Archive for the ‘Conspiracies’ Category

Footprints Killer stumps CSI: NY team

Monday, October 19th, 2009

“No comment.”

That’s all New York Crime Scene Investigation team leader Mac Taylor said about the so-called Footprints Killer, whose latest victim washed up on the shore of a Long Island beach early Monday morning.

While Taylor and his crew refused to comment on the open investigation, Stampworthy located an eyewitnesses to the most recent crime scene.

“I was just walking my dog Jesu on the beach when I came up to a line of yellow tape,” said Mary Stevenson, a Long Island resident.  “I heard about the body that washed up on shore today and I put two and two together, you know?

“There was tape and police officers everywhere, but I could see Detective Taylor and some Spanish lady measuring footprints in the sand,” said Stevenson.  “I recognized them from that reality show about cops.”

The New York Police Department denied any connection between this and a similar case three days ago in which another body was found near a dual and single set of footprints.

“This bothered me,” said Stevenson.  “I saw two sets of prints in the sand.  And further down the beach, there were all these rough patches and only one set of prints.  I bet he carried the victim into the water like in those other cases.”

“There’s got to be something supernatural about this one,” added Stevenson.  “Every other time those guys solve crimes in less than an hour.”

Big Man v. Big Government

Monday, August 17th, 2009

Lawyers gave their opening arguments in the much publicized case of Arbuckle v. United States early Monday morning.

R.C. Arbuckle, 38, has charged the government with accessory to weight gain in the first degree.  This is the first time the charge has been raised in a U.S. court.

“We all know the camera adds ten pounds,” Sue Grauman, Esq., attorney for Arbuckle, told the packed courtroom.  “My client has been under constant surveillance and gained weight in ten pound intervals throughout the interim,” she said.  “It’s time the U.S. owns up to its role in Mr. Arbuckel’s weight gain.”

The defense argued Mr. Arbuckle is a known Happy Meal and Hot Pocket enthusiast and is responsible for his own increase in mass.  “These allegations are ridiculous,” said Virginia Volstead, J.D., attorney for the State.  “The government would no sooner influence Mr. Arbuckle’s eating habits as we would his drinking habits, or his big brother’s,” she said.

The trial will resume tomorrow morning with the calling of plantiff’s first witness, Orson Welles.

Long lost She-Ra tentacle rape episode uncovered

Saturday, July 18th, 2009

An unknown insider at Mattel has leaked the rumored Shokushu Goukan (Japanese style tentacle rape) origin episode of She-Ra:  Princess of Plower.  The hour long special episode was intended to launch the series as an adult cartoon in 1985, but was cut and retooled as a children’s program due to aggressive censorship.  The long lost episode has appeared on several popular Internet torrent sites, including The Private Bay.

The storyline includes the conception of the princess, her subsequent kidnapping by Whordak, and childhood and young adulthood in another dimension.  Under the care of Shadow Queefer, the Princess is raised as a sex slave to the Evil Whored.  She services the trans-dimensional, trans-sexual beings in a variety of ways as she discovers her innate ability to take in more appendages than any that has come before her, thus becoming She-Ra:  Princess of Plower.

“We’re not happy this was discharged without our permission,” said Mattel C.E.O. Robert Hokusai.  “We had plans to release it alongside other quality adult programming later this year.”

While Mattel is currently undergoing an internal investigation and will likely press charges against the employee who leaked the episode, Hokusai says downloaders will not be prosecuted.  “We hope this generates interest in the DVD.  It’s going to have remastered footage, dozens of additional features, and include multiple angles not available on the leaked copy,” he said. “And on a personal note, I’m relieved and the public can finally see She-Ra as she was originally conceived…doggie style.”

You Heard It Here Second: Rock band uncovers gnomes’ secret plot to drown Earth in molten pigment

Monday, May 25th, 2009

Massachusetts’ doom trio Black Pyramid have uncovered startling footage of a secret, subterranean terrorist plot.  The evidence is posted below.  Homeland Security should fund their next album.

Werewolf sues NY over light pollution

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

An American werewolf in New York is taking the city to court over the effects of light pollution.  “It’s affecting my health and preventing me from leading a normal life,” said Hare E. Bach, the plaintiff who filed the suite.  Bach claims the luminescent glow of lights and buildings obscures moon light, which is vital to his well being.  “Things have gotten pretty hairy lately,” he said.  “I’ve been so depressed I haven’t taken myself for a walk in two months.”

Back claims he’s contacted the city on several occasions about the problem, but that no action has been taken.  “This law suite is frivolous,” said Singapore Hellsing, a representative of the city.  “We’ve heard hide nor hair of Bach until now and besides that, the green night sky is one of the defining characteristics of our skyline,” he said.  “There’s no single silver bullet that will solve this problem to everyone’s satisfaction.”

A judge will hear the case on the next full moon.

Three Days After Execution, Homeless Man Rises

Sunday, April 12th, 2009

A homeless man publicly executed on Friday has risen from the grave.  A group of shocked onlookers ran in terror as he proceeded to consume the flesh of the living.

“He seemed agitated and disoriented,” said one onlooker.  “First he ranted about a bunny laying eggs and his twelve drinking buddies, and then he became aggressive and started biting people.”

Stampworthy sent three reporters to get the scoop, all of whom mysteriously vanished.  One of their taperecorders has been recorvered, containing the word “braaaiiinnnsss” repeated for fifteen minutes.

George Carlin’s biographer unearths comic’s double life as musician

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Nine months after the death of George Carlin, biographer Al Sleet has unveiled a startling discovery:  when not performing his act, Carlin drummed for the ’70s progressive rock band Gentle Giant.  “I was looking through his financial records when I came across some paychecks from Vertigo and Columbia Records,” said Sleet.  “It turns out that from 1972 to 1980 he drummed under the name John ‘Pugwash’ Weathers.”  During this stint he recorded such classic albums as Octopus, In a Glass House, and The Power and the Glory.

“As his comedy act took off, Carlin has less and less time for the band,” said Sleet, who discovered several lost journals of reflections about the band.  “His writing on the subject is in British English, so it took some time to decipher the texts, but he clearly talks about the conflicts between his two careers.”  This eventually lead to the band’s downfall.  Carlin’s preoccupation with the Federal Communications Commission v. Pacifica Foundation case and its relation to his “Seven Dirty Words” skit lead to a watered down Gentle Giant album in 1978.  Fans and critics largely concur Giant for a Day foreshadowed the demise of the band.

“In the end, George Carlin was a magnificent entertainer who happened to be a hell of good drummer,” said Sleet.  “I never would have guessed the comic so well know for his plain black garb would wear such silly costumes though.”

(Above:  George Carlin behind the skins on Gentle Giant’s “Proclamation”)

Obama unveils No Zombie Left Behind Act

Friday, March 27th, 2009

(Above:  an integrated zombie/human math class learns the ins and outs of integrals)

In a surprise move this week, President Barrack Obama announced the “No Zombie Left Behind Act,” a series of sweeping education reforms pertaining to the living impaired.  “It’s time we recognize the rights of these disadvantaged students,” said Obama. “Education in the U.S. isn’t just from the cradle to the grave.  Just because a person isn’t living doesn’t mean they aren’t learning.”

The NZLBA rewards schools with high testing undead pupils with Title T funds.  “This money is an umbrella for these students, protecting them from the horrors of the sun and tax levie funding,” said Obama.  “Let me make this clear.  This money isn not a handout; these students have got to get brains.”  He further added:  “braaaains.”

Update: Death Magnet! Deceased Bass Player to Rejoin Metallica for Rock Hall Show

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

Metallica plans to update their classic Cliff Burton era albums

Metallica has been one to always top themselves (i.e. St. Anger). Earlier this week guitarist Kirk Hammett announced that Jason Newstead will join the band when they perform during their Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame
induction ceremony. In a Stampworthy exclusive interview, Hammett announced the return of their deceased bass player Cliff Burton.

“Cliff Burton was resurrected from the dead earlier this week,” Hammett proudly announced. “We keep chasing our past, so we thought, why not bring the past to life?”  He added:  “Thinking about doing this ceremony without Cliff would drive me into the sanitarium. We had to ride the lightning on this one so we could kill ‘em all on stage.”

In his first interview in decades Cliff Burton seemed ecstatic to join his former comrades. “My revival is a thing that should not be. But new technology had me hit the lights and I was greeted by James (Hetfield) and Lars (Ulrich) with a ‘Welcome Home’ sign as I began to breathe again.”  He further expressed elation about the upcoming Rock Hall induction.  “I am stoked to play the show! After all that’s the place where rock stars go to die, so why not bring the dead?” Metallica’s PR crew has warned Burton to refrain from his signature excessive head banging during the concert. “Much like the other members, I’m not quite all there, so they don’t want the creeping death.”

Media speculation over the inclusion of former guitarist,  Megadeth founder Dave Mustaine. Kirk squashed the rumours. “Playing with Dave would be a mega symphony of destruction.” He further added:  “Have you actually listened to Megadeth? I mean, we put out  some bad albums but come on.”

Metallica is rumoured to be playing ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ with Burton at the event April 4th in Cleveland.  “We can’t wait to unload this show–justice will be served in Cleveland. Without Cliff, and nothing else matters,” said Kirk of the show.   Burton further added: “This time, no tour buses.”

Scientist’s warning: Earth greens, is invaded

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

Dr. Philip Neigh, professor of astrophysics at Fake University has a dire warning for the citizens of Earth:  “If you green it, they will come.”  Neigh announced at a press conference today that recent advances in so-called “green” technology may renew aliens’ interest in our planet.  “They’ve been looking elsewhere,” said Neigh, “but if we keep cleaning things up, they may come back.” He further extrapolated that although the aliens’ intentions are unknown to us, they’re most likely dubious.  “I mean, they probably don’t look like us, and that means they’re bad news bears,” he said.

Neigh proposes a range of actions to mitigate the possibility of invasion.  “There are many things we can do to prevent a calamity,” he said.  “The easiest is to throw our trash onto the street instead of into trash cans.”  He further suggested driving an S.U.V. to the end of the driveway to get the paper, running faucets 24-hours a day, and making the switch to electric scissors.

(Above:  an artist’s rendition of Dr. Neigh’s “invaders from beyond the moon”)

While many critics have pointed out Neigh’s dubious credentials and the non-existence of “Fake University,” his ideas are gaining popularity.  “They call me mad, but I’m a man of science,” said Neigh, “And what’s more, I’ve got the respect and support of the American people.”  Stampworthy has uncovered records that prove the late author Michael Crichton has been funding Neigh’s research since the 1980s.  Neigh is currently gathering signature for a petition to Congress calling for the execution of all recyclers and members of Earth First.

  • Categories

  • Recent Posts

  • -->