Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

Metal Sunday: Bozo

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

Band name: Bozo

Genre: shoegaze/metalgaze

Themes:  laughing, crying, applying makeup, giant shoes, squirting flowers

Lyrics: “doot doot dodododo doot doot doodoo, doot doot dodododo doot doot doodoo, doot dodo doodoo doot dodo doodoo, dodododododododo doo”

Image: Frank Miller meets Pagliacci

Tag line:  “This is the space between laughs.”

Metal Sunday: Metalmorphosis

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

Band name: Metalmorphosis

Genre: avant garde, noise metal

Themes:  satire, inhumanity, guilt, isolation, inadequacy, absurdity, bureaucracy, social norms

Lyrics: “When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous vermin…”

Image: Kafkaesque

Tag line:  “Dear Max, please burn everything”

Metal Sunday: Tanked!

Sunday, March 1st, 2009

Band name: Tanked!

Genre:  Progressive Metal

Themes:  panzers, drinking, swimming, changing the water every now and then

Lyrics: “blub blub blub blub blub”

Image: the heaviest of tanks

Tag line:  “Go Fish”

Protesters lobby for free trade coke

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

Times Square was flooded with protesters today demanding free trade cocaine.  “We’re tired of the harmful trade conditions [sniffle] surrounding the coke trade,” says Martha Smith, head of the White Knights, a cocaine advocacy group.  “It’s time the government [sniffle] does something about it.”

During the protest, the White Knights collected signatures for a petition that calls on the government to create an independent group to regulate the drug trade.  “We already do it for [sniffle] our vegetables, why not for our drugs?” says Smith.  The new law would make it a federal crime to label cocaine as fair trade without undergoing proper government inspection.

“We have to walk a fine line with this,” said White House press agent Danny Smith.  “The U.S. government takes the coke trade very seriously, but we can’t just change [sniffle] old systems willy nilly.”

Metal Sunday Wednesday: Glacier

Wednesday, December 17th, 2008

Band name: Glacier

Genre:  Drone Metal

Themes:  Global warming, playing the same chord for two weeks before moving

Lyrics: “You… don’t… think… we’re… moving… but… we… are…”

Image: Make-up to resemble famed Arctic explorer Ernest Shackleton

Tag line:  “Planting seashells on your mountaintops”

Metal Sunday: 2Pack

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

Band name: 2Pack
Genre:  rap metal
Themes: California, bitches, hos, bad sex tapes, faked deaths
Lyrics: “Throw it up, c’mon/Throw up,  yeah/Let’s show these fools how we do this in the blender/’Cause you know it’s the best in the blender”
Image: bad tattoos, backwards baseball caps
Tag line:  “Ain’t nothing but a nookie party.”

Metal Sunday: Lama Decapitation

Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

Band name: Lama Decapitation
Genre:  death metal
Themes:  exile, slaughtering the Chinese, drinking lama’s blood
Lyrics: “I will be the last; lama’s blood is spilled; annihilate the rest; prophecy fulfilled”
Image: black robes, spikes, pentagram tattoos
Tag line:  “Tibetan Constitutional Monarchy”

Metal Sunday: Starfucks

Sunday, November 16th, 2008

Band name: Starfucks
Genre:  hardcore, metalcore, thrash
Themes:  coffee, tweaking
Lyrics: “stay awake; pay attention; slaughter the slow; die before pension”
Image: Starfucks employees uniform
Tag line:  “Metal Vente”

Metal Sunday: Bambi Death

Sunday, November 9th, 2008

Band name: Bambi Death
Genre:  black metal, death metal
Themes:  hunting, trapping, fishing, sports
Lyrics: “Slaughter the deer; turn the white-tail red; dress the kill in the field; let her children know she’s dead.”
Image: camouflage and corpse paint
Tag line:  “Bang-Bang”

Metal Sunday: North Pole Face

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

New Feature: Metal Sunday
Every Sunday we’ll bring the latest, greatest ideas for concept bands.  Feel free to use any of these ideas in your own band, as long as you agree to give us every cent you ever earn.

Band name:  North Pole Face
Genre:  black metal
Theme:  metal at the north pole, coldness, shifting sea ice
Lyrics: “Cold, so cold; grim, so cold; ice, so cold; death, so cold.”
Image:  “Barber Pole”- a hybrid form of corpse paint
Tag line:  “Burrrrr.”

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