Archive for the ‘Environment’ Category

Bob Marley, original gangster

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

The father of modern reggae music, Robert Nesta “Bob” Marley, is still pushing musical boundaries and inciting controversy 28 years after his death.  In a break with his promotion of Rastafarian beliefs, a newly released single entitled “You Know You’re a Nigga” reveals his support of underground gangster rap years before its inception.

“This is some crazy shit,” said Jesse Weaver of Jive Records, the label responsible for the song’s release.

Weaver and a crew of PR agents held a press conference earlier today to discuss the song.  In attendance was Rita Marley, the sole owner of her husband’s work and long-time holdout to the song’s release.

“I’m not going to lie–I listen to this song every day,” said Marley.  “I finally decided it was time the public see my husband in a new light.”

“We’re proud to be putting out this track,” said Weaver.  “It makes me look at his entire catalog with a gangsta lean,” said Weaver.

Marley went on to describe her husband as a “complex, multi-faceted man” who at one point “really did shoot a sheriff.”

“It wasn’t just peace and hugs,” she said.  “It was also his piece and thugs.”

In only one day of sales, “You Know You’re a Nigga” has topped sales charts and received nearly continuous air play.

“We’re confident this will cement Bob’s legacy as an early gangster rap crossover artist,” said Weaver.

The new single has generated controversy as well, due largely to its repeated use of the N-word.  Several major retailers have pulled the album from their shelves due to complaints and petitions from angry parents and church groups.

Weaver was incredulous when questioned about the push-back.

“How many times must a brother in America have his album pulled?  I mean, this is so hot, so hot,” he said.

“So hot, so hot,” added Marley.

Strange but true: one in thirty finds spiders “creepy”

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science reveals one person in thirty finds large, hairy arachnids “creepy.”

“It’s as if we’re still living in the Dark Ages,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers, who further harangued the packed press conference against the sad, bigoted state of society.

The study tested participants response to being led into a 10′x10′ room full of Goliath bird-eating tarantulae and then locked in for a period of 48 hours, after which they participated in a short survey.

“Well, to be honest, they have too many legs and just plain look like they’re up to no good,” said an anonymous member of the Third Klux Panthers, a secretive, anti-arachnid group. “These spiders are taking our jobs, raping our women, and don’t respect the American flag” he said.

Although its numbers have not been verified, the group claims to include roughly one-thirtieth the population of the U.S.

Their official slogan is “Better Dead than Web.”

“As as scientist, I’m supposed to be impartial, but I have to editorialize,” said Meyers.  “These people are fucking sickos.”

Brachiosauruses suffered erectile dysfunction

Monday, June 1st, 2009

“We’re pretty sure they couldn’t get it up,” said Dr. Rodger Malmstein, resident paleontologist of The Dinosaur Museum in Blanding, Utah.  Dr. Malmstein’s research shows brachiosauruses lacked  sufficient blood flow to maintain an erection without resultant loss of blood flow to the brain.  “This solves the mystery about why so many brachiosauruses skeletons are involved in coitus,” said Dr. Malmstein.  “Many times when the male prepared to preform the deed, he passed out and crushed his partner.”

Dr. Malmstein’s has been researching the sex lives of dinosaurs for 16 years, ever since he read Michael Crichton’s seminal novel “Jurassic Park.”  “That book changed everything,” says Dr. Malmstein.  “The story and the characters were so compelling, but the thing that really got to me was the sexual tension between Ellie and the Tyrannosaurus–that transformed my career.”

Dr. Malmstein plans to release this and other findings in a new book later this year entitled “Dino-sores:  sex, STDs, and Prehistoric Animals.”

Ex-’Floyd member claims pre-knowledge of swine flu

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

32 years–that’s how long we’ve had to prepare for the swine flu, according to ex-Pink Floyd bassist Rodger Waters.  “When we put out Animals in 1977, I insisted on the flying pig avatar for concerts.  That pig was the warning,” he intimated in a press conference earlier today.  “People really seemed to enjoy the music and the pig, so I assumed the message was clear.”

Waters claims the lyrics to songs on Animals reinforce the imagery of the avian swine.  “Look at the lyrics to ‘Pigs on the Wing 1′:  If you didn’t care what happened to me/And I didn’t care for you/We would zigzag our way through the boredom and pain/occasionally glancing up through the rain/wondering which of the buggers to blame/and watching for pigs on the wing.”  He went on to hum the guitar solo.  “Have you got it, yet?  Don’t you see the meaning?” asked Waters.  “It rains in April, farmers bugger farm animals, and pigs on a wing are flying pigs–that means they flu!”  Waters went on to play his entire catalog of songs for the press conference over the course of several hours before taking more questions.

“I’m an artist and as such I’m ahead of the curve.  I know these things are going to happen,” said Waters.  “I tried to warn everyone, but apparently most people just don’t understand symbolism.”

Werewolf sues NY over light pollution

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

An American werewolf in New York is taking the city to court over the effects of light pollution.  “It’s affecting my health and preventing me from leading a normal life,” said Hare E. Bach, the plaintiff who filed the suite.  Bach claims the luminescent glow of lights and buildings obscures moon light, which is vital to his well being.  “Things have gotten pretty hairy lately,” he said.  “I’ve been so depressed I haven’t taken myself for a walk in two months.”

Back claims he’s contacted the city on several occasions about the problem, but that no action has been taken.  “This law suite is frivolous,” said Singapore Hellsing, a representative of the city.  “We’ve heard hide nor hair of Bach until now and besides that, the green night sky is one of the defining characteristics of our skyline,” he said.  “There’s no single silver bullet that will solve this problem to everyone’s satisfaction.”

A judge will hear the case on the next full moon.

Squid strike enters second week, newspaper industry issues ultimatum

Monday, March 30th, 2009

The giant squid protest against the newspaper industry entered its second week yesterday.  “Ultimately, we’re hopeful there will be a timely resolution that’s beneficial to all parties involved, but we can’t keep waiting” said Rupert Murdoch, owner of The Wall Street Journal, one of the papers affected by the strike.  “If they don’t get back to work by the end of the week, we’ll be forced to take drastic actions.”

Giant squids, whom produce 80 percent of the ink used to print papers, have been lobbying for better hours and a more comprehensive dental plan.  “Grghghgh ghghg ghghrrr,” said Grrrghr, the representative of the Architeuthis dux genus.

The heads of the five newspaper families will meet later this week in New York to discuss what to do about the protest.  “It’s a sticky situation,” said Murdoch.  “The newspaper industry is a sinking ship that can’t afford to provide life vests to every pissant employee.”  While he denied any knowledge of their presence, an inside source informed Stampworthy that Japanese fishing boats with the FOX logo have amassed along all major world coasts.  Murdoch did comment however, “giant squid sushi would fetch a pretty hefty price on the underground seafood market.”

Scientist’s warning: Earth greens, is invaded

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

Dr. Philip Neigh, professor of astrophysics at Fake University has a dire warning for the citizens of Earth:  “If you green it, they will come.”  Neigh announced at a press conference today that recent advances in so-called “green” technology may renew aliens’ interest in our planet.  “They’ve been looking elsewhere,” said Neigh, “but if we keep cleaning things up, they may come back.” He further extrapolated that although the aliens’ intentions are unknown to us, they’re most likely dubious.  “I mean, they probably don’t look like us, and that means they’re bad news bears,” he said.

Neigh proposes a range of actions to mitigate the possibility of invasion.  “There are many things we can do to prevent a calamity,” he said.  “The easiest is to throw our trash onto the street instead of into trash cans.”  He further suggested driving an S.U.V. to the end of the driveway to get the paper, running faucets 24-hours a day, and making the switch to electric scissors.

(Above:  an artist’s rendition of Dr. Neigh’s “invaders from beyond the moon”)

While many critics have pointed out Neigh’s dubious credentials and the non-existence of “Fake University,” his ideas are gaining popularity.  “They call me mad, but I’m a man of science,” said Neigh, “And what’s more, I’ve got the respect and support of the American people.”  Stampworthy has uncovered records that prove the late author Michael Crichton has been funding Neigh’s research since the 1980s.  Neigh is currently gathering signature for a petition to Congress calling for the execution of all recyclers and members of Earth First.

PETA to clothe the undersea masses

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

Kiss Me - I'm a Sea Kitten!Norfolk Virginia’s favorite prophetical non-profit is poised to launch the largest fish-related knitting project in the history of fish-related knitting.  PETA is poised to clothe the entire sea population with kitten costumes in an effort to end fishing and seafood consumption.

“We’re going to get catty about fish,” says PETA president and co-founder Ingrid Newpicard, in an uncharacteristically punny press conference.  “Fish need to be treated with the same reference we have for kittens right meow.”  When questioned about the fate of the catfish, Newpicard chuckled and replied “What a kitty thing to ask me.”  She further intimated that “Sea Kittens was a last minute decision.  I for one wanted them to be called Sea Pussies.”

A spokeswoman for the Red Lobster chain issued a public reply to the campaign which applauds PETA’s “misguided enthusiam.”  She further intimated the bizzare project was “a little fishy” and likely related to the members’ dietary lacuna of Omega-3.

Protesters lobby for free trade coke

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

Times Square was flooded with protesters today demanding free trade cocaine.  “We’re tired of the harmful trade conditions [sniffle] surrounding the coke trade,” says Martha Smith, head of the White Knights, a cocaine advocacy group.  “It’s time the government [sniffle] does something about it.”

During the protest, the White Knights collected signatures for a petition that calls on the government to create an independent group to regulate the drug trade.  “We already do it for [sniffle] our vegetables, why not for our drugs?” says Smith.  The new law would make it a federal crime to label cocaine as fair trade without undergoing proper government inspection.

“We have to walk a fine line with this,” said White House press agent Danny Smith.  “The U.S. government takes the coke trade very seriously, but we can’t just change [sniffle] old systems willy nilly.”

Ron Paul reignites candidacy with VP pick: killer whale

Monday, September 1st, 2008

Ron Paul shook up politics Monday by restarting his bid for the presidency.  This time he’s running the candidate for the Mammal Party, a little known political group that promotes the freedom of all mammals.  “The other candidates want to talk about change, especially those Spendocrats.  Well, I’ll tell you what, I’ll go one step further–how about a vice president with a blowhole?”

A shocked electorate has responded to Paul’s decision with a mixture of enthusiasm and reservation.  The politician went on to assure his constituents that the Orca is the best choice for America.  “She’s got a vested interest in Global Warming and is used to working with a pack of diverse individuals.”

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