do our part.”  The president went on to reveal a new plan that combines his celebrated cult of personality with his energy plan and foreign policies.

“This year, I will travel all around the world on Christmas Eve and deliver presents to all of the little good little Republicans and Democrats, regardless of race, religion, disability, gender or sexual orientation,” said the president.  “America will lead by example: I will go house to house, across expanses of oceans and through the desert, all on foot.  It’s time we end our dependence on foreign reindeer.”

President Obama faces several challenges, not least of which is the estimated 6,200 visits per second required to visit every household on Earth in one day.  “A lot of people say it can’t be done, but they also said that about my bid for the Presidency,” responded the president.  “We’ll show them a holiday figure they can believe in.”

History was made November 7^th, when, after 400 years of oppression, Barack Obama became the first black man in the history of the United States.

“The magnitude of this achievement cannot be understated” said Prof. Groovachussets, an expert in Cryptoanthropology at the University of Phoenix. “Sure, there have been reports of black men in other countries. There was this one guy in Ethiopia. Hale something. Hale Salami. Damn it, that’s not it! It sounds like that, but that’s not it. Wait, why are you writing that down? Stop writing that! You’re not going to stop, are you? Dude, I totally fucked your mom.”

For years, scattered sightings of black men were reported throughout the country, predominantly in the south. “Oh man, it was terrifying!” said vintner Cletus Aretus. “I was hunting for crawdads in the crick by the bayou, and I saw something move out the corner of my eye. I looked up, and it was a black man. Well, I have no shame in telling you that at that sight I released my bowels, and I have also no shame in telling you that the sensation was intensely satisfying and erotic. I have some pamphlets in my shack, if you would like to learn more. It’s the last taboo, really.

But in so many cases, including Dr. Aretus’s, the black man was not really there. “Well, it turned out to be a black bear, and as he mauled my flesh and my foul, soiled clothing, I could only imagine how much worse it could have been,” he said.

While researchers are rejoicing this discovery, they are also looking forward to new challenges. “We’ve got our black man” said Prof. Groovachussets, “but what about the colossal squid? What about friendship?”

President elect Barack Obama has announced the launch of an innovative nano-tracker system that will follow the movements of Americans all over the world.  “In this historic moment we have a decision to make,” said Obama to a crowded press conference on Tuesday.  “We can rise above the partisan politics and embrace our future or we can be slaves to our private concerns,” he asserted.

The new nano-trackers, crafted in the shape of the new leader’s visage, will be injected into the bloodstream of all American citizens born after January 20, 2009.  “We want to know where you are and you want to support your new president–it’s a win-win situation,” said Obama.  The plan, endorsed by both House Democrats and Republicans, is retroactive, requiring all Americans to receive the implant on their subsequent birthday.  “This is a time of change, and we have to know who’s on board,” said Obama.

The implants, provided by Cyberdyne Systems Corporation, are programed with artificial intelligence in order to minimize interaction with vital bodily functions.  “This hybrid, mutt technology is the cutting edge of science,” said Obama.  “Only racist, religious, gun-toting nuts can reject the future.”

On the eve of the national election, President George Bush has announced a new plan to end the conflict in Darfur:  fireworks.

“I know what yer thinkin’,” said Bush in a televised press conference.  “Isn’t it too dang hot in Asia for fireworks?  Well my advisers assure me that they’ll work just fine.”  When pressed on the issue the Maverick president explained the plan further.  “Don’t you remember your history?  At the end of the American Revolutionary War there were big fireworks–that’s how they knew to stop fightin’.  Well I figure, if those people done see fireworks, they’ll know their war is over.”

The fireworks program requires additional military funding.  Experts project the costs to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $150 billion.  “It’s time we Americans tucked our chaps into our boots, tightened our hats, and did our share of helping,” said the president.  “These things ain’t free, well, unless we get them Chinese ones with all the lead.”

Given the pre-election financial crisis of ’08, investors may have found their solution to stabilize portfolios from the chaotic melee that is the NYSE.

“The Linden (L), is a digital currency just like the dollar, so it is a very easy investment vehicle for us to understand and leverage.”, stated Ecutrade… Stabillex… now Profitrust Chief Investment Officer Roger Willmore, “it gives us unprecedented stability in such a chaotic market. Its fool proof! I’d know. Just look at those numbers! It trades like paper, but is as stable as gold.”

Other viable trading mediums include: cocaine, heroin, vital organs, and refined uranium.