The Pope’s band The Crusade flew to New York to play a sold out 4/20 music festival, Christ’s Secret Stash. “I brought extra robes this time,” said Pope Benedict XVI, the lead singer of the band, alluding to his now-infamous wardrobe malfunction. The Crusade played an hour and a half of religiously charged hip hop featuring members of Tripl3cross. The Pope said it was an honor to perform at the festival. “This is my favorite time of year, well, next to Christmas: my Cardinals always get the nicest presents,” said Pope Benedict between handfuls of Ruffles potato chips. “These things are great–do you want some?” he added.

After The Crusade performed for the packed Yankee Stadium, Christian rock powerhouse Creed took the stage. Frontman/boxer Scott Stapp high-fived the Pope, despite making derogatory comments earlier in the night. “Yeah, he can sing okay I guess,” Stapp told Stampworthy. “But come on, I’m Scott Stapp,” he said, then reiterated, then reiterated again.

After the concert there was a brief altercation at the airport, when the Pope was stopped by a security guard with a dog. “He explained to me that there were dog treats in his purse, so I let him through,” said the guard.

The Jacksonville four-piece’s new record, “The Man in the Red Hat,” debuted at number six on the Billboard Charts last week, fueled by the success of its first single, “Santa Pimp.”

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst acknowledged that the timing of album was a bit late. “We wanted to release the album in February but had problems with production,” he told Stampworthy.

The rapcore band has been without a regular guitarist since the exit of Wes Borland then Mike Smith then Wes Borland again. Guitar work for “Santa Pimp” was provided by jazz legend and fellow Jacksonville-ite, Arthur “Blind” Blake. Blake has been in a slump since his the poor reception of his last album in ’32.

“Santa Pimp” features 12 tracks, “one for each of the days of Christmas” explained turntablist/sampler DJ Lethal. “We used a lot of Bing Crosby and David Bowie samples, but don’t tell him,” he told Stampworthy.

Durst says he’s proud of the record and thinks it’s the band’s best effort to date. “We finally found our stride on this one. Everything just clicked. It’s got something to do with the season,” Durst said.

With all of the recent bashing of the Patriots, I think we need to add some pro-Boston energy. To counter the Patriots scandal, I would like to bring to your attention Freezepop. I think they more than even the playing field.

Enjoy.

As election season heats up, Sen. McCain aides revealed a plan to revise and revive his infamous “bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran” policy. A source close to McCain has leaked a few of these new policies to Stampworthy:

“Everybody’s gone green now, green U.S.A.”

“Round, round, get around, I get around without a cane, for now”

“Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a immigrant worker program, then we wouldn’t have to build a wall.”

“God only knows what I’d do without depending on the votes of conservatives who are so disgusted at the prospects of a female or African-American president that they’re forced to vote for me.”

In response, Sen. Obama has announced a new series of foreign policies based on Neil Young tunes, including “A man needs a male president,” “Out on the campaign trail,” and “When you dance I can really consider voting for you.”

Sen. Clinton is considering policies based on Chuck Barry songs including “Roll over potential democratic candidates,” “Barrack and the USSR,” and “You never can tell what my husband is going to do next.”