Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Big Man v. Big Government

Monday, August 17th, 2009

Lawyers gave their opening arguments in the much publicized case of Arbuckle v. United States early Monday morning.

R.C. Arbuckle, 38, has charged the government with accessory to weight gain in the first degree.  This is the first time the charge has been raised in a U.S. court.

“We all know the camera adds ten pounds,” Sue Grauman, Esq., attorney for Arbuckle, told the packed courtroom.  “My client has been under constant surveillance and gained weight in ten pound intervals throughout the interim,” she said.  “It’s time the U.S. owns up to its role in Mr. Arbuckel’s weight gain.”

The defense argued Mr. Arbuckle is a known Happy Meal and Hot Pocket enthusiast and is responsible for his own increase in mass.  “These allegations are ridiculous,” said Virginia Volstead, J.D., attorney for the State.  “The government would no sooner influence Mr. Arbuckle’s eating habits as we would his drinking habits, or his big brother’s,” she said.

The trial will resume tomorrow morning with the calling of plantiff’s first witness, Orson Welles.

City council says ‘c’ you later

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

The city of Hartford, Connecticut has announced the removal of the letter “c” from the alphabet.  The City Council voted unanimously on Thursday night to eliminate the letter as a cost-saving measure.  The new policy is already being implemented in government documents and public signage, all of which are void of the once ubiquitous character.

“Yes, we’re having a budget ‘risis,” said councilwoman ‘athy ‘rane.  “We need to pi’k low hanging fruit in order to ‘ontinue operations.”

“The ‘ity ‘ouncil doesn’t have enough money to just give out letters willy-nilly” added treasurer ‘ristopher ‘opland.

“The board has already adjusted the spelling and pronun’iation of our names in ‘on’ordan’e with this initiative,” said ‘rane.  “I ‘an only hope the people of Hartford, ‘onne’ti’ut follow our example.  We’re in this ‘risis together.”

“‘hanges in ‘lassroom ‘urri’ulum will begin at the ‘lose of the week,” said ‘rane.  “Re-edu’ation is needed to ensure these ‘hanges are applied to all aspe’ts of so’iety.”

When questioned about the possibility of replacing ‘c’s with ‘k’s and ‘s’s, ‘opland was incredulous.

“Do you know how much spa’e a “k” takes up?!” said ‘opland.  “That ‘ould only make the problem worse–’an’t you see that?  ‘ome on people!”

You Heard It Here Second: Rock band uncovers gnomes’ secret plot to drown Earth in molten pigment

Monday, May 25th, 2009

Massachusetts’ doom trio Black Pyramid have uncovered startling footage of a secret, subterranean terrorist plot.  The evidence is posted below.  Homeland Security should fund their next album.

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Welcome to the fifth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Pot, weed, grass, smoke, Acapulco gold, cannabis, reefer, Texas tea, ganja, stash, Mary Jane, herb, wacky tebacky, AK-47, Bubble Gum, dope, Vitamin M, bud, blunt, Sam, home-grown, Black Bart, The chronic, take five, broccoli, spliff, sack, green, hemp, nature hike, immigration papers, toke, nature’s babysitter, Maui wowie, sweet leaf, the plant, Jamaican sight seeing tour, chef’s salad, joint, Jolly Green Giant, the vegetarian option, Jame’s joys, break time, Bob Marley’s lawn clippings, breakfast of champions, and space grass–it goes by many names.

Whatever you call it, it’s the solution to our economic woes.

The legalization of marijuana creates a new market to house executives, financiers, and stoke venture capitalists.  The mass farming, harvesting, and packaging of the product requires the mobilization of America’s unemployed masses, who are already deeply involved in the trade of said product.  The decriminalization aspect frees up space in our over-crowded jails, while freed prisoners are primed for the automotive industry, which will transport the crop.  Also, extreme greenies will stop crying and get jobs.  Drug smugglers will have lower carbon footprints and proctologist bills.

As a matter of national security, it ends our dependence on foreign plants.  America has a rich culture of horticulturalists, ranging all the way back to George-King of the United States-Washington.   Some scientists theorize massive fields of marijuana would help increase greenhouse gases, thus solving our climate woes as well.  America will reemerge as a agricultural giant, a massive exporter of plants and hemp necklaces. Best of all, this move saves the government from bailing out Funyons and Cheetos, whose sales are expected to increase by 1,000%.

Where will we grow this crop you ask?  We at Stampworthy suggest the entire state of Montana.

We Need More Bailouts

Sunday, April 5th, 2009

If there is anything that can be said about the bailouts, everyone can agree…that there haven’t been enough. The government should be printing enough money to give everyone 1 million USD. What’s the harm in that? These politicians need to stop thinking like we’re going to run out of ink. PRINT. PRINT. PRINT.

We as a nation are not taking advantage of our greatest asset:  the ability to print money.

Our investors are not happy…We have been running in the red for the past three quarters. I’m afraid that if we don’t receive a bailout, we may have to fire all of our CEOs and halt the bonuses given to our board of directors. That would be unacceptable.  Isn’t this America: the Land of the Free Money?

WE ARE TOO BIG TO FAIL! Too big! You hear that!?

I’m so fired up, I think I’m going to go take a cruise in my yacht.


P.S. Send monies.

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume IV: Eliminate Women in the Workforce

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Welcome to the fourth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Our proposed new marketing campaign

Volume IV: Eliminate Women in the Workforce

With the rise of feminism and affirmative action, women have never had it so well. Just think, ninety years ago women couldn’t even vote. It was a much different time, a better time. America had no idea where pro-women thinking would take them. Due to the massive amount of women in the workforce, quality and productivity are at an all time low in the United States.  With a severe lack of excellent product, demands for our exports are slowing at an ever increasing speed. How many times have you thought, said or heard someone say “They don’t make  them like they used to?” Us here at Stampworthy have a few ideas to make things like it was in the long, long ago.

If women are eliminated or limited to certain jobs in the workforce, productivity will go through the roof. No longer will men be distracted by the sexy secretary. No longer will it take two people to do the job of one because a women lacked the strength to do it on her own. If females are given tasks that they are historically better at (i.e. daycare, cooking, cleaning, giving birth, prostitution) then their self esteem grows. who doesn’t want to feel like they are good at their job?

Many women will be upset that they will lose their job or be downgraded to a job where they make significantly less money. We here at Stampworthy can ease their minds by letting them know that men, natural leaders, will excel in the position where they failed. This country was founded by men and for men. We have lost our way… and that way is to keep our women in check.  If they fail to comply, we’ll send them to Montana, site of a new super-prison run by men.

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume III: Rent the Presidency

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

Welcome to the third installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume III:  Rent the Presidency

Opinions are like assholes–they’re both itchy and very close to genitals.  Everyone thinks they know what’s best for the nation, and as such, the government will, for a sizable fee, allow any citizen to act as commander in chief for a day.  The legislation they pass and veto is likely to be drastic and quite absurd.  As such Congress and the Senate will spend all of their time fixing things and thus stop spending time intervening in the economy, social, and legal issues.  This is in turn will save U.S. citizen from the drastic and quite absurd actions of their government–a kind of legislative bailout.  The people will have renewed faith in the government and as such start spending and starting businesses again.

Of course their will abuses of the Presidency.  From mile-high-club parties on Air Force One to the implementation of new national holidays such as “No Pants Friday,” there will damage to America’s credibility abroad (except with France).  As such, the unemployed American masses will get new jobs as will ambassadors, PR agents, and janitors in charge of cleaning up the proverbial and literal mess created by rogue Presidents.  If there aren’t enough interested parties, we’ll implement a night with Michelle special.

U.S. ditches “combatants,” adopts “birthday boys”

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

The Obama administration announced Friday that terror suspects will no longer be referred to as “combatants” and instead will be called “birthday boys.” The controversial term “combatants” came into common parlance during the Bush Jr. administration and was often used to describe detainees at Guantánamo Bay in Cuba.  The new term “birthday boys” alludes to a kinder, gentler treatment of said detainees.

“This term marks the start of a new era,” said President Barrack Obama.   “From now on the world community must recognize, we treat our illegal detainees better than anyone else.”  President Obama went on to outline new guidelines, under which all “birthday boys” will be treated to cake and party favors, as if it were their birthdays.

The ACLU responded immediately to the annuncedment with a harshly worded letter.  “We’re outraged by this whitewashing,” said ACLU chairman Bill Stressman.  “Everyone knows that not all detainees are men.”

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume II: Outlaw all Pharmaceuticals

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Welcome to the second installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume II: Outlaw all Pharmaceuticals

The economic benefits of outlawing pharmaceuticals are wide and varied.  First, all pharmacists, drug companies, distributors, lobbyists, and salesmen will be jailed.  This action creates an abundance of new jobs for the growing unemployed population.  Moreover, the need for related professionals such as “drug dealers” and “urban pharmacists” skyrockets.  Once everyone in the pharmaceuticals game is behind bars, our already over-crowded prisons must be expanded.  This need for infrastructure results in state-funded projects for construction workers.  Moreover, these facilities require additional staff to keep track of miscreants.

The sentences for drug-related crimes will be normalized to two years without parole for all offenses.  During this time these workers are forced to work in prison factories.  The influx of license plates pushes car companies to increase production to avoid the exorbitant cost of storing unused tags.  The resulting abundance of autos reduces their price until every person in America can afford a car.  The government thus lowers the driving age to 12 to facilitate car-related commerce.  This, in turn, necessitates more driving instructors and highway patrol(wo)men.  The roads become crammed, thus more roads are built.  Young drivers pay ridiculously high insurance rates, proving a boon to insurers.  Increased traffic results in more accidents, setting off a chain reaction of ambitious body shop work and swollen courtrooms.

The net result is a wealth of jobs in multiple sectors.  All that remains to be decided is the location of the new jails.  We suggest Montana.

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume I: The Mandatory Secession of Montana

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

Welcome to the first installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume I: The Mandatory Secession of Montana

The benefits of Montana’s secession from the United States are almost as plentiful as its only natural resource:  militia men.  Firstly, we’ll stop wasting government spying on these psuedo-separatists.  The Montana Militia has already prepared a new bureaucracy, flag, and currency for their new State, so we don’t have to arrange another expensive puppet regime.   We’ll have a new trading partner in Montana, one whose needs are be immediate and thorough.  While their currency is primarily backed by bear furs, our support will foster world wide recognition of its value.  This also helps bolster the U.S. dollar.

When the deal begins to sour, the U.S. will declare war on Montana.  This domestic effort is far cheaper than our exotic campaigns.  Moreover, it brings troops closer to home.  More Americans will be put to work building a great wall around this new hostile boarder.  Once we’ve subdued the Montanans in battle, we can use it as a cheap tourist destination or penal colony.

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