Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Metal Sunday: God Damm

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

The bad boys of Christian rock (Head, Scott Stapp, Eric Cartman, Styper guy)

Band name: God Damm (ft. former members of Korn, Creed, Faith + 1, & Stryper)

Genre: Christian Pop Metal

Themes: Being the bad boys of Christian rock, posing, and God complexes

Lyrics: “With robes wide open/under the glass panes/Welcome to my
chambers/I’ll show you everything”

Image: Sheep skins

Tag line:  “I can see, I can see, I can see I’m going blind (without Jesus)”

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Welcome to the fifth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Pot, weed, grass, smoke, Acapulco gold, cannabis, reefer, Texas tea, ganja, stash, Mary Jane, herb, wacky tebacky, AK-47, Bubble Gum, dope, Vitamin M, bud, blunt, Sam, home-grown, Black Bart, The chronic, take five, broccoli, spliff, sack, green, hemp, nature hike, immigration papers, toke, nature’s babysitter, Maui wowie, sweet leaf, the plant, Jamaican sight seeing tour, chef’s salad, joint, Jolly Green Giant, the vegetarian option, Jame’s joys, break time, Bob Marley’s lawn clippings, breakfast of champions, and space grass–it goes by many names.

Whatever you call it, it’s the solution to our economic woes.

The legalization of marijuana creates a new market to house executives, financiers, and stoke venture capitalists.  The mass farming, harvesting, and packaging of the product requires the mobilization of America’s unemployed masses, who are already deeply involved in the trade of said product.  The decriminalization aspect frees up space in our over-crowded jails, while freed prisoners are primed for the automotive industry, which will transport the crop.  Also, extreme greenies will stop crying and get jobs.  Drug smugglers will have lower carbon footprints and proctologist bills.

As a matter of national security, it ends our dependence on foreign plants.  America has a rich culture of horticulturalists, ranging all the way back to George-King of the United States-Washington.   Some scientists theorize massive fields of marijuana would help increase greenhouse gases, thus solving our climate woes as well.  America will reemerge as a agricultural giant, a massive exporter of plants and hemp necklaces. Best of all, this move saves the government from bailing out Funyons and Cheetos, whose sales are expected to increase by 1,000%.

Where will we grow this crop you ask?  We at Stampworthy suggest the entire state of Montana.

George Carlin’s biographer unearths comic’s double life as musician

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Nine months after the death of George Carlin, biographer Al Sleet has unveiled a startling discovery:  when not performing his act, Carlin drummed for the ’70s progressive rock band Gentle Giant.  “I was looking through his financial records when I came across some paychecks from Vertigo and Columbia Records,” said Sleet.  “It turns out that from 1972 to 1980 he drummed under the name John ‘Pugwash’ Weathers.”  During this stint he recorded such classic albums as Octopus, In a Glass House, and The Power and the Glory.

“As his comedy act took off, Carlin has less and less time for the band,” said Sleet, who discovered several lost journals of reflections about the band.  “His writing on the subject is in British English, so it took some time to decipher the texts, but he clearly talks about the conflicts between his two careers.”  This eventually lead to the band’s downfall.  Carlin’s preoccupation with the Federal Communications Commission v. Pacifica Foundation case and its relation to his “Seven Dirty Words” skit lead to a watered down Gentle Giant album in 1978.  Fans and critics largely concur Giant for a Day foreshadowed the demise of the band.

“In the end, George Carlin was a magnificent entertainer who happened to be a hell of good drummer,” said Sleet.  “I never would have guessed the comic so well know for his plain black garb would wear such silly costumes though.”

(Above:  George Carlin behind the skins on Gentle Giant’s “Proclamation”)

Squid strike enters second week, newspaper industry issues ultimatum

Monday, March 30th, 2009

The giant squid protest against the newspaper industry entered its second week yesterday.  “Ultimately, we’re hopeful there will be a timely resolution that’s beneficial to all parties involved, but we can’t keep waiting” said Rupert Murdoch, owner of The Wall Street Journal, one of the papers affected by the strike.  “If they don’t get back to work by the end of the week, we’ll be forced to take drastic actions.”

Giant squids, whom produce 80 percent of the ink used to print papers, have been lobbying for better hours and a more comprehensive dental plan.  “Grghghgh ghghg ghghrrr,” said Grrrghr, the representative of the Architeuthis dux genus.

The heads of the five newspaper families will meet later this week in New York to discuss what to do about the protest.  “It’s a sticky situation,” said Murdoch.  “The newspaper industry is a sinking ship that can’t afford to provide life vests to every pissant employee.”  While he denied any knowledge of their presence, an inside source informed Stampworthy that Japanese fishing boats with the FOX logo have amassed along all major world coasts.  Murdoch did comment however, “giant squid sushi would fetch a pretty hefty price on the underground seafood market.”

Update: Death Magnet! Deceased Bass Player to Rejoin Metallica for Rock Hall Show

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

Metallica plans to update their classic Cliff Burton era albums

Metallica has been one to always top themselves (i.e. St. Anger). Earlier this week guitarist Kirk Hammett announced that Jason Newstead will join the band when they perform during their Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame
induction ceremony. In a Stampworthy exclusive interview, Hammett announced the return of their deceased bass player Cliff Burton.

“Cliff Burton was resurrected from the dead earlier this week,” Hammett proudly announced. “We keep chasing our past, so we thought, why not bring the past to life?”  He added:  “Thinking about doing this ceremony without Cliff would drive me into the sanitarium. We had to ride the lightning on this one so we could kill ‘em all on stage.”

In his first interview in decades Cliff Burton seemed ecstatic to join his former comrades. “My revival is a thing that should not be. But new technology had me hit the lights and I was greeted by James (Hetfield) and Lars (Ulrich) with a ‘Welcome Home’ sign as I began to breathe again.”  He further expressed elation about the upcoming Rock Hall induction.  “I am stoked to play the show! After all that’s the place where rock stars go to die, so why not bring the dead?” Metallica’s PR crew has warned Burton to refrain from his signature excessive head banging during the concert. “Much like the other members, I’m not quite all there, so they don’t want the creeping death.”

Media speculation over the inclusion of former guitarist,  Megadeth founder Dave Mustaine. Kirk squashed the rumours. “Playing with Dave would be a mega symphony of destruction.” He further added:  “Have you actually listened to Megadeth? I mean, we put out  some bad albums but come on.”

Metallica is rumoured to be playing ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ with Burton at the event April 4th in Cleveland.  “We can’t wait to unload this show–justice will be served in Cleveland. Without Cliff, and nothing else matters,” said Kirk of the show.   Burton further added: “This time, no tour buses.”

Metal Sunday: Bozo

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

Band name: Bozo

Genre: shoegaze/metalgaze

Themes:  laughing, crying, applying makeup, giant shoes, squirting flowers

Lyrics: “doot doot dodododo doot doot doodoo, doot doot dodododo doot doot doodoo, doot dodo doodoo doot dodo doodoo, dodododododododo doo”

Image: Frank Miller meets Pagliacci

Tag line:  “This is the space between laughs.”

Makers of 28 Days Later birth control company sue Fox over title of movie franchise

Friday, March 13th, 2009

Kithgan, makers of the popular 28 Days Later birth control pill are suing FOX subsidiary Searchlight Pictures over rights to the name “28 Days Later.”  FOX Searchlight Pictures released a popular horror/science fiction film in 2002 under a name which Kithgan claims infringes on it’s copyright secured in 1984.

“It’s our right to chose how our name is used and FOX should respect that choice,” said Kithgan spokeswoman Latoya Wright.  “A bloody barren future is not an image we want associated with Kithgan brand birth control.”  Ms. Wright declined to comment on the details of the suit.

“I wish they quiet being such a pill,” said FOX spokeswoman Jeff Wong.  “They have brand recognition in their corner of the market, we have it in ours.”  He added “They’ve threatened to sue us every month, just like clockwork–they just need to eat a pint or two of Chunky Monkey and calm down.”

As for the timing of the lawsuit, Ms. Wright had this to say:  “We were expecting a check in the mail, but it never came.  At first we thought it was late, but after a couple of weeks we knew something was dreadfully wrong and that we needed to take action.”

Metal Sunday: Metalmorphosis

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

Band name: Metalmorphosis

Genre: avant garde, noise metal

Themes:  satire, inhumanity, guilt, isolation, inadequacy, absurdity, bureaucracy, social norms

Lyrics: “When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous vermin…”

Image: Kafkaesque

Tag line:  “Dear Max, please burn everything”

Metal Sunday: Tanked!

Sunday, March 1st, 2009

Band name: Tanked!

Genre:  Progressive Metal

Themes:  panzers, drinking, swimming, changing the water every now and then

Lyrics: “blub blub blub blub blub”

Image: the heaviest of tanks

Tag line:  “Go Fish”

Protesters lobby for free trade coke

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

Times Square was flooded with protesters today demanding free trade cocaine.  “We’re tired of the harmful trade conditions [sniffle] surrounding the coke trade,” says Martha Smith, head of the White Knights, a cocaine advocacy group.  “It’s time the government [sniffle] does something about it.”

During the protest, the White Knights collected signatures for a petition that calls on the government to create an independent group to regulate the drug trade.  “We already do it for [sniffle] our vegetables, why not for our drugs?” says Smith.  The new law would make it a federal crime to label cocaine as fair trade without undergoing proper government inspection.

“We have to walk a fine line with this,” said White House press agent Danny Smith.  “The U.S. government takes the coke trade very seriously, but we can’t just change [sniffle] old systems willy nilly.”

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