Film director George Lucas announced the re-release of his 2008 blockbuster Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at a press conference at his mansion in Marin County Thursday morning. He asserted the special edition replaces original theatrical run and is the “final cut” and “crystallization of his artistic vision.”
“Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are great guys–they’re just too shortsighted,” said Lucas. “For all their insistence on continuity with the original films, they were afraid to address the bigger picture, namely how Indiana Jones fits into the cosmology of the Star Wars universe.”
The most controversial change is the digital replacement of the films titular crystal skulls with heads that bear a striking resemblance to Jar Jar Binks, first featured in Stars Wars- Episode I: The Phantom Menace. “I know he’s not the most popular character I’ve ever created–hell, I don’t even like him–but he plays an important role in the initial age of mankind’s exploration of space. He’s much more than a special addition,” said Lucas.
The director refused to answer any questions about the film’s plot, but Stampworthy sources close to Lucas revealed once Dr. Jones finds Jar Jar’s Skull, it begins talking and leads Jones on a quest to get it as far away from Earth as possible, thus beginning his interstellar smuggling career.
Despite the aging director’s increasing dementia, Lucas was refreshingly lucid at the end of the press conference. “After I’ve finish cutting up the body of my work, perhaps I can finally bury its rotting corpse,” he said.