The Institute of Truly-Great Science [TITS] has released a new study revealing one person in thirty finds large, hairy arachnids “creepy.” The study tested participants response to being led into a 10′x10′ room full of Goliath bird-eating tarantulae and then locked in for a period of 48 hours, after which they participated in a short survey. “It’s as if we’re still living in the Dark Ages,” said TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers, who further harangued the packed press conference against the sad, bigoted state of society.
“Well, to be honest, they have too many legs and just plain look like they’re up to no good,” said an anonymous member of the Third Klux Panthers, a secretive, anti-arachnid group. “These spiders are taking our jobs, raping our women, and don’t respect the American flag” he said. Although its numbers have not been verified, the group claims to include roughly one-thirtieth the population of the U.S. Their official slogan is “Better Dead than Web.”
“As as scientist, I’m supposed to be impartial, but I have to editorialize,” said Dr. Meyers. “These people are fucking sickos.”
“We need to modernize the series in a realistic manner,” said Bill Gainer, President of Re-Activision, after announcing the release of the fifth title in the “Call of Duty” video game franchise. “Call of Duty 5: Full-Time Occupation” includes missions that simulate patrol of liberated Iraq, marking the second time the series has ventured from its World War II time frame. “We decided that if we’re going to portray modern warfare, we need to base it on real life,” said Gainer.
The storyline picks up shortly after the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner was unfurled and continues until the present day. Over the course of the game, the character controls three different characters including an American in charge of a small brigade, an Iraqi child sent by the U.S. military to infiltrate a would-be insurgency group, and an elderly peasant woman escaping fire from both sides. In addition to shell shock, “Call of Duty 5″ includes fast screen clipping to simulate methamphetamine withdrawal.
“We have faith that we can continue this series for quite some time,” said Gainer. “There’s no end in site to the series’ longevity–expect another hundred years of games.”
Steve Nieves, a 29 year old house painter, is so incapable at the basic tenets of life that he cannot fulfill the life of his character in the popular game Sims 3.
Even though the developers of The Sims series program each character with artificial intelligence that guides them towards self-satisfaction, Steve thwarts his avatar’s every attempt at meaningful existence.
“Well, so my guy, I named him Bart Fart, he wants to be a writer, so the computer wants to make him write,” Nieves muttered in between mouthfulls of chips and beer, “but I’m here playing this game all day, it just doesn’t feel right to make him do more than troll on the internet or play video games.”
Nieves was able to assist his character in one way, however, by giving him the “slob” personality trait.
“Since he’s a slob, he doesn’t get bothered by a messy room, so that makes it easier. Gives him more time to relax.”
So far after 19 hours of gameplay, only interrupted for a brief masturbation session while watching an illegally downloaded copy of Swordfish, Steve has not managed to obtain any meaningful career or relationship goals for Mr. Fart.
“He’s written about half of a story, and when he finishes it he can sell it for money, but I just keep thinking it’s not fair. What if he isn’t inspired? That could really hurt his feelings. And it totally sucks they don’t have house painting as a career goal. House painting is good money, and nobody complains if you show up drunk. Shit, did I have work today?”
“We’re pretty sure they couldn’t get it up,” said Dr. Rodger Malmstein, resident paleontologist of The Dinosaur Museum in Blanding, Utah. Dr. Malmstein’s research shows brachiosauruses lacked sufficient blood flow to maintain an erection without resultant loss of blood flow to the brain. “This solves the mystery about why so many brachiosauruses skeletons are involved in coitus,” said Dr. Malmstein. “Many times when the male prepared to preform the deed, he passed out and crushed his partner.”
Dr. Malmstein’s has been researching the sex lives of dinosaurs for 16 years, ever since he read Michael Crichton’s seminal novel “Jurassic Park.” “That book changed everything,” says Dr. Malmstein. “The story and the characters were so compelling, but the thing that really got to me was the sexual tension between Ellie and the Tyrannosaurus–that transformed my career.”
Dr. Malmstein plans to release this and other findings in a new book later this year entitled “Dino-sores: sex, STDs, and Prehistoric Animals.”
Massachusetts’ doom trio Black Pyramid have uncovered startling footage of a secret, subterranean terrorist plot. The evidence is posted below. Homeland Security should fund their next album.
“I don’t know if I can make it much longer,” said Bartholomew Gustafson, a longtime South Park fan. The 13 season animated show has been dormant for two weeks follow its mid-season break.
“I haven’t laughed for fourteen days and have had nothing to talk about at the water cooler at work,” said Gustafson. The 28 year old virgin accountant, says the show meant the world to him, and likened its absence to multiple deaths in the family. “I’m so depressed. I see Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny’s faces everywhere I go, I just…I just…miss them so much,” said Gustafson between bouts of crying.
Gustafson faces four years in prison for disturbing a private graveyard, a charge he claims is related to the cartoon. “I buried my South Park dolls in the old Indian burial ground–I thought it’d work, like on the show,” he said. Gustafson was incredulous when presented with a copy of the book “Pet Cemetery” by Stephen King. “No way, this King guy ripped them off!” He now faces 20 years in prison for beating a Stampworthy reporter to death with the novel.
Fragrance designer Calvin Klein unveiled a new line of perfumes at his headquarters in New York entitled “Whiskey for Women.” “It’s a perfume for the confident, aggressive women,’” said Klein. The perfume, which is ninety percent Johnny Walker Red Label, makes the wearer smell of fermented grain.
“Unlike my other lines, this one has a practical component,” said Klein, alluding to the country’s economic woes and poor fragrance sales last quarter. “If at the end of the night you’re alone and feeling down, you can imbibe the rest to feel better about yourself.”
“Whiskey for Women” has been available in Russia for years, but this is the first time it’s been marketed and sold in the U.S. “The Ruskies loved it and I’m confident Americans are ready for it,” said Klein. “Better red than dead–bottoms up!”
The Institute of Truly-Great Science [TITS] has published a paper affirming the long-held theory that a child’s hopscotch ability indicates their likelihood of achievement later in life. TITS scientist Dr. Rusty Meyers told Stampworthy “this will revolutionize our approach to education.”
The century long study on which the paper is based is comprised of data gathered at elementary schools across the U.S. “It’s taken us a long time to assemble this information, but the results are crystal clear,” said Dr. Meyers. “The better you are at hopscotch at age 6, the more successful you’ll be by age 60.” Dr. Meyers could only theorize as to the ‘why’ of the connection. “I’m not sure as the to primary link,” he said. “But it probably has something to do with drive, determination, and an intense fear of humiliation and hazing from insensitive hop-heads.”
Among the tentative conclusions reached in the TITS study is a controversial call for a mandatory hopscotch exam for admission to elementary school. “We know it’s not going to be popular,” said Dr. Meyers. “But you have to ask yourself–is it really worth a teacher taking extra class time to help a kid color between the lines when they can’t even hop between them?”
32 years–that’s how long we’ve had to prepare for the swine flu, according to ex-Pink Floyd bassist Rodger Waters. “When we put out Animals in 1977, I insisted on the flying pig avatar for concerts. That pig was the warning,” he intimated in a press conference earlier today. “People really seemed to enjoy the music and the pig, so I assumed the message was clear.”
Waters claims the lyrics to songs on Animals reinforce the imagery of the avian swine. “Look at the lyrics to ‘Pigs on the Wing 1′: If you didn’t care what happened to me/And I didn’t care for you/We would zigzag our way through the boredom and pain/occasionally glancing up through the rain/wondering which of the buggers to blame/and watching for pigs on the wing.” He went on to hum the guitar solo. “Have you got it, yet? Don’t you see the meaning?” asked Waters. “It rains in April, farmers bugger farm animals, and pigs on a wing are flying pigs–that means they flu!” Waters went on to play his entire catalog of songs for the press conference over the course of several hours before taking more questions.
“I’m an artist and as such I’m ahead of the curve. I know these things are going to happen,” said Waters. “I tried to warn everyone, but apparently most people just don’t understand symbolism.”
“Well, to be honest, they have too many legs and just plain look like they’re up to no good,” said an anonymous member of the Third Klux Panthers, a secretive, anti-arachnid group. “These spiders are taking our jobs, raping our women, and don’t respect the American flag” he said. Although its numbers have not been verified, the group claims to include roughly one-thirtieth the population of the U.S. Their official slogan is “Better Dead than Web.”
The storyline picks up shortly after the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner was unfurled and continues until the present day. Over the course of the game, the character controls three different characters including an American in charge of a small brigade, an Iraqi child sent by the U.S. military to infiltrate a would-be insurgency group, and an elderly peasant woman escaping fire from both sides. In addition to shell shock, “Call of Duty 5″ includes fast screen clipping to simulate methamphetamine withdrawal.
“We’re pretty sure they couldn’t get it up,” said Dr. Rodger Malmstein, resident paleontologist of The Dinosaur Museum in Blanding, Utah. Dr. Malmstein’s research shows brachiosauruses lacked sufficient blood flow to maintain an erection without resultant loss of blood flow to the brain. “This solves the mystery about why so many brachiosauruses skeletons are involved in coitus,” said Dr. Malmstein. “Many times when the male prepared to preform the deed, he passed out and crushed his partner.”
“I don’t know if I can make it much longer,” said Bartholomew Gustafson, a longtime South Park fan. The 13 season animated show has been dormant for two weeks follow its mid-season break.
Waters claims the lyrics to songs on Animals reinforce the imagery of the avian swine. “Look at the lyrics to ‘Pigs on the Wing 1′: If you didn’t care what happened to me/And I didn’t care for you/We would zigzag our way through the boredom and pain/occasionally glancing up through the rain/wondering which of the buggers to blame/and watching for pigs on the wing.” He went on to hum the guitar solo. “Have you got it, yet? Don’t you see the meaning?” asked Waters. “It rains in April, farmers bugger farm animals, and pigs on a wing are flying pigs–that means they flu!” Waters went on to play his entire catalog of songs for the press conference over the course of several hours before taking more questions.