Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Bob Marley, original gangster

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

The father of modern reggae music, Robert Nesta “Bob” Marley, is still pushing musical boundaries and inciting controversy 28 years after his death.  In a break with his promotion of Rastafarian beliefs, a newly released single entitled “You Know You’re a Nigga” reveals his support of underground gangster rap years before its inception.

“This is some crazy shit,” said Jesse Weaver of Jive Records, the label responsible for the song’s release.

Weaver and a crew of PR agents held a press conference earlier today to discuss the song.  In attendance was Rita Marley, the sole owner of her husband’s work and long-time holdout to the song’s release.

“I’m not going to lie–I listen to this song every day,” said Marley.  “I finally decided it was time the public see my husband in a new light.”

“We’re proud to be putting out this track,” said Weaver.  “It makes me look at his entire catalog with a gangsta lean,” said Weaver.

Marley went on to describe her husband as a “complex, multi-faceted man” who at one point “really did shoot a sheriff.”

“It wasn’t just peace and hugs,” she said.  “It was also his piece and thugs.”

In only one day of sales, “You Know You’re a Nigga” has topped sales charts and received nearly continuous air play.

“We’re confident this will cement Bob’s legacy as an early gangster rap crossover artist,” said Weaver.

The new single has generated controversy as well, due largely to its repeated use of the N-word.  Several major retailers have pulled the album from their shelves due to complaints and petitions from angry parents and church groups.

Weaver was incredulous when questioned about the push-back.

“How many times must a brother in America have his album pulled?  I mean, this is so hot, so hot,” he said.

“So hot, so hot,” added Marley.

Indy 4 gets a facelift, Star Wars skull

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

Film director George Lucas announced the re-release of his 2008 blockbuster Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at a press conference at his mansion in Marin County Thursday morning.  He asserted the special edition replaces original theatrical run and is the “final cut” and “crystallization of his artistic vision.”

“Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are great guys–they’re just too shortsighted,” said Lucas.  “For all their insistence on continuity with the original films, they were afraid to address the bigger picture, namely how Indiana Jones fits into the cosmology of the Star Wars universe.”

The most controversial change is the digital replacement of the films titular crystal skulls with heads that bear a striking resemblance to Jar Jar Binks, first featured in Stars Wars- Episode I:  The Phantom Menace.  “I know he’s not the most popular character I’ve ever created–hell, I don’t even like him–but he plays an important role in the initial age of mankind’s exploration of space.  He’s much more than a special addition,” said Lucas.

The director refused to answer any questions about the film’s plot, but Stampworthy sources close to Lucas revealed once Dr. Jones finds Jar Jar’s Skull, it begins talking and leads Jones on a quest to get it as far away from Earth as possible, thus beginning his interstellar smuggling career.

Despite the aging director’s increasing dementia, Lucas was refreshingly lucid at the end of the press conference.  “After I’ve finish cutting up the body of my work, perhaps I can finally bury its rotting corpse,” he said.

Metal Sunday: Lynyrd’s Innyrds

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

Band name: Lynyrd’s Innyrds

Genre: blues/goregrind

Themes: the rebel flag, slaughter, Union butchers, butchery

Lyrics: “If I cleave her tomorrow, would she be able to tell the cops about me, for I must jumping state lines now, ’cause there are other circulatory systems I need to open, but if I stayed here with you girl, your corpse just wouldn’t be the same, ’cause I’m freer than a jailbird now, and this bird you can not change, lord knows I can’t change.”

Image: Lynyrd Skynyrd meets Charles Manson meets Carcass

Tag line:  “Sweet Home Gore-o-rama”

Pathetic man unable to fulfill sim’s life

Monday, June 29th, 2009

Steve Nieves, a 29 year old house painter, is so incapable at the basic tenets of life that he cannot fulfill the life of his character in the popular game Sims 3.A sad, dreamless man watches his simulated character's sad, dreamless existence.

Even though the developers of The Sims series program each character with artificial intelligence that guides them towards self-satisfaction, Steve thwarts his avatar’s every attempt at meaningful existence.

“Well, so my guy, I named him Bart Fart, he wants to be a writer, so the computer wants to make him write,” Nieves muttered in between mouthfulls of chips and beer, “but I’m here playing this game all day, it just doesn’t feel right to make him do more than troll on the internet or play video games.”

Nieves was able to assist his character in one way, however, by giving him the “slob” personality trait.

“Since he’s a slob, he doesn’t get bothered by a messy room, so that makes it easier.  Gives him more time to relax.”

So far after 19 hours of gameplay, only interrupted for a brief masturbation session while watching an illegally downloaded copy of Swordfish, Steve has not managed to obtain any meaningful career or relationship goals for Mr. Fart.

“He’s written about half of a story, and when he finishes it he can sell it for money, but I just keep thinking it’s not fair.  What if he isn’t inspired?  That could really hurt his feelings.  And it totally sucks they don’t have house painting as a career goal.  House painting is good money, and nobody complains if you show up drunk.  Shit, did I have work today?”

Mid-season break, South Park fan enters depression

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

“I don’t know if I can make it much longer,” said Bartholomew Gustafson, a longtime South Park fan. The 13 season animated show has been dormant for two weeks follow its mid-season break.

“I haven’t laughed for fourteen days and have had nothing to talk about at the water cooler at work,” said Gustafson.  The 28 year old virgin accountant, says the show meant the world to him, and likened its absence to multiple deaths in the family.  “I’m so depressed.  I see Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny’s faces everywhere I go, I just…I just…miss them so much,” said Gustafson between bouts of crying.

Gustafson faces four years in prison for disturbing a private graveyard, a charge he claims is related to the cartoon.  “I buried my South Park dolls in the old Indian burial ground–I thought it’d work, like on the show,” he said.  Gustafson was incredulous when presented with a copy of the book “Pet Cemetery” by Stephen King.  “No way, this King guy ripped them off!”  He now faces 20 years in prison for beating a Stampworthy reporter to death with the novel.

New episodes of South Park resume this fall.

Metal Sunday: Plutonium

Sunday, May 3rd, 2009

Band name: Plutonium (Pu)

Genre: Progressive sludge metal

Themes: Engineering isotopes, UN inspections, and the annihilation of humanity

Lyrics: “bring me my wine/the dawn of my rebirth/sleep/forget/when the cup is empty/I drink from nothingness/forever/transcend through time”

Image: Southern and Old Country-refined class, plus goggles

Tag line:  “Pu-666, the heaviest of metals”

Old adage confirmed: “hopscotch ability linked to success”

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science affirms the long-held theory that a child’s hopscotch ability indicates their likelihood of achievement later in life.

“This will revolutionize our approach to education,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers.

The century long study on which the paper is based is comprised of data gathered at elementary schools across the U.S.

“It’s taken us a long time to assemble this information, but the results are crystal clear,” said Meyers.  “The better you are at hopscotch at age 6, the more successful you’ll be by age 60.”

Dr. Meyers could only theorize as to the ‘why’ of the connection.  “I’m not sure as the to primary link,” he said.  “But it probably has something to do with drive, determination, and an intense fear of humiliation and hazing from insensitive hop-heads.”

Among the tentative conclusions reached in the TITS study is a controversial call for a mandatory hopscotch exam for admission to elementary school.

“We know it’s not going to be popular,” said Meyers.  “But you have to ask yourself–is it really worth a teacher taking extra class time to help a kid color between the lines when they can’t even hop between them?”

Ex-’Floyd member claims pre-knowledge of swine flu

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

32 years–that’s how long we’ve had to prepare for the swine flu, according to ex-Pink Floyd bassist Rodger Waters.  “When we put out Animals in 1977, I insisted on the flying pig avatar for concerts.  That pig was the warning,” he intimated in a press conference earlier today.  “People really seemed to enjoy the music and the pig, so I assumed the message was clear.”

Waters claims the lyrics to songs on Animals reinforce the imagery of the avian swine.  “Look at the lyrics to ‘Pigs on the Wing 1′:  If you didn’t care what happened to me/And I didn’t care for you/We would zigzag our way through the boredom and pain/occasionally glancing up through the rain/wondering which of the buggers to blame/and watching for pigs on the wing.”  He went on to hum the guitar solo.  “Have you got it, yet?  Don’t you see the meaning?” asked Waters.  “It rains in April, farmers bugger farm animals, and pigs on a wing are flying pigs–that means they flu!”  Waters went on to play his entire catalog of songs for the press conference over the course of several hours before taking more questions.

“I’m an artist and as such I’m ahead of the curve.  I know these things are going to happen,” said Waters.  “I tried to warn everyone, but apparently most people just don’t understand symbolism.”

Mr. T & Timbaland reunite, record record

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

“After years of searching, I’ve finally found my long lost cousin Timbaland,” said Mr. T at a packed press conference earlier today.  The two appeared side by side to answer questions for five minutes and lift weights for an hour.  “It’s so great to know I’m at least related to someone relevant,” said T.

T’s quest for his estranged cousin began as an attempt to flesh out his family tree . “I was trying to figure out what the ‘t’ in my name stood for and was searching through a photo album when a song from Scream came up on my I-pod,” said T.  “I thought, ‘I hate this fool singer, but these beats are funky, man these beats are funky.’  Then I remembered my childhood family reunions.”

“Mr. T and I used to make all kinds of noises as kids,” said Timbaland as he wiped tears away from his eyes.  “We banged pots and pans in the kitchen while ol’ grand dad whistled and played with spoons on his knees…they were wooden spoons, but he was blind, so no one told him.”  Timbaland further stated he was aware of the relation, but thought Mr. T had died in the late 1980s in a laser-tag accident.  “I’m so glad to stand next to him–to see that he’s, you know, still alive,” said Timbaland.

The aging B-list actor and member of the A-team says the two have begun work on his third album, Ain’t No Fooling Me…I’m Still Mr. T.  “This whole incident made me realize something,” said T.  “Everyone thinks I’m dead–I’m not dead.  I pitty the fool who thinks I’m dead.”

Hammer Arrested for Hurting ‘Em

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

Stanley Burrell a.k.a. MC Hammer was arrested yesterday for assaulting Liam Addams, a high school senior, at a local mall in Oakland, California.  Police reports state that the boy was ‘paying homage’ to the rapper at O-Town Fashion Place’s yearly talent show when Hammer suddenly became irate, struck Addams repeatedly with his gold chain, and left the young man in a coma.

“Before he jumped on stage, Hammer proclaimed, ‘No one wears Hammer Pants but Hammer’ then finally he jumped on stage,” said witness, James S. Krise. “We tried to pull him off but he kept screaming ‘you can’t touch this.’ All I can we can do is pray for the boy to be okay.” After posting bail, Hammer stated in his press release that it was “Hammertime to stop the young man from parodying his act” and that he was “too legit to quit once it started.” He showed some remorse stating that he would “send some pumps for the bumps” to Mr. Addams.  The Addams family plans to file charges and has stated “we do what we want to do.”

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