“Yes, we’re having a budget ‘risis,” said councilwoman ‘athy ‘rane.  “We need to pi’k low hanging fruit in order to ‘ontinue operations.”

“The ‘ity ‘ouncil doesn’t have enough money to just give out letters willy-nilly” added treasurer ‘ristopher ‘opland.

“The board has already adjusted the spelling and pronun’iation of our names in ‘on’ordan’e with this initiative,” said ‘rane.  “I ‘an only hope the people of Hartford, ‘onne’ti’ut follow our example.  We’re in this ‘risis together.”

“‘hanges in ‘lassroom ‘urri’ulum will begin at the ‘lose of the week,” said ‘rane.  “Re-edu’ation is needed to ensure these ‘hanges are applied to all aspe’ts of so’iety.”

When questioned about the possibility of replacing ‘c’s with ‘k’s and ‘s’s, ‘opland was incredulous.

“Do you know how much spa’e a “k” takes up?!” said ‘opland.  “That ‘ould only make the problem worse–’an’t you see that?  ‘ome on people!”

“This will revolutionize our approach to education,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers.

The century long study on which the paper is based is comprised of data gathered at elementary schools across the U.S.

“It’s taken us a long time to assemble this information, but the results are crystal clear,” said Meyers.  “The better you are at hopscotch at age 6, the more successful you’ll be by age 60.”

Dr. Meyers could only theorize as to the ‘why’ of the connection.  “I’m not sure as the to primary link,” he said.  “But it probably has something to do with drive, determination, and an intense fear of humiliation and hazing from insensitive hop-heads.”

Among the tentative conclusions reached in the TITS study is a controversial call for a mandatory hopscotch exam for admission to elementary school.

“We know it’s not going to be popular,” said Meyers.  “But you have to ask yourself–is it really worth a teacher taking extra class time to help a kid color between the lines when they can’t even hop between them?”

(Above:  an integrated zombie/human math class learns the ins and outs of integrals)

In a surprise move this week, President Barrack Obama announced the “No Zombie Left Behind Act,” a series of sweeping education reforms pertaining to the living impaired.  “It’s time we recognize the rights of these disadvantaged students,” said Obama. “Education in the U.S. isn’t just from the cradle to the grave.  Just because a person isn’t living doesn’t mean they aren’t learning.”

The NZLBA rewards schools with high testing undead pupils with Title T funds.  “This money is an umbrella for these students, protecting them from the horrors of the sun and tax levie funding,” said Obama.  “Let me make this clear.  This money isn not a handout; these students have got to get brains.”  He further added:  “braaaains.”