Band name: Glacier

Genre:  Drone Metal

Themes:  Global warming, playing the same chord for two weeks before moving

Lyrics: “You… don’t… think… we’re… moving… but… we… are…”

Image: Make-up to resemble famed Arctic explorer Ernest Shackleton

Tag line:  “Planting seashells on your mountaintops”

Oft stricken with the syndrome diabetes, former Pittsburgh Steelers running back Jerome Bettis has taken on the role of the new voice for diabetes. Jerome suffers from type 1 diabetes and hopes that everyone understand the condition. “I want to carry on the role of acknowledgement just like a football. I hope to rush this more than a 1,000 yards this year. No one stops the Bus!”

The American Diabetes Association have been so delighted by the superstar’s new cause, they are lobbying for type 1 diabetes to be changed to type 36 (Jerome’s jersey number.) In a role of mutual respect to the ADA, Jerome Bettis has legally changed his name to Jerome Diabettis. “It is who I am,” states Diabettis. “I am Jerome… and I suffer from type 36 diabetes.”

Jerome has teamed up with local Pittsburgh brewery Iron City for a limited edition “bottle can” with all proceeds going directly to the ADA. “If my fans show the slightest interest as they do for shitty beer, they can show an interest in type 36 awareness.”

Band name: 2Pack
Genre:  rap metal
Themes: California, bitches, hos, bad sex tapes, faked deaths
Lyrics: “Throw it up, c’mon/Throw up,  yeah/Let’s show these fools how we do this in the blender/’Cause you know it’s the best in the blender”
Image: bad tattoos, backwards baseball caps
Tag line:  “Ain’t nothing but a nookie party.”

Band name: Lama Decapitation
Genre:  death metal
Themes:  exile, slaughtering the Chinese, drinking lama’s blood
Lyrics: “I will be the last; lama’s blood is spilled; annihilate the rest; prophecy fulfilled”
Image: black robes, spikes, pentagram tattoos
Tag line:  “Tibetan Constitutional Monarchy”

Band name: Starfucks
Genre:  hardcore, metalcore, thrash
Themes:  coffee, tweaking
Lyrics: “stay awake; pay attention; slaughter the slow; die before pension”
Image: Starfucks employees uniform
Tag line:  “Metal Vente”

Band name: Bambi Death
Genre:  black metal, death metal
Themes:  hunting, trapping, fishing, sports
Lyrics: “Slaughter the deer; turn the white-tail red; dress the kill in the field; let her children know she’s dead.”
Image: camouflage and corpse paint
Tag line:  “Bang-Bang”

New Feature: Metal Sunday
Every Sunday we’ll bring the latest, greatest ideas for concept bands.  Feel free to use any of these ideas in your own band, as long as you agree to give us every cent you ever earn.

Band name:  North Pole Face
Genre:  black metal
Theme:  metal at the north pole, coldness, shifting sea ice
Lyrics: “Cold, so cold; grim, so cold; ice, so cold; death, so cold.”
Image:  “Barber Pole”- a hybrid form of corpse paint
Tag line:  “Burrrrr.”

Too bad half of the adults within the city are functionally illiterate…

“In the state of Michigan, 18 percent of adults, nearly one in five, were functionally illiterate. Detroit had the one of the highest illiteracy rates in the country, with 47 percent of its residents, nearly one out of two, scoring at Level I in the NIL survey.”

Which means that you could etch the Flightless Birds’ names on that trophy and half the residents wouldn’t know the difference.

Congratulations Detroit!
And for the half of you that cant read…
c0magrakkalsd Terfoit?

The Pope’s band The Crusade flew to New York to play a sold out 4/20 music festival, Christ’s Secret Stash. “I brought extra robes this time,” said Pope Benedict XVI, the lead singer of the band, alluding to his now-infamous wardrobe malfunction. The Crusade played an hour and a half of religiously charged hip hop featuring members of Tripl3cross. The Pope said it was an honor to perform at the festival. “This is my favorite time of year, well, next to Christmas: my Cardinals always get the nicest presents,” said Pope Benedict between handfuls of Ruffles potato chips. “These things are great–do you want some?” he added.

After The Crusade performed for the packed Yankee Stadium, Christian rock powerhouse Creed took the stage. Frontman/boxer Scott Stapp high-fived the Pope, despite making derogatory comments earlier in the night. “Yeah, he can sing okay I guess,” Stapp told Stampworthy. “But come on, I’m Scott Stapp,” he said, then reiterated, then reiterated again.

After the concert there was a brief altercation at the airport, when the Pope was stopped by a security guard with a dog. “He explained to me that there were dog treats in his purse, so I let him through,” said the guard.

The Jacksonville four-piece’s new record, “The Man in the Red Hat,” debuted at number six on the Billboard Charts last week, fueled by the success of its first single, “Santa Pimp.”

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst acknowledged that the timing of album was a bit late. “We wanted to release the album in February but had problems with production,” he told Stampworthy.

The rapcore band has been without a regular guitarist since the exit of Wes Borland then Mike Smith then Wes Borland again. Guitar work for “Santa Pimp” was provided by jazz legend and fellow Jacksonville-ite, Arthur “Blind” Blake. Blake has been in a slump since his the poor reception of his last album in ’32.

“Santa Pimp” features 12 tracks, “one for each of the days of Christmas” explained turntablist/sampler DJ Lethal. “We used a lot of Bing Crosby and David Bowie samples, but don’t tell him,” he told Stampworthy.

Durst says he’s proud of the record and thinks it’s the band’s best effort to date. “We finally found our stride on this one. Everything just clicked. It’s got something to do with the season,” Durst said.