Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Old adage confirmed: “hopscotch ability linked to success”

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science affirms the long-held theory that a child’s hopscotch ability indicates their likelihood of achievement later in life.

“This will revolutionize our approach to education,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers.

The century long study on which the paper is based is comprised of data gathered at elementary schools across the U.S.

“It’s taken us a long time to assemble this information, but the results are crystal clear,” said Meyers.  “The better you are at hopscotch at age 6, the more successful you’ll be by age 60.”

Dr. Meyers could only theorize as to the ‘why’ of the connection.  “I’m not sure as the to primary link,” he said.  “But it probably has something to do with drive, determination, and an intense fear of humiliation and hazing from insensitive hop-heads.”

Among the tentative conclusions reached in the TITS study is a controversial call for a mandatory hopscotch exam for admission to elementary school.

“We know it’s not going to be popular,” said Meyers.  “But you have to ask yourself–is it really worth a teacher taking extra class time to help a kid color between the lines when they can’t even hop between them?”

Squid strike enters second week, newspaper industry issues ultimatum

Monday, March 30th, 2009

The giant squid protest against the newspaper industry entered its second week yesterday.  “Ultimately, we’re hopeful there will be a timely resolution that’s beneficial to all parties involved, but we can’t keep waiting” said Rupert Murdoch, owner of The Wall Street Journal, one of the papers affected by the strike.  “If they don’t get back to work by the end of the week, we’ll be forced to take drastic actions.”

Giant squids, whom produce 80 percent of the ink used to print papers, have been lobbying for better hours and a more comprehensive dental plan.  “Grghghgh ghghg ghghrrr,” said Grrrghr, the representative of the Architeuthis dux genus.

The heads of the five newspaper families will meet later this week in New York to discuss what to do about the protest.  “It’s a sticky situation,” said Murdoch.  “The newspaper industry is a sinking ship that can’t afford to provide life vests to every pissant employee.”  While he denied any knowledge of their presence, an inside source informed Stampworthy that Japanese fishing boats with the FOX logo have amassed along all major world coasts.  Murdoch did comment however, “giant squid sushi would fetch a pretty hefty price on the underground seafood market.”

Protesters lobby for free trade coke

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

Times Square was flooded with protesters today demanding free trade cocaine.  “We’re tired of the harmful trade conditions [sniffle] surrounding the coke trade,” says Martha Smith, head of the White Knights, a cocaine advocacy group.  “It’s time the government [sniffle] does something about it.”

During the protest, the White Knights collected signatures for a petition that calls on the government to create an independent group to regulate the drug trade.  “We already do it for [sniffle] our vegetables, why not for our drugs?” says Smith.  The new law would make it a federal crime to label cocaine as fair trade without undergoing proper government inspection.

“We have to walk a fine line with this,” said White House press agent Danny Smith.  “The U.S. government takes the coke trade very seriously, but we can’t just change [sniffle] old systems willy nilly.”

Another Former Pro Athlete Supports Another Cause

Monday, December 8th, 2008

Oft stricken with the syndrome diabetes, former Pittsburgh Steelers running back Jerome Bettis has taken on the role of the new voice for diabetes. Jerome suffers from type 1 diabetes and hopes that everyone understand the condition. “I want to carry on the role of acknowledgement just like a football. I hope to rush this more than a 1,000 yards this year. No one stops the Bus!”

The American Diabetes Association have been so delighted by the superstar’s new cause, they are lobbying for type 1 diabetes to be changed to type 36 (Jerome’s jersey number.) In a role of mutual respect to the ADA, Jerome Bettis has legally changed his name to Jerome Diabettis. “It is who I am,” states Diabettis. “I am Jerome… and I suffer from type 36 diabetes.”

Jerome has teamed up with local Pittsburgh brewery Iron City for a limited edition “bottle can” with all proceeds going directly to the ADA. “If my fans show the slightest interest as they do for shitty beer, they can show an interest in type 36 awareness.”

Detroit Flying Tires Win the Stanley Cup!

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

Too bad half of the adults within the city are functionally illiterate…

“In the state of Michigan, 18 percent of adults, nearly one in five, were functionally illiterate. Detroit had the one of the highest illiteracy rates in the country, with 47 percent of its residents, nearly one out of two, scoring at Level I in the NIL survey.”

Which means that you could etch the Flightless Birds’ names on that trophy and half the residents wouldn’t know the difference.

Congratulations Detroit!
And for the half of you that cant read…
c0magrakkalsd Terfoit?

Canyon of Slackers

Thursday, February 7th, 2008

When the Giants win, we all lose.

It appears that returning Super Bowl champions bring with them an economy striking hit. Stock brokers poured onto the streets, hoisting Eli Manning onto their shoulders. Ticker tape showered onto the crowds. Joy spread throughout the “Canyon of Heroes Parade”, all while the NYSE plummeted.

Giants crush NYSE

Now the ticker follows a vector closely mirroring Tom Brady’s sex life. It’s alright Tom, you are a handsome guy. You have a super-model girlfriend. I for one am pulling for ya’. Get back on that horse and spur our economy to new heights.

And as for you New York City… Get back to work and don’t let it happen again.

Tom Brady joins new sport, pulls out big win

Monday, February 4th, 2008

This just in from the Stampworthy newsreel, Tom Brady may not have been his best in Super Bowl XLII because he is already in rigorous training and competition in a new sport! I’m sure you were wondering, as you double fisted your red-and-blue plated beerstein labeled “19 – 0 NE Best Team in History,” and your extra-large, specialty pizza with extra ketchup late Sunday evening; “what is wrong with the golden boy??!” Well, he’s already handling bigger things. Being a champion in the NFL could not contain his needful embrace for greatness any longer, there are new, uncharted territories in other arenas. One of our undercover reporters was able to infiltrate the tournament, carefully disguised in an ostrich mascot costume. However, the flash from a digital camera alerted Brady’s faithful bodyguard crew to his presence. They beat the life out of the poor Stampworthy cast member, who shall now remain nameless. One photo, however, was recovered from the crime scene:

A stunning truth revealed!

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