Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

Bob Marley, original gangster

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

The father of modern reggae music, Robert Nesta “Bob” Marley, is still pushing musical boundaries and inciting controversy 28 years after his death.  In a break with his promotion of Rastafarian beliefs, a newly released single entitled “You Know You’re a Nigga” reveals his support of underground gangster rap years before its inception.

“This is some crazy shit,” said Jesse Weaver of Jive Records, the label responsible for the song’s release.

Weaver and a crew of PR agents held a press conference earlier today to discuss the song.  In attendance was Rita Marley, the sole owner of her husband’s work and long-time holdout to the song’s release.

“I’m not going to lie–I listen to this song every day,” said Marley.  “I finally decided it was time the public see my husband in a new light.”

“We’re proud to be putting out this track,” said Weaver.  “It makes me look at his entire catalog with a gangsta lean,” said Weaver.

Marley went on to describe her husband as a “complex, multi-faceted man” who at one point “really did shoot a sheriff.”

“It wasn’t just peace and hugs,” she said.  “It was also his piece and thugs.”

In only one day of sales, “You Know You’re a Nigga” has topped sales charts and received nearly continuous air play.

“We’re confident this will cement Bob’s legacy as an early gangster rap crossover artist,” said Weaver.

The new single has generated controversy as well, due largely to its repeated use of the N-word.  Several major retailers have pulled the album from their shelves due to complaints and petitions from angry parents and church groups.

Weaver was incredulous when questioned about the push-back.

“How many times must a brother in America have his album pulled?  I mean, this is so hot, so hot,” he said.

“So hot, so hot,” added Marley.

Metal Sunday: Lynyrd’s Innyrds

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

Band name: Lynyrd’s Innyrds

Genre: blues/goregrind

Themes: the rebel flag, slaughter, Union butchers, butchery

Lyrics: “If I cleave her tomorrow, would she be able to tell the cops about me, for I must jumping state lines now, ’cause there are other circulatory systems I need to open, but if I stayed here with you girl, your corpse just wouldn’t be the same, ’cause I’m freer than a jailbird now, and this bird you can not change, lord knows I can’t change.”

Image: Lynyrd Skynyrd meets Charles Manson meets Carcass

Tag line:  “Sweet Home Gore-o-rama”

Metal Sunday: Plutonium

Sunday, May 3rd, 2009

Band name: Plutonium (Pu)

Genre: Progressive sludge metal

Themes: Engineering isotopes, UN inspections, and the annihilation of humanity

Lyrics: “bring me my wine/the dawn of my rebirth/sleep/forget/when the cup is empty/I drink from nothingness/forever/transcend through time”

Image: Southern and Old Country-refined class, plus goggles

Tag line:  “Pu-666, the heaviest of metals”

Ex-’Floyd member claims pre-knowledge of swine flu

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

32 years–that’s how long we’ve had to prepare for the swine flu, according to ex-Pink Floyd bassist Rodger Waters.  “When we put out Animals in 1977, I insisted on the flying pig avatar for concerts.  That pig was the warning,” he intimated in a press conference earlier today.  “People really seemed to enjoy the music and the pig, so I assumed the message was clear.”

Waters claims the lyrics to songs on Animals reinforce the imagery of the avian swine.  “Look at the lyrics to ‘Pigs on the Wing 1′:  If you didn’t care what happened to me/And I didn’t care for you/We would zigzag our way through the boredom and pain/occasionally glancing up through the rain/wondering which of the buggers to blame/and watching for pigs on the wing.”  He went on to hum the guitar solo.  “Have you got it, yet?  Don’t you see the meaning?” asked Waters.  “It rains in April, farmers bugger farm animals, and pigs on a wing are flying pigs–that means they flu!”  Waters went on to play his entire catalog of songs for the press conference over the course of several hours before taking more questions.

“I’m an artist and as such I’m ahead of the curve.  I know these things are going to happen,” said Waters.  “I tried to warn everyone, but apparently most people just don’t understand symbolism.”

Mr. T & Timbaland reunite, record record

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

“After years of searching, I’ve finally found my long lost cousin Timbaland,” said Mr. T at a packed press conference earlier today.  The two appeared side by side to answer questions for five minutes and lift weights for an hour.  “It’s so great to know I’m at least related to someone relevant,” said T.

T’s quest for his estranged cousin began as an attempt to flesh out his family tree . “I was trying to figure out what the ‘t’ in my name stood for and was searching through a photo album when a song from Scream came up on my I-pod,” said T.  “I thought, ‘I hate this fool singer, but these beats are funky, man these beats are funky.’  Then I remembered my childhood family reunions.”

“Mr. T and I used to make all kinds of noises as kids,” said Timbaland as he wiped tears away from his eyes.  “We banged pots and pans in the kitchen while ol’ grand dad whistled and played with spoons on his knees…they were wooden spoons, but he was blind, so no one told him.”  Timbaland further stated he was aware of the relation, but thought Mr. T had died in the late 1980s in a laser-tag accident.  “I’m so glad to stand next to him–to see that he’s, you know, still alive,” said Timbaland.

The aging B-list actor and member of the A-team says the two have begun work on his third album, Ain’t No Fooling Me…I’m Still Mr. T.  “This whole incident made me realize something,” said T.  “Everyone thinks I’m dead–I’m not dead.  I pitty the fool who thinks I’m dead.”

Hammer Arrested for Hurting ‘Em

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

Stanley Burrell a.k.a. MC Hammer was arrested yesterday for assaulting Liam Addams, a high school senior, at a local mall in Oakland, California.  Police reports state that the boy was ‘paying homage’ to the rapper at O-Town Fashion Place’s yearly talent show when Hammer suddenly became irate, struck Addams repeatedly with his gold chain, and left the young man in a coma.

“Before he jumped on stage, Hammer proclaimed, ‘No one wears Hammer Pants but Hammer’ then finally he jumped on stage,” said witness, James S. Krise. “We tried to pull him off but he kept screaming ‘you can’t touch this.’ All I can we can do is pray for the boy to be okay.” After posting bail, Hammer stated in his press release that it was “Hammertime to stop the young man from parodying his act” and that he was “too legit to quit once it started.” He showed some remorse stating that he would “send some pumps for the bumps” to Mr. Addams.  The Addams family plans to file charges and has stated “we do what we want to do.”

Metal Sunday: God Damm

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

The bad boys of Christian rock (Head, Scott Stapp, Eric Cartman, Styper guy)

Band name: God Damm (ft. former members of Korn, Creed, Faith + 1, & Stryper)

Genre: Christian Pop Metal

Themes: Being the bad boys of Christian rock, posing, and God complexes

Lyrics: “With robes wide open/under the glass panes/Welcome to my
chambers/I’ll show you everything”

Image: Sheep skins

Tag line:  “I can see, I can see, I can see I’m going blind (without Jesus)”

Practical Economic Solutions, Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Welcome to the fifth installment of Stampworthy’s “Practical Economic Solutions,” a hard-hitting series that proffers practical solutions to today’s economic woes.

Volume V: Legalize Marijuana

Pot, weed, grass, smoke, Acapulco gold, cannabis, reefer, Texas tea, ganja, stash, Mary Jane, herb, wacky tebacky, AK-47, Bubble Gum, dope, Vitamin M, bud, blunt, Sam, home-grown, Black Bart, The chronic, take five, broccoli, spliff, sack, green, hemp, nature hike, immigration papers, toke, nature’s babysitter, Maui wowie, sweet leaf, the plant, Jamaican sight seeing tour, chef’s salad, joint, Jolly Green Giant, the vegetarian option, Jame’s joys, break time, Bob Marley’s lawn clippings, breakfast of champions, and space grass–it goes by many names.

Whatever you call it, it’s the solution to our economic woes.

The legalization of marijuana creates a new market to house executives, financiers, and stoke venture capitalists.  The mass farming, harvesting, and packaging of the product requires the mobilization of America’s unemployed masses, who are already deeply involved in the trade of said product.  The decriminalization aspect frees up space in our over-crowded jails, while freed prisoners are primed for the automotive industry, which will transport the crop.  Also, extreme greenies will stop crying and get jobs.  Drug smugglers will have lower carbon footprints and proctologist bills.

As a matter of national security, it ends our dependence on foreign plants.  America has a rich culture of horticulturalists, ranging all the way back to George-King of the United States-Washington.   Some scientists theorize massive fields of marijuana would help increase greenhouse gases, thus solving our climate woes as well.  America will reemerge as a agricultural giant, a massive exporter of plants and hemp necklaces. Best of all, this move saves the government from bailing out Funyons and Cheetos, whose sales are expected to increase by 1,000%.

Where will we grow this crop you ask?  We at Stampworthy suggest the entire state of Montana.

George Carlin’s biographer unearths comic’s double life as musician

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Nine months after the death of George Carlin, biographer Al Sleet has unveiled a startling discovery:  when not performing his act, Carlin drummed for the ’70s progressive rock band Gentle Giant.  “I was looking through his financial records when I came across some paychecks from Vertigo and Columbia Records,” said Sleet.  “It turns out that from 1972 to 1980 he drummed under the name John ‘Pugwash’ Weathers.”  During this stint he recorded such classic albums as Octopus, In a Glass House, and The Power and the Glory.

“As his comedy act took off, Carlin has less and less time for the band,” said Sleet, who discovered several lost journals of reflections about the band.  “His writing on the subject is in British English, so it took some time to decipher the texts, but he clearly talks about the conflicts between his two careers.”  This eventually lead to the band’s downfall.  Carlin’s preoccupation with the Federal Communications Commission v. Pacifica Foundation case and its relation to his “Seven Dirty Words” skit lead to a watered down Gentle Giant album in 1978.  Fans and critics largely concur Giant for a Day foreshadowed the demise of the band.

“In the end, George Carlin was a magnificent entertainer who happened to be a hell of good drummer,” said Sleet.  “I never would have guessed the comic so well know for his plain black garb would wear such silly costumes though.”

(Above:  George Carlin behind the skins on Gentle Giant’s “Proclamation”)

Update: Death Magnet! Deceased Bass Player to Rejoin Metallica for Rock Hall Show

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

Metallica plans to update their classic Cliff Burton era albums

Metallica has been one to always top themselves (i.e. St. Anger). Earlier this week guitarist Kirk Hammett announced that Jason Newstead will join the band when they perform during their Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame
induction ceremony. In a Stampworthy exclusive interview, Hammett announced the return of their deceased bass player Cliff Burton.

“Cliff Burton was resurrected from the dead earlier this week,” Hammett proudly announced. “We keep chasing our past, so we thought, why not bring the past to life?”  He added:  “Thinking about doing this ceremony without Cliff would drive me into the sanitarium. We had to ride the lightning on this one so we could kill ‘em all on stage.”

In his first interview in decades Cliff Burton seemed ecstatic to join his former comrades. “My revival is a thing that should not be. But new technology had me hit the lights and I was greeted by James (Hetfield) and Lars (Ulrich) with a ‘Welcome Home’ sign as I began to breathe again.”  He further expressed elation about the upcoming Rock Hall induction.  “I am stoked to play the show! After all that’s the place where rock stars go to die, so why not bring the dead?” Metallica’s PR crew has warned Burton to refrain from his signature excessive head banging during the concert. “Much like the other members, I’m not quite all there, so they don’t want the creeping death.”

Media speculation over the inclusion of former guitarist,  Megadeth founder Dave Mustaine. Kirk squashed the rumours. “Playing with Dave would be a mega symphony of destruction.” He further added:  “Have you actually listened to Megadeth? I mean, we put out  some bad albums but come on.”

Metallica is rumoured to be playing ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ with Burton at the event April 4th in Cleveland.  “We can’t wait to unload this show–justice will be served in Cleveland. Without Cliff, and nothing else matters,” said Kirk of the show.   Burton further added: “This time, no tour buses.”

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