Archive for the ‘Zombies’ Category

Three Days After Execution, Homeless Man Rises

Sunday, April 12th, 2009

A homeless man publicly executed on Friday has risen from the grave.  A group of shocked onlookers ran in terror as he proceeded to consume the flesh of the living.

“He seemed agitated and disoriented,” said one onlooker.  “First he ranted about a bunny laying eggs and his twelve drinking buddies, and then he became aggressive and started biting people.”

Stampworthy sent three reporters to get the scoop, all of whom mysteriously vanished.  One of their taperecorders has been recorvered, containing the word “braaaiiinnnsss” repeated for fifteen minutes.

Obama unveils No Zombie Left Behind Act

Friday, March 27th, 2009

(Above:  an integrated zombie/human math class learns the ins and outs of integrals)

In a surprise move this week, President Barrack Obama announced the “No Zombie Left Behind Act,” a series of sweeping education reforms pertaining to the living impaired.  “It’s time we recognize the rights of these disadvantaged students,” said Obama. “Education in the U.S. isn’t just from the cradle to the grave.  Just because a person isn’t living doesn’t mean they aren’t learning.”

The NZLBA rewards schools with high testing undead pupils with Title T funds.  “This money is an umbrella for these students, protecting them from the horrors of the sun and tax levie funding,” said Obama.  “Let me make this clear.  This money isn not a handout; these students have got to get brains.”  He further added:  “braaaains.”

Update: Death Magnet! Deceased Bass Player to Rejoin Metallica for Rock Hall Show

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

Metallica plans to update their classic Cliff Burton era albums

Metallica has been one to always top themselves (i.e. St. Anger). Earlier this week guitarist Kirk Hammett announced that Jason Newstead will join the band when they perform during their Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame
induction ceremony. In a Stampworthy exclusive interview, Hammett announced the return of their deceased bass player Cliff Burton.

“Cliff Burton was resurrected from the dead earlier this week,” Hammett proudly announced. “We keep chasing our past, so we thought, why not bring the past to life?”  He added:  “Thinking about doing this ceremony without Cliff would drive me into the sanitarium. We had to ride the lightning on this one so we could kill ‘em all on stage.”

In his first interview in decades Cliff Burton seemed ecstatic to join his former comrades. “My revival is a thing that should not be. But new technology had me hit the lights and I was greeted by James (Hetfield) and Lars (Ulrich) with a ‘Welcome Home’ sign as I began to breathe again.”  He further expressed elation about the upcoming Rock Hall induction.  “I am stoked to play the show! After all that’s the place where rock stars go to die, so why not bring the dead?” Metallica’s PR crew has warned Burton to refrain from his signature excessive head banging during the concert. “Much like the other members, I’m not quite all there, so they don’t want the creeping death.”

Media speculation over the inclusion of former guitarist,  Megadeth founder Dave Mustaine. Kirk squashed the rumours. “Playing with Dave would be a mega symphony of destruction.” He further added:  “Have you actually listened to Megadeth? I mean, we put out  some bad albums but come on.”

Metallica is rumoured to be playing ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ with Burton at the event April 4th in Cleveland.  “We can’t wait to unload this show–justice will be served in Cleveland. Without Cliff, and nothing else matters,” said Kirk of the show.   Burton further added: “This time, no tour buses.”

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