Editorial – I’m Thankful You’ve Shut Your Goddam Trap

Dictated by Jim the Refiner to Zombie

This is a special time for all Americans.  A time to stop and reflect, a time, amidst all the turbulence and strife, to appreciate how good we actually have it.  And I, for one, am thankful that you’ve finally clammed the fuck up.

It’s a fucking holiday, okay?  So I’ve had a few drinks.  When else am I supposed to have a few drinks?  Before work?  Is that what you want, you petulant cunt?  I’ll tell you what I’m thankful for, I’m thankful that you’ve stopped pointing out that I’ve had a few drinks.  Because all that does is harsh the nice buzz I’ve worked so hard to get.  And guess what I have to do to fix it?  That’s right, have a few more drinks.

Goddam, I’m thankful you’re turning away, so I don’t have to look at your whiny face again.

You know what else I’m thankful for?  This fucking undercooked turkey, which I’m sure will give me dysentery.  Because I will get sick and die a painful fucking death.  And then I won’t have to deal with you and your bullshit all the time.

Do I believe in god?  Is there a reason I would believe in god today?  Is this day any different than any other day?  No.  So don’t waste everyone’s time trying to say grace, “for a change”.  Goddamit, Martha.

Oh right, I’m supposed to be giving thanks.  Thanks for reminding me, you greasy twat.  Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much.  I’m so thankful I lived through the goddam shit, lying in muck, bullets flying over my head, watching my best friend Tom get his fucking head blown into a smoky, blood-spewing crater right beside me, mosquitos the size of beagles sucking the blood out of my dick, just so you can complain that I didn’t try your goddam canned green beans hard enough!

Thank YOU!!!


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