Archive for the ‘Aliens’ Category

Long lost She-Ra tentacle rape episode uncovered

Saturday, July 18th, 2009

An unknown insider at Mattel has leaked the rumored Shokushu Goukan (Japanese style tentacle rape) origin episode of She-Ra:  Princess of Plower.  The hour long special episode was intended to launch the series as an adult cartoon in 1985, but was cut and retooled as a children’s program due to aggressive censorship.  The long lost episode has appeared on several popular Internet torrent sites, including The Private Bay.

The storyline includes the conception of the princess, her subsequent kidnapping by Whordak, and childhood and young adulthood in another dimension.  Under the care of Shadow Queefer, the Princess is raised as a sex slave to the Evil Whored.  She services the trans-dimensional, trans-sexual beings in a variety of ways as she discovers her innate ability to take in more appendages than any that has come before her, thus becoming She-Ra:  Princess of Plower.

“We’re not happy this was discharged without our permission,” said Mattel C.E.O. Robert Hokusai.  “We had plans to release it alongside other quality adult programming later this year.”

While Mattel is currently undergoing an internal investigation and will likely press charges against the employee who leaked the episode, Hokusai says downloaders will not be prosecuted.  “We hope this generates interest in the DVD.  It’s going to have remastered footage, dozens of additional features, and include multiple angles not available on the leaked copy,” he said. “And on a personal note, I’m relieved and the public can finally see She-Ra as she was originally conceived…doggie style.”

Scientist’s warning: Earth greens, is invaded

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

Dr. Philip Neigh, professor of astrophysics at Fake University has a dire warning for the citizens of Earth:  “If you green it, they will come.”  Neigh announced at a press conference today that recent advances in so-called “green” technology may renew aliens’ interest in our planet.  “They’ve been looking elsewhere,” said Neigh, “but if we keep cleaning things up, they may come back.” He further extrapolated that although the aliens’ intentions are unknown to us, they’re most likely dubious.  “I mean, they probably don’t look like us, and that means they’re bad news bears,” he said.

Neigh proposes a range of actions to mitigate the possibility of invasion.  “There are many things we can do to prevent a calamity,” he said.  “The easiest is to throw our trash onto the street instead of into trash cans.”  He further suggested driving an S.U.V. to the end of the driveway to get the paper, running faucets 24-hours a day, and making the switch to electric scissors.

(Above:  an artist’s rendition of Dr. Neigh’s “invaders from beyond the moon”)

While many critics have pointed out Neigh’s dubious credentials and the non-existence of “Fake University,” his ideas are gaining popularity.  “They call me mad, but I’m a man of science,” said Neigh, “And what’s more, I’ve got the respect and support of the American people.”  Stampworthy has uncovered records that prove the late author Michael Crichton has been funding Neigh’s research since the 1980s.  Neigh is currently gathering signature for a petition to Congress calling for the execution of all recyclers and members of Earth First.

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