Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

Three Days After Execution, Homeless Man Rises

Sunday, April 12th, 2009

A homeless man publicly executed on Friday has risen from the grave.  A group of shocked onlookers ran in terror as he proceeded to consume the flesh of the living.

“He seemed agitated and disoriented,” said one onlooker.  “First he ranted about a bunny laying eggs and his twelve drinking buddies, and then he became aggressive and started biting people.”

Stampworthy sent three reporters to get the scoop, all of whom mysteriously vanished.  One of their taperecorders has been recorvered, containing the word “braaaiiinnnsss” repeated for fifteen minutes.

President Bush pardons entire country of Turkey

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

The country of Turkey has been pardoned by President Bush.  The surprise announcement capped The President’s unprecedented week of deregulation and pardons.  “Turkey, we forgive you,” Bush said. “Them Armenians may still be mad, but we here in America just want you to know that the past…well, it’s over, it’s the past.”

Aids close to President Bush revealed that the move is part of a broad, last minute foreign policy tweak.  “The President also has plans to patch things up with the Indians and clear things up with his controversial friends in Chad,” said one aid.

Obama Claus

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

Santa Claus has retired.  A life long republican, Christkind says he was deeply hurt by the results of the November election and announced this week that he’s hanging up his sack for good.  “If Senator McCain is too old to be president, I guess I’m too old to give out gifts,” he told a press conference earlier today.

“This is a sad time for America and the world, but it’s also an opportunity,” said President Elect Barrack Obama.  “I know there’s a lot of healing that needs occur, and we’re all going to have to do our part.”  The president went on to reveal a new plan that combines his celebrated cult of personality with his energy plan and foreign policies.

“This year, I will travel all around the world on Christmas Eve and deliver presents to all of the little good little Republicans and Democrats, regardless of race, religion, disability, gender or sexual orientation,” said the president.  “America will lead by example: I will go house to house, across expanses of oceans and through the desert, all on foot.  It’s time we end our dependence on foreign reindeer.”

President Obama faces several challenges, not least of which is the estimated 6,200 visits per second required to visit every household on Earth in one day.  “A lot of people say it can’t be done, but they also said that about my bid for the Presidency,” responded the president.  “We’ll show them a holiday figure they can believe in.”

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