Lawyers gave their opening arguments in the much publicized case of Arbuckle v. United States early Monday morning.

R.C. Arbuckle, 38, has charged the government with accessory to weight gain in the first degree.  This is the first time the charge has been raised in a U.S. court.

“We all know the camera adds ten pounds,” Sue Grauman, Esq., attorney for Arbuckle, told the packed courtroom.  “My client has been under constant surveillance and gained weight in ten pound intervals throughout the interim,” she said.  “It’s time the U.S. owns up to its role in Mr. Arbuckel’s weight gain.”

The defense argued Mr. Arbuckle is a known Happy Meal and Hot Pocket enthusiast and is responsible for his own increase in mass.  “These allegations are ridiculous,” said Virginia Volstead, J.D., attorney for the State.  “The government would no sooner influence Mr. Arbuckle’s eating habits as we would his drinking habits, or his big brother’s,” she said.

The trial will resume tomorrow morning with the calling of plantiff’s first witness, Orson Welles.

The enraged woman of science has organized a grassroots campaign to boycott the company, called “Take Back the Light.” General Electric employees have joined her effort and gone on strike.  “We’re sick of these light weights pushing us around,” said one man.  Next week the rock band AC/DC will play a benefit concert to raise money for the group.

Stampworthy attempted to contact General Electric official at their headquarters in Fairfield, Connecticut, but the doors were locked, despite the variety of illuminated bulbs inside the building.

Dr. Tulsa hopes people will begin holding their local power providers accountable for shady practices. “There may be a light on at the end of the tunnel, but you have to ask yourself if seeing is really believing,” she says.