Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category

Footprints Killer stumps CSI: NY team

Monday, October 19th, 2009

“No comment.”

That’s all New York Crime Scene Investigation team leader Mac Taylor said about the so-called Footprints Killer, whose latest victim washed up on the shore of a Long Island beach early Monday morning.

While Taylor and his crew refused to comment on the open investigation, Stampworthy located an eyewitnesses to the most recent crime scene.

“I was just walking my dog Jesu on the beach when I came up to a line of yellow tape,” said Mary Stevenson, a Long Island resident.  “I heard about the body that washed up on shore today and I put two and two together, you know?

“There was tape and police officers everywhere, but I could see Detective Taylor and some Spanish lady measuring footprints in the sand,” said Stevenson.  “I recognized them from that reality show about cops.”

The New York Police Department denied any connection between this and a similar case three days ago in which another body was found near a dual and single set of footprints.

“This bothered me,” said Stevenson.  “I saw two sets of prints in the sand.  And further down the beach, there were all these rough patches and only one set of prints.  I bet he carried the victim into the water like in those other cases.”

“There’s got to be something supernatural about this one,” added Stevenson.  “Every other time those guys solve crimes in less than an hour.”

Cereal killer strikes again, lays Smacks down

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

New York’s infamous Son of Tony cereal killer has struck again.  The victim this time is 27-year-old Bobby Lance Miskef Zepsucie, heir to the Kellogg’s Sugar Smacks fortune.  His body was found Monday evening covered in the cereal his father invented in 1953.  Police have yet to reveal details, but eye-witnesses told Stampworthy reporters his mouth was overflowing with Sugar Smacks, leading to speculation of forced inhalation and subsequent suffocation.

If verified, this marks the fourth killing of a cereal heir related death in the last month.  The first three deaths include the Downy child of the creator of Special K, the gay son of the Fruit Loops engineer, and the flakey Rice Krispies triplets, whom New Yorkers have decided to count as one entity.

Police have yet to make an arrest in the Son of Tony case, but are hopeful.  “We have yet to make an arrest in the Son of Tony case, but we’re hopeful,” said Adolf O’Malley, head of the New York Police Department’s Sugar-related Crimes Unit (SCU).  He later affirmed the SCU has yet to make an arrest in the Son of Tony case, but they’re hopeful.

Some have questioned whether Zepsucie murder is related to the other deaths.  “He was into the hard stuff,” a close friend of Zepsucie told Stampworthy reporters.  “He started running with a different crowd and didn’t really seem like himself…he just sat there staring at the wall mumbling ‘dig ‘em.’”

Still, the SCU is pursuing the case as a related crime.  “We’re pursuing the case as a related crime,” said O’Malley.  “Fool me once, shame on…shame on you.  Fool me four times–you can’t fool me again.”

In a related story the heir to the Frosted Flakes fortune has gone missing.   His family could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson from Kellogg’s told Stampworthy reporters that the public should not panic, that “everything will be great.”

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