“I don’t know if I can make it much longer,” said Bartholomew Gustafson, a longtime South Park fan. The 13 season animated show has been dormant for two weeks follow its mid-season break.
“I haven’t laughed for fourteen days and have had nothing to talk about at the water cooler at work,” said Gustafson. The 28 year old virgin accountant, says the show meant the world to him, and likened its absence to multiple deaths in the family. “I’m so depressed. I see Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny’s faces everywhere I go, I just…I just…miss them so much,” said Gustafson between bouts of crying.
Gustafson faces four years in prison for disturbing a private graveyard, a charge he claims is related to the cartoon. “I buried my South Park dolls in the old Indian burial ground–I thought it’d work, like on the show,” he said. Gustafson was incredulous when presented with a copy of the book “Pet Cemetery” by Stephen King. “No way, this King guy ripped them off!” He now faces 20 years in prison for beating a Stampworthy reporter to death with the novel.
New episodes of South Park resume this fall.