Archive for the ‘Environment’ Category

PETA opens human zoo

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have furthered their mission by once again treating one species of animals (people) very poorly.  Early patrons of the San Francisco Zoo arrived to find all of the exhibits populated by people.  “We’re very proud of this action,” said Ingrid Newkirk.  “We really think it will get people to think their relationship with animals.”

The San Francisco Zoo, prompted by angry patrons, must refund all tickets.  “I’m not sure how we’re going to pay for this and repopulation,” said a PR agent for the zoo.  “We’re probably going to have to use poachers.”

Where in the Studio is Carmen Sandiego?

Wednesday, July 9th, 2008

“We’re back, and we’ve gone green,” announced Dana Calderwood, the director of the popular educational children’s game show, “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” The announcement that the twelve-year-old series has been revamped was delivered to a press conference of shocked reporters earlier today.

“This time we’re going to do it right–we’re going to teach geography to kids along with an environmentally conscious mind set,” said Calderwood. “Carmen’s carbon footprint is completely unacceptable.”

The updated villainess sports a green coat and travels within a narrower geographical scope. “The show all about responsible travel and living within your means,” said the director. Carmen will no longer be taking private jets and boats to remote locations. Instead, she will be confined to a travel radius delineated by the battery life of a fully-charged Segway scooter.

Carmen Sandiego

PBS has revived the show on a temporary basis, but with a drastically reduced budget. “It will be a challenge to do this on a shoe-string budget, but that’s part of environmentalism,” said Calderwood. Questions will now draw exclusively from information included on Google Maps and Wikipedia.

Calderwood says there’s another pragmatic feature aspect of the show: “Anti-American sentiment has spread all over the world. Is there any reason to teach children the location of places they’ll never be able to visit?”

Rockapella could not be reached for comment.

Ant alert: the revolt has begun

Thursday, June 12th, 2008

We here at Stampworthy have done our best to keep you apprised of the greatest threat to humanity: ants. It is with a heavy heart we inform you that the ants have begun a revolt against their former arachnid masters who have long held them at bay. Lucky McHappy, our finest photographer, gave his live to bring you this image:

anty-m(urder)

If this picture is worth 10,000 words (or even 1,000 for that manner), then at least two of them would be “holy shit!” In retrospect, we should have just posted the following YouTube clip instead of sending one of our own to die an excruciatingly painful death…

The following information was obtained from classified documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, oh yeah, and we hacked into the government’s computer network:

The arachnid overlords and humans have long held a truce in which the ants have played a rather dubious role. The sexpedals were originally raised in concentration farms as a live-harvest food to be offered to the spiders until the web-spinning beings discovered they could grow their own supply without our help. This led to secret global wars between spiders and humans.

President Roosevelt’s well-known monetary ties to the spiders led to widespread fear in his cabinet that the press would band bury him the shovels of truth. In order to avoid this fate, Roosevelt fabricated World War II to distract the public from his personal dealings as well as the larger global arachnid threat. Luckily a German-defector scientist discovered a way to insert Lysine into government ants which infiltrated the spiders’ farms. And so the arachnids became dependent on Lysine ants provided by humans. A new truce was issued and peace prevailed.

Little else is known at this time, but it is widely believed that the spiders have been bio-engineering their own Lysine ants in secret. The government has long suspected this–satellite and Google Map photos reveal rudimentary facilities that could be used to develop this technology, but inspections of the facilities were delayed, avoided, then refused by the arachnids.

Stampworthy picked up an arachnid distress call and quickly dispatched a news team to investigate the disturbance. They were never heard from again. So we decided to sent Lucky to take pictures of the bodies to use as Photoshop Phriday fodder. The image and video above reveal that somehow some of these gentically engineered ants have escaped and that they are staging a revolt of global proportions. It is only a matter of time before we must contend with their ever-growing vengeance-seeking hoard.

The Bush Administration has declined to comment on the situation, although Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey offered that “If there were a massive super-army of ants, we could market American-made products directly to them–wouldn’t that be great for the economy?”

A Stampworthy source close to the president revealed that talks with the spiders are under way and that the U.S. is considering an alliance with the arachnids.

President announces green stripes to be added to U.S. flag

Sunday, May 18th, 2008

The U.S. flag is getting its first design overhaul since 1960–green stripes. President Bush announced in a press conference Sunday morning that Old Glory needs a fresh, environmentally-friendly angle.”All that red–it’s about blood. We’re not about that here in America,” said President Bush. “We need a flag the displays our continued commitment to not just the world, but the Earth. We’re going green.”

flag

The new flag will be unveiled later this week at a special White House ceremony. Old flags can be mailed to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for a free exchange.

President Bush said he came up with the idea after hearing about the plight of the polar bears. “The future is getting closer every day. We have to make a change before tomorrow becomes today,” he said. “We have to come together to solve this, all men, women, and polar bears. We’re in this together.”

The President balked at suggestions that his decision may cause controversy. “I don’t see what the big deal is. The only problem is getting a new flag up there on Mars,” he said.

Combat Global Warming, Join the Seal Club

Friday, May 16th, 2008

Join the Seal Club, and end the global warming threat.

The facts are in and much to scientists surprise, global warming is actually not caused by soccer moms driving their gas guzzling H3s to Starbucks, but by the common arctic seal. Mating, and nesting habits of harp seals have compromised the structural integrity of the polar ice caps, as well as melted the surface via a new hypothesized method called the mass body incubation effect.

“It’s like they are single handedly trying to destroy the earth. Analyzing the data we have collected, it appears that holes in the ozone layer have opened and continue to get larger since Aerosol cans were banned. We believe it may have been the only thing keeping these seals habits in check.”, Scientist Adalbert Benson told Stampworthy.

“I was wrong.”, Al Gore dejectedly announced to the press from his 20 room mansion, “Who would have thought it was those damned seals fault? I stand by the environment and am going to do the right thing. I’m flying my private jet to the arctic at once! If we’re lucky, I may land on one of those furry bastards. Now then, where is my cricket bat?”

There is opposition from local fur traders like John Richards, “All these tree hugging hippies have already been coming out here decimating our way of life. We are professionals, it’s an insult to our trade to have unskilled mobs taking a crack at our craft. Some of us have more than 20 years into this career. It is very upsetting.”

5/3rds of Stampworthy are staunch advocates of the environment… so we bring to you this special package 1 of a kind package for the young Earth defiler in your life…

Act now and do your part to save our planet!
Youth Seal Club Starter Kit includes:

  • 5 Days of guided hunting with a Veteran Seal Club Member
  • 1 Youth starter seal club
  • 1 Pair snowshoes
  • 1 Map of seal hunting grounds
  • 1 “Seal Club Explorer” patch
  • 1 Unforgettable experience!

You know… for the kids.

Testimonials
“I was a little scared at first, but when my guide told me it was just like whack-a-mole… I really had fun. Seals are slow. Thanks Dad.”
Scotty, age 8

“Seeing our two kids out there painting the arctic red with the brains of those varmints brought tears to my eyes. It’s like they were saving the world all by themselves. Ive never been more proud. Plus. It’s great exercise.”
-Mary, age 43

“I bought Seal Club packages for all my grandchildren!”
-Agatha, age 73

“Eat Me!”…Okay.

Friday, May 2nd, 2008

Ingrid Newkirk announced on the Colbert Report that she was donating her body to us carnivores at her death. To which I, Jason Kass, say, “Sign me up.”

I began thinking that this may be a marketing ploy however… Not in a shock sense… but it would turn many of the potential cannibals away from human flesh as I imagine at the time of a natural death, the meat will be stringy and rubbery. But if luck is on our side, she will succumb to death at an early age. One that will keep the meat moderately intact, like say choking on a piece of tofu, drowning, or if chance would have it: getting locked in a meat freezer.

I have been running through the opportunities in my head, and as per Steven Colbert, here are my choice meat selections:

Grind up the rest into the soup of the day.
Bone Ape Tit!

Dough Prices on the Rise

Tuesday, March 11th, 2008

I’m all for alternative fuels. But at what cost!?

As farmers start ditching their wheat and going with corn for biofuels, we will be looking at more of this. On a day to day basis, I eat more pizza, than I drink gasoline, or grain alcohol for that matter. So I for one say we start looking at some of the consequences in the shift of production from food to moonshine.

PizzshinePeople tell me there are starving children in Africa, yet we are cutting our food production so that people can refuel that new H4 tank at “cheaper” prices. While I understand it is a matter of economics in the switch, and that each farmer should pursue the route that is best for their families and wellbeing.

I will say this though… I like pizza.

You’ve been forewarned.

I don’t want to meet them

Thursday, February 28th, 2008

While we try to quell tensions in the Middle East and figure out a way to prevent rogue asteroids from obliterating the Earth, a far more ominious threat to mankind lies in wait.

Iridomyrmex purpureus, also known as meat ants, have taken over the entire continent of Australia. Once they run out of sweet sweet koala meat and spicy kangaroos, it’s only a matter of time before they sample and get a taste for human flesh.

They are a crafty bunch, eluding capture by staging surface operations from a system of underground caves and tunnels. Their power is growing–they openly flaunt their numbers in broad daylight. There are also rumors of “super-colonies” connecting multiple meat ant cells.

What’s worse, they’ve forged an alliance with caterpillars and butterflies, protecting the lepidopterans in exchange for an unknown liquid. Satellite images clearly illustrate that they are developing weapons of mass destruction.

We can only pray that the Bush Jr. administration bombs Australia before it’s too late.

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