Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

Strange but true: one in thirty finds spiders “creepy”

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science reveals one person in thirty finds large, hairy arachnids “creepy.”

“It’s as if we’re still living in the Dark Ages,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers, who further harangued the packed press conference against the sad, bigoted state of society.

The study tested participants response to being led into a 10′x10′ room full of Goliath bird-eating tarantulae and then locked in for a period of 48 hours, after which they participated in a short survey.

“Well, to be honest, they have too many legs and just plain look like they’re up to no good,” said an anonymous member of the Third Klux Panthers, a secretive, anti-arachnid group. “These spiders are taking our jobs, raping our women, and don’t respect the American flag” he said.

Although its numbers have not been verified, the group claims to include roughly one-thirtieth the population of the U.S.

Their official slogan is “Better Dead than Web.”

“As as scientist, I’m supposed to be impartial, but I have to editorialize,” said Meyers.  “These people are fucking sickos.”

Brachiosauruses suffered erectile dysfunction

Monday, June 1st, 2009

“We’re pretty sure they couldn’t get it up,” said Dr. Rodger Malmstein, resident paleontologist of The Dinosaur Museum in Blanding, Utah.  Dr. Malmstein’s research shows brachiosauruses lacked  sufficient blood flow to maintain an erection without resultant loss of blood flow to the brain.  “This solves the mystery about why so many brachiosauruses skeletons are involved in coitus,” said Dr. Malmstein.  “Many times when the male prepared to preform the deed, he passed out and crushed his partner.”

Dr. Malmstein’s has been researching the sex lives of dinosaurs for 16 years, ever since he read Michael Crichton’s seminal novel “Jurassic Park.”  “That book changed everything,” says Dr. Malmstein.  “The story and the characters were so compelling, but the thing that really got to me was the sexual tension between Ellie and the Tyrannosaurus–that transformed my career.”

Dr. Malmstein plans to release this and other findings in a new book later this year entitled “Dino-sores:  sex, STDs, and Prehistoric Animals.”

Ex-’Floyd member claims pre-knowledge of swine flu

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

32 years–that’s how long we’ve had to prepare for the swine flu, according to ex-Pink Floyd bassist Rodger Waters.  “When we put out Animals in 1977, I insisted on the flying pig avatar for concerts.  That pig was the warning,” he intimated in a press conference earlier today.  “People really seemed to enjoy the music and the pig, so I assumed the message was clear.”

Waters claims the lyrics to songs on Animals reinforce the imagery of the avian swine.  “Look at the lyrics to ‘Pigs on the Wing 1′:  If you didn’t care what happened to me/And I didn’t care for you/We would zigzag our way through the boredom and pain/occasionally glancing up through the rain/wondering which of the buggers to blame/and watching for pigs on the wing.”  He went on to hum the guitar solo.  “Have you got it, yet?  Don’t you see the meaning?” asked Waters.  “It rains in April, farmers bugger farm animals, and pigs on a wing are flying pigs–that means they flu!”  Waters went on to play his entire catalog of songs for the press conference over the course of several hours before taking more questions.

“I’m an artist and as such I’m ahead of the curve.  I know these things are going to happen,” said Waters.  “I tried to warn everyone, but apparently most people just don’t understand symbolism.”

Squid strike enters second week, newspaper industry issues ultimatum

Monday, March 30th, 2009

The giant squid protest against the newspaper industry entered its second week yesterday.  “Ultimately, we’re hopeful there will be a timely resolution that’s beneficial to all parties involved, but we can’t keep waiting” said Rupert Murdoch, owner of The Wall Street Journal, one of the papers affected by the strike.  “If they don’t get back to work by the end of the week, we’ll be forced to take drastic actions.”

Giant squids, whom produce 80 percent of the ink used to print papers, have been lobbying for better hours and a more comprehensive dental plan.  “Grghghgh ghghg ghghrrr,” said Grrrghr, the representative of the Architeuthis dux genus.

The heads of the five newspaper families will meet later this week in New York to discuss what to do about the protest.  “It’s a sticky situation,” said Murdoch.  “The newspaper industry is a sinking ship that can’t afford to provide life vests to every pissant employee.”  While he denied any knowledge of their presence, an inside source informed Stampworthy that Japanese fishing boats with the FOX logo have amassed along all major world coasts.  Murdoch did comment however, “giant squid sushi would fetch a pretty hefty price on the underground seafood market.”

PETA to clothe the undersea masses

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

Kiss Me - I'm a Sea Kitten!Norfolk Virginia’s favorite prophetical non-profit is poised to launch the largest fish-related knitting project in the history of fish-related knitting.  PETA is poised to clothe the entire sea population with kitten costumes in an effort to end fishing and seafood consumption.

“We’re going to get catty about fish,” says PETA president and co-founder Ingrid Newpicard, in an uncharacteristically punny press conference.  “Fish need to be treated with the same reference we have for kittens right meow.”  When questioned about the fate of the catfish, Newpicard chuckled and replied “What a kitty thing to ask me.”  She further intimated that “Sea Kittens was a last minute decision.  I for one wanted them to be called Sea Pussies.”

A spokeswoman for the Red Lobster chain issued a public reply to the campaign which applauds PETA’s “misguided enthusiam.”  She further intimated the bizzare project was “a little fishy” and likely related to the members’ dietary lacuna of Omega-3.

Ron Paul reignites candidacy with VP pick: killer whale

Monday, September 1st, 2008

Ron Paul shook up politics Monday by restarting his bid for the presidency.  This time he’s running the candidate for the Mammal Party, a little known political group that promotes the freedom of all mammals.  “The other candidates want to talk about change, especially those Spendocrats.  Well, I’ll tell you what, I’ll go one step further–how about a vice president with a blowhole?”

A shocked electorate has responded to Paul’s decision with a mixture of enthusiasm and reservation.  The politician went on to assure his constituents that the Orca is the best choice for America.  “She’s got a vested interest in Global Warming and is used to working with a pack of diverse individuals.”

PETA opens human zoo

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have furthered their mission by once again treating one species of animals (people) very poorly.  Early patrons of the San Francisco Zoo arrived to find all of the exhibits populated by people.  “We’re very proud of this action,” said Ingrid Newkirk.  “We really think it will get people to think their relationship with animals.”

The San Francisco Zoo, prompted by angry patrons, must refund all tickets.  “I’m not sure how we’re going to pay for this and repopulation,” said a PR agent for the zoo.  “We’re probably going to have to use poachers.”

Ant alert: the revolt has begun

Thursday, June 12th, 2008

We here at Stampworthy have done our best to keep you apprised of the greatest threat to humanity: ants. It is with a heavy heart we inform you that the ants have begun a revolt against their former arachnid masters who have long held them at bay. Lucky McHappy, our finest photographer, gave his live to bring you this image:

anty-m(urder)

If this picture is worth 10,000 words (or even 1,000 for that manner), then at least two of them would be “holy shit!” In retrospect, we should have just posted the following YouTube clip instead of sending one of our own to die an excruciatingly painful death…

The following information was obtained from classified documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, oh yeah, and we hacked into the government’s computer network:

The arachnid overlords and humans have long held a truce in which the ants have played a rather dubious role. The sexpedals were originally raised in concentration farms as a live-harvest food to be offered to the spiders until the web-spinning beings discovered they could grow their own supply without our help. This led to secret global wars between spiders and humans.

President Roosevelt’s well-known monetary ties to the spiders led to widespread fear in his cabinet that the press would band bury him the shovels of truth. In order to avoid this fate, Roosevelt fabricated World War II to distract the public from his personal dealings as well as the larger global arachnid threat. Luckily a German-defector scientist discovered a way to insert Lysine into government ants which infiltrated the spiders’ farms. And so the arachnids became dependent on Lysine ants provided by humans. A new truce was issued and peace prevailed.

Little else is known at this time, but it is widely believed that the spiders have been bio-engineering their own Lysine ants in secret. The government has long suspected this–satellite and Google Map photos reveal rudimentary facilities that could be used to develop this technology, but inspections of the facilities were delayed, avoided, then refused by the arachnids.

Stampworthy picked up an arachnid distress call and quickly dispatched a news team to investigate the disturbance. They were never heard from again. So we decided to sent Lucky to take pictures of the bodies to use as Photoshop Phriday fodder. The image and video above reveal that somehow some of these gentically engineered ants have escaped and that they are staging a revolt of global proportions. It is only a matter of time before we must contend with their ever-growing vengeance-seeking hoard.

The Bush Administration has declined to comment on the situation, although Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey offered that “If there were a massive super-army of ants, we could market American-made products directly to them–wouldn’t that be great for the economy?”

A Stampworthy source close to the president revealed that talks with the spiders are under way and that the U.S. is considering an alliance with the arachnids.

Combat Global Warming, Join the Seal Club

Friday, May 16th, 2008

Join the Seal Club, and end the global warming threat.

The facts are in and much to scientists surprise, global warming is actually not caused by soccer moms driving their gas guzzling H3s to Starbucks, but by the common arctic seal. Mating, and nesting habits of harp seals have compromised the structural integrity of the polar ice caps, as well as melted the surface via a new hypothesized method called the mass body incubation effect.

“It’s like they are single handedly trying to destroy the earth. Analyzing the data we have collected, it appears that holes in the ozone layer have opened and continue to get larger since Aerosol cans were banned. We believe it may have been the only thing keeping these seals habits in check.”, Scientist Adalbert Benson told Stampworthy.

“I was wrong.”, Al Gore dejectedly announced to the press from his 20 room mansion, “Who would have thought it was those damned seals fault? I stand by the environment and am going to do the right thing. I’m flying my private jet to the arctic at once! If we’re lucky, I may land on one of those furry bastards. Now then, where is my cricket bat?”

There is opposition from local fur traders like John Richards, “All these tree hugging hippies have already been coming out here decimating our way of life. We are professionals, it’s an insult to our trade to have unskilled mobs taking a crack at our craft. Some of us have more than 20 years into this career. It is very upsetting.”

5/3rds of Stampworthy are staunch advocates of the environment… so we bring to you this special package 1 of a kind package for the young Earth defiler in your life…

Act now and do your part to save our planet!
Youth Seal Club Starter Kit includes:

  • 5 Days of guided hunting with a Veteran Seal Club Member
  • 1 Youth starter seal club
  • 1 Pair snowshoes
  • 1 Map of seal hunting grounds
  • 1 “Seal Club Explorer” patch
  • 1 Unforgettable experience!

You know… for the kids.

Testimonials
“I was a little scared at first, but when my guide told me it was just like whack-a-mole… I really had fun. Seals are slow. Thanks Dad.”
Scotty, age 8

“Seeing our two kids out there painting the arctic red with the brains of those varmints brought tears to my eyes. It’s like they were saving the world all by themselves. Ive never been more proud. Plus. It’s great exercise.”
-Mary, age 43

“I bought Seal Club packages for all my grandchildren!”
-Agatha, age 73

“Eat Me!”…Okay.

Friday, May 2nd, 2008

Ingrid Newkirk announced on the Colbert Report that she was donating her body to us carnivores at her death. To which I, Jason Kass, say, “Sign me up.”

I began thinking that this may be a marketing ploy however… Not in a shock sense… but it would turn many of the potential cannibals away from human flesh as I imagine at the time of a natural death, the meat will be stringy and rubbery. But if luck is on our side, she will succumb to death at an early age. One that will keep the meat moderately intact, like say choking on a piece of tofu, drowning, or if chance would have it: getting locked in a meat freezer.

I have been running through the opportunities in my head, and as per Steven Colbert, here are my choice meat selections:

Grind up the rest into the soup of the day.
Bone Ape Tit!

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