Gay rally snafu proves eye-opening for Wichita couple

November 13th, 2009 by Dorothy Dix
In a scheduling mix-up that is being described by some as divine irony, Wichita couple Thomas and Thelma Bagger, who had traveled to our nation’s capitol for Saturday’s Tea Party rally, instead found themselves in the center of the National Equality March for gay and lesbian rights which took place a day later.

The confusion was apparently caused when Mrs. Bagger received an e-mail from her sister that contained the incorrect date for the Tea Party rally. Unfortunately Thelma, who only turns on her computer once a week for fear of allowing in the Devil, missed the follow-up e-mail which corrected the mistake.

The Baggers joined the protest at the intersection of 15th and K Street and were immediately impressed by both the turnout and the spirited, and colorful, marchers. The couple was thrilled when young men sprinkled them with what they called “fairy dust,” and they delighted in the many religiously themed signs in the crowd, but their initial approval soon turned to confusion. Though they could find nothing technically wrong with slogans such as “Jesus had Two Daddies,” the blatantly false “God Loves Fags” left them scratching their heads.

The full horror of their situation, however, did not become apparent until Rosie O’Donnell introduced herself to Thelma, and Thomas realized that she wanted to have “unnatural relations” with his wife: “I could tell she wasn’t gonna take no for an answer, so I told Thelma it was ok. God don’t call it a sin if you go gay in self-defense.”

When asked how he failed to notice what was going on around him until the march was well under way, Mr. Bagger admitted that he had noticed some “mighty odd things,” but he believed his ignorance was the result of a deeply held faith in human decency: “I thought I was surrounded by straight, God-fearing, Obama hating capitalists, so I said to myself ‘who am I to judge?’”

Teen smoking rate “greatly diminished after 20″

October 21st, 2009 by Rick

A new study conducted by The Institute of Truly-Great Science reveals the rate of teen smoking drops off dramatically after age 20.

“This study is a watershed in the fight against teen smoking,” said  TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers.  “It’s likely this data will lead to major revisions in anti-smoking literature.”

The data, which includes surveys from 420 middle schools, high schools, and post secondary schools, flies in the face of conventional wisdom–namely the belief that teen smoking continues into adulthood.

“When we looked at the numbers, we were stunned,” said Myers.  “It turns out that after teen smokers turn 20, their participation in teen smoking goes from 22 percent to 0; it basically stops.”

According to Myers, that means the U.S. Department of Education is wasting 100s of millions of dollars in anti-smoking pamphlets at post secondary institutions across the nation.  “The data says it all–once they’re in their 20s, these kids are no longer teen smokers,” he said.

Myers thinks the study has wider implications as well.

“Extrapolating on that, it seems that teen smoking isn’t habit forming,” he said.  “That means we’re wasting even more money educating kids about an activity that’s essentially limited to seven years of their lives.”

Footprints Killer stumps CSI: NY team

October 19th, 2009 by Rick

“No comment.”

That’s all New York Crime Scene Investigation team leader Mac Taylor said about the so-called Footprints Killer, whose latest victim washed up on the shore of a Long Island beach early Monday morning.

While Taylor and his crew refused to comment on the open investigation, Stampworthy located an eyewitnesses to the most recent crime scene.

“I was just walking my dog Jesu on the beach when I came up to a line of yellow tape,” said Mary Stevenson, a Long Island resident.  “I heard about the body that washed up on shore today and I put two and two together, you know?

“There was tape and police officers everywhere, but I could see Detective Taylor and some Spanish lady measuring footprints in the sand,” said Stevenson.  “I recognized them from that reality show about cops.”

The New York Police Department denied any connection between this and a similar case three days ago in which another body was found near a dual and single set of footprints.

“This bothered me,” said Stevenson.  “I saw two sets of prints in the sand.  And further down the beach, there were all these rough patches and only one set of prints.  I bet he carried the victim into the water like in those other cases.”

“There’s got to be something supernatural about this one,” added Stevenson.  “Every other time those guys solve crimes in less than an hour.”

Smokers go native, lawmakers on warpath

October 8th, 2009 by Rick

When President Barack Obama signed the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act in June 2009, many thought the final nail had been hammered into the coffin of public smoking.   No one suspected a group of crafty smokers would find a loop hole in the law, go native, and inadvertently revive the nearly extinct Native American practice of pipe making.

At the center of this story is 23DPED, a controversial provision in the bill stating “no person shall use tobacco products within three feet of any person, including themselves.”  After a group of tobacco enthusiasts calling themselves Smokescreen was arrested in a park last June for smoking within three feet of themselves, they got to thinking.

“We got to thinking,” says Billy Blacklunge, a founding member of Smokescreen.  “After about four meetings and five failed public protests, we decided to actually read the bill–that’s when we came across 23DPED.”

Smokescreen members and others believe the bill allows smokers to use devices that place the burning tobacco at least three feet away from the user and others.  The group contacted the North American Native Indigenous Peoples Indian American Artisans or (NANIPIAA) and asks if they knew anyone who could design pipes for their members.

“We figured, hey these guys used to smoke long pipes, so maybe they know how to make them,” says Blacklunge.  The NANIPIAA put them in contact with Giorgio Long-Stem, the last of the Lakota pipe makers.

“Our pipes, they’re very long,” says Long-Stem, who’s been crafting pipes for over 40 years.  Due to the diminished role of smoking in Lakota ceremonies, public castigation, and legal restriction, Long-Stem has had a rough time finding an outlet for his skills.

“When Smokescreen got in touch with me, I was just literally about to hang myself,” says Long-Stem.  “I figured my craft was dead and that I was as a grieving widow, a shadow left with no place in this new world.”  But Smokescreen’s orders reinvigorated his business and gave him a reason to live.

“They breathed new life into me,” says Long-Stem.  “Now that my people’s pipes are catching on, I’ve taken on three apprentices and still can’t keep up with orders.”

Long-Stem’s designs have spread all over North America and lead to numerous knockoffs and several high end designer models.  In order to keep his own pipes distinct and instantly recognizable, he applied for a trademark and now engraves each model with the words “Freedom Pipe.”

Chanunpa, the word my people use for this pipe, is too narrow a convention for this,” says Long-Stem.  “We smokers are in this together now.  We are the new tribe and the Freedom Pipe is the symbol of our solidarity.”

The government is none too happy and is set to fight back against smokers.  Today President Obama issued a statement condemning Smokescreen and Long-Stem’s efforts and has threatened legal action.

“I have extreme reservations about these groups and their attempts to undermine the rule of the land,” he says.  “I understand these new laws are vague, and Lord knows, everything I sign my name on doesn’t get into particulars, but the practices of these groups are a mockery of the law and in clear violation of it.”

The State has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Smokescreen and Long-Stem and seeks to impound their assets.

But their lawyer has a different opinion.

“23DPED–it’s all there in black and white just waiting to be read,” says Sandra Shystern, who took on the case this afternoon.  “The governments’s lawsuit against Smokescreen is nothing but a smokescreen.  Their anti-smoker and anti-NANIPIAA agenda has been clear for quite some time.”

Government satellite to spy on government satellites

August 30th, 2009 by Rick

The U.S. government has announced a new multi-billion dollar satellite spying program to spy on government satellites.

“Our government is a known terrorist organization with numerous ties to terrorist states,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.  “They use satellites to commit numerous acts of terrorism, and it’s our belief that unless we monitor these activities, we’re at risk of an imminent terrorist attack.”

Shortly after Napolitano announced the program, the American Civil Liberties Union announced a lawsuit against the U.S. government, alleging the new program infringes on the U.S. government’s right to privacy.

“The government has no right to invade the government’s business,” said Ima Angree, the ACLU lawyer behind the suite.  “This program is a prime example of the government’s systematic attempt to strip the government of its civil liberties.”

But Napolitano thinks differently.

“These are tough times and tough times call for tough measures,” she said.  “If you don’t agree with that, then tough noogies.”

But Angree thinks differently.

“If the government has the right to invade the privacy of the government, what use has power?” said Angree.  “We are prepared to protect the government from the government at all costs.”

The satellite program is scheduled to begin early next month, despite the pending lawsuit.

Big Man v. Big Government

August 17th, 2009 by Rick

Lawyers gave their opening arguments in the much publicized case of Arbuckle v. United States early Monday morning.

R.C. Arbuckle, 38, has charged the government with accessory to weight gain in the first degree.  This is the first time the charge has been raised in a U.S. court.

“We all know the camera adds ten pounds,” Sue Grauman, Esq., attorney for Arbuckle, told the packed courtroom.  “My client has been under constant surveillance and gained weight in ten pound intervals throughout the interim,” she said.  “It’s time the U.S. owns up to its role in Mr. Arbuckel’s weight gain.”

The defense argued Mr. Arbuckle is a known Happy Meal and Hot Pocket enthusiast and is responsible for his own increase in mass.  “These allegations are ridiculous,” said Virginia Volstead, J.D., attorney for the State.  “The government would no sooner influence Mr. Arbuckle’s eating habits as we would his drinking habits, or his big brother’s,” she said.

The trial will resume tomorrow morning with the calling of plantiff’s first witness, Orson Welles.

City council says ‘c’ you later

August 11th, 2009 by Rick

The city of Hartford, Connecticut has announced the removal of the letter “c” from the alphabet.  The City Council voted unanimously on Thursday night to eliminate the letter as a cost-saving measure.  The new policy is already being implemented in government documents and public signage, all of which are void of the once ubiquitous character.

“Yes, we’re having a budget ‘risis,” said councilwoman ‘athy ‘rane.  “We need to pi’k low hanging fruit in order to ‘ontinue operations.”

“The ‘ity ‘ouncil doesn’t have enough money to just give out letters willy-nilly” added treasurer ‘ristopher ‘opland.

“The board has already adjusted the spelling and pronun’iation of our names in ‘on’ordan’e with this initiative,” said ‘rane.  “I ‘an only hope the people of Hartford, ‘onne’ti’ut follow our example.  We’re in this ‘risis together.”

“‘hanges in ‘lassroom ‘urri’ulum will begin at the ‘lose of the week,” said ‘rane.  “Re-edu’ation is needed to ensure these ‘hanges are applied to all aspe’ts of so’iety.”

When questioned about the possibility of replacing ‘c’s with ‘k’s and ‘s’s, ‘opland was incredulous.

“Do you know how much spa’e a “k” takes up?!” said ‘opland.  “That ‘ould only make the problem worse–’an’t you see that?  ‘ome on people!”

Bob Marley, original gangster

August 3rd, 2009 by Rick

The father of modern reggae music, Robert Nesta “Bob” Marley, is still pushing musical boundaries and inciting controversy 28 years after his death.  In a break with his promotion of Rastafarian beliefs, a newly released single entitled “You Know You’re a Nigga” reveals his support of underground gangster rap years before its inception.

“This is some crazy shit,” said Jesse Weaver of Jive Records, the label responsible for the song’s release.

Weaver and a crew of PR agents held a press conference earlier today to discuss the song.  In attendance was Rita Marley, the sole owner of her husband’s work and long-time holdout to the song’s release.

“I’m not going to lie–I listen to this song every day,” said Marley.  “I finally decided it was time the public see my husband in a new light.”

“We’re proud to be putting out this track,” said Weaver.  “It makes me look at his entire catalog with a gangsta lean,” said Weaver.

Marley went on to describe her husband as a “complex, multi-faceted man” who at one point “really did shoot a sheriff.”

“It wasn’t just peace and hugs,” she said.  “It was also his piece and thugs.”

In only one day of sales, “You Know You’re a Nigga” has topped sales charts and received nearly continuous air play.

“We’re confident this will cement Bob’s legacy as an early gangster rap crossover artist,” said Weaver.

The new single has generated controversy as well, due largely to its repeated use of the N-word.  Several major retailers have pulled the album from their shelves due to complaints and petitions from angry parents and church groups.

Weaver was incredulous when questioned about the push-back.

“How many times must a brother in America have his album pulled?  I mean, this is so hot, so hot,” he said.

“So hot, so hot,” added Marley.

Indy 4 gets a facelift, Star Wars skull

July 30th, 2009 by Rick

Film director George Lucas announced the re-release of his 2008 blockbuster Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at a press conference at his mansion in Marin County Thursday morning.  He asserted the special edition replaces original theatrical run and is the “final cut” and “crystallization of his artistic vision.”

“Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are great guys–they’re just too shortsighted,” said Lucas.  “For all their insistence on continuity with the original films, they were afraid to address the bigger picture, namely how Indiana Jones fits into the cosmology of the Star Wars universe.”

The most controversial change is the digital replacement of the films titular crystal skulls with heads that bear a striking resemblance to Jar Jar Binks, first featured in Stars Wars- Episode I:  The Phantom Menace.  “I know he’s not the most popular character I’ve ever created–hell, I don’t even like him–but he plays an important role in the initial age of mankind’s exploration of space.  He’s much more than a special addition,” said Lucas.

The director refused to answer any questions about the film’s plot, but Stampworthy sources close to Lucas revealed once Dr. Jones finds Jar Jar’s Skull, it begins talking and leads Jones on a quest to get it as far away from Earth as possible, thus beginning his interstellar smuggling career.

Despite the aging director’s increasing dementia, Lucas was refreshingly lucid at the end of the press conference.  “After I’ve finish cutting up the body of my work, perhaps I can finally bury its rotting corpse,” he said.

Long lost She-Ra tentacle rape episode uncovered

July 18th, 2009 by Rick

An unknown insider at Mattel has leaked the rumored Shokushu Goukan (Japanese style tentacle rape) origin episode of She-Ra:  Princess of Plower.  The hour long special episode was intended to launch the series as an adult cartoon in 1985, but was cut and retooled as a children’s program due to aggressive censorship.  The long lost episode has appeared on several popular Internet torrent sites, including The Private Bay.

The storyline includes the conception of the princess, her subsequent kidnapping by Whordak, and childhood and young adulthood in another dimension.  Under the care of Shadow Queefer, the Princess is raised as a sex slave to the Evil Whored.  She services the trans-dimensional, trans-sexual beings in a variety of ways as she discovers her innate ability to take in more appendages than any that has come before her, thus becoming She-Ra:  Princess of Plower.

“We’re not happy this was discharged without our permission,” said Mattel C.E.O. Robert Hokusai.  “We had plans to release it alongside other quality adult programming later this year.”

While Mattel is currently undergoing an internal investigation and will likely press charges against the employee who leaked the episode, Hokusai says downloaders will not be prosecuted.  “We hope this generates interest in the DVD.  It’s going to have remastered footage, dozens of additional features, and include multiple angles not available on the leaked copy,” he said. “And on a personal note, I’m relieved and the public can finally see She-Ra as she was originally conceived…doggie style.”